Odin Redbeard - Vulgar the Viking and the Battle of Burp

Vulgar sat near the back of the class, drumming his dirty fingernails on the school desk. His teacher was droning on about an old battle. A battle should have been an exciting subject for a lesson, but the teacher wasnt called Dagmar the Dull for nothing.

It took the Viking forces a great many hours to row their longboats to Angle Land, said Dagmar. During this time they encountered all manner of dangers and perils.

Like sea serpents? Vulgar asked hopefully.

Like hand splinters, Dagmar said. And possibly even some light rain.

Vulgars shoulders slumped. Oh.

He looked over to his best friend Knuts desk. Knuts wonky horned helmet was down over his eyes and he was snoring gently.

What about the battle itself ? asked Vulgar. Can we skip to that bit?

Hour after hour they rowed, droned Dagmar, ignoring him. With only the waves for company.

And two hundred other Vikings, pointed out Princess Freya. She was sitting at the front of the class, her long blonde hair tied in perfect pigtails. Luckily for her, Vulgar couldnt quite reach them from his seat.

Dagmar ignored her, too. When they finally reached the village of Burp they were exhausted and slightly damp, but they were ready to fight. They had a tall task ahead of them. A very tall task, indeed. For they needed to capture the famous Burp Tower, in order to pillage its stores of gold!

Now were talking, said Vulgar. He jabbed a pinkie finger in his ear and wiggled out a lump of wax. He wanted to hear every word of this. Even Knut had opened his eyes and was listening intently. I bet we destroyed them, Vulgar said. How long did it take?

About half an hour, I bet, guessed Knut.

Less, said Vulgar. We conquered them and got the gold in about ten minutes. Right?

Dagmar shook his head. Wrong. The Viking invaders were driven back by the people of Burp.

Vulgars jaw dropped. He flicked out another clump of wax, in case hed misheard. Driven back?

Defeated. Vanquished. Sent packing, Dagmar said.

Vulgar and Knut exchanged disbelieving glances. But but how?

Its actually very interesting, said Dagmar, and Vulgar immediately knew it wouldnt be. They employed a technique we refer to as the Boars Snout.

What? They were riding on pigs? said Knut.

The Boars Snout is a battle formation, explained Dagmar. Soldiers form into an arrowhead shape. This pushes through the opposing army, scattering them. The people of Burp drove back the invading Vikings, and stopped them from stealing any gold.

So what? muttered Vulgar, who was still coming to terms with the fact that the Vikings had lost. We got beaten by a big triangle?

Still, a triangle with a cool name, said Knut. Boars snout. He snorted like a pig. Vulgar laughed, then snorted noisily back in reply.

Freya turned and glared at them. Cut it out. Thats disgusting.

I thought youd like it, being a pig yourself, Vulgar replied. He snorted again, even louder this time.

Yes, I am a PIG, Freya said, folding her arms. A Pretty Intelligent Girl.

Yeah, well said Vulgar, but he couldnt think of a reply, so he just gave a final piggy snort instead.

The teacher carried on talking about the Battle of Burp, but Vulgar had lost interest. He sat back in his chair and gazed out of the window instead.

The people of Blubber were going about their usual business. They tended their vegetables. They trimmed their grass. They crocheted and knitted. None of it was proper Viking stuff.

If theyd won the Battle of Burp things might have been different. If theyd won back then, maybe school wouldnt have been invented. Id be out pillaging and plundering now, not sitting in a boring old classroom, thought Vulgar.

A blast of a horn snapped him out of his daydream. The fanfare continued for a few seconds, then collapsed into a fit of coughing and wheezing. An old man hobbled into the class, struggling to get his breath back. It was Harrumf, the steward of the Great Hall.

Nearly blew me bleedin lungs out, Harrumf muttered, before he realised the whole class was looking at him. Show yer appreciation for His Royalness Harrumf began, before another coughing fit made him stop.

King Olaf waddled into the class munching on a barbecued elk rib. Gravy dripped down his chin and into his plaited beard.

Greetings, children, he said, spraying little lumps of elk meat over the front row.

Good morning, King Olaf, the class chorused, ducking to avoid the worst of the spray.

As Dagmar has no doubt told you, this week sees the one hundredth anniversary of the Battle of Burp.

Actually, said Dagmar, raising a crooked finger, historians are unable to reach an agreement on the exact date of

Blah, blah, blah, said King Olaf, waving a dismissive hand. To celebrate, Im taking you all on a trip to Angle Land, where we will be re-enacting the battle itself.

Hooray! cheered the class.

I cant go. I get seasick, said Dagmar.

You werent invited, said the King.

Hooray! cheered the class, even louder this time.

Vulgar raised a hand. Angle Land is across the sea. How will we get there?

Please say longboat, please say longboat, please say longboat, he thought.

By longboat, said King Olaf, and Vulgar jumped off his seat in excitement. He and Knut began dancing around the classroom.

Were going on a longboat! Knut shouted.

To invade Angle Land! added Vulgar.

King Olaf raised his hands. Whoa there! Nobody said anything about invading.

Vulgar and Knut stopped dancing.

Were going to celebrate one hundred years of friendship between Blubber and Burp, the King explained. This is a trip to promote peace and harmony.

Vulgar thought about this. But were still going by longboat?

Yes, said King Olaf. Were still going by longboat.

Vulgar shrugged and started dancing again. He was going to sail the seas on a real longboat, just like a proper Viking. This was going to be brilliant!