Michael Hammond - Decisive Parenting: Strategies That Work with Teenagers

Decisive Parenting

Decisive Parenting

Strategies That Work
with Teenagers

Michael Hammond, PhD

Jason Aronson

Lanham Boulder New York Toronto Plymouth, UK

This book is intended to present the ideas of the author and others. If the reader requires professional intervention, he or she should consult a competent professional. The author and publisher disclaim liability for any adverse effects resulting directly or indirectly from information contained in this book.

Published by Jason Aronson

An imprint of Rowman & Littlefield Publishers, Inc.

A wholly owned subsidiary of The Rowman & Littlefield Publishing Group, Inc.

4501 Forbes Boulevard, Suite 200, Lanham, Maryland 20706

http://www.rowmanlittlefield.com

Estover Road, Plymouth PL6 7PY, United Kingdom

Copyright 2010 by Jason Aronson

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without written permission from the publisher, except by a reviewer who may quote passages in a review.

British Library Cataloguing in Publication Information Available

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Hammond, Michael.

Decisive parenting : strategies that work with teenagers / Michael Hammond.

p. cm.

Includes bibliographical references and index.

ISBN 978-0-7657-0763-5 (cloth : alk. paper) ISBN 978-0-7657-0765-9

(electronic)

1. Parenting. 2. Parent and teenagerVocational guidance. I. Title.

HQ755.8.H3335 2010

649'.125dc22 2009047328

` The paper used in this publication meets the minimum requirements of American

National Standard for Information SciencesPermanence of Paper for Printed Library
Materials, ANSI/NISO Z39.48-1992.

Printed in the United States of America

For Kaitlynto the moon and back

Decisive Parenting reflects the ideas of a number of people who work as parent training researchers and parent educators and of many parents. All have contributed enormously to this book with their ideas, creativity, dedication, and energy. In particular, I acknowledge the work of Gregory Bodenhamer, George Howard, Dr. J. Douglas Meyer, Dr. Patricia Chamberlain, Dr. David Rimm, Dr. John Masters, Dr. Gerald Patterson, Dr. Alan Kazdin, and Dr. Scott Sells. I would like to thank those who read and commented on earlier drafts of the book, including Dr. Blair Irvine, Dr. Henry Raymond, Dr. Dennis Wong, Dr. Patricia Murphy, Dr. Bill Martin, and Dr. Kevin McMahan. Special thanks are extended to Dr. Lawrence J. Ryan. Any errors that remain are mine.

Lastly, I wish to express my love, appreciation, and thanks to my wife, Trish, and our daughter, Kaitlyn, and to the memory of my parents.

Decisive Parenting is for any parent of a teenager, with special reference for parents with kids who are difficult to parent. It is for parents who want specific, concrete skills and answers about how to handle many challenging situations and circumstances with teenagers.

The book is written with a four-fold purpose:

to help you improve your relationship with your teenager

to give you the tools to stop misbehavior

to show you how to encourage positive behavior

to help you guide teenagers to become responsible and trustworthy adults

In my parenting classes, there are parents who say, I dont have any major behavior problems, which you say youll cover, but I do have some minor things, like having my kids do chores and homework. Id really like some help with that. Other parents say, Dr. Hammond, I have all the big problemsarguing, running away from home, drugsall of it. I desperately need help because I cant find any parenting classes or books that help with all the stuff shes into! And then there are the parents who tell me, I came to your workshop because I want to know how to prevent problems later on, before they start. Were doing okay right now. What can I do to keep it that way?

Decisive Parenting is full of tools and skills for every level of difficulty with teenagers, from minor irritations to major disconnection between child and parent. Regardless if your teenager is heaven sent or hell bent, this book can help you. Keep in mind, however, that not every skill is for every parent. Youll need to choose according to your situation. You can do this several ways:

Read the book cover to cover, using all of the skills that apply to your situation.

Read the part you like and apply those skills; disregard what you do not like.

Use the book like a toolbox; take it out when you need an answer to a problem.

Part I covers behavioral tools that help families function well. You will learn how to construct rules and consequences that are consistently effective. Part I also covers communication, encouragement, and active problem solving. By using these skills collectively, you will be able to guide and direct your teenager through the adolescent years with great success.

Part II presents time-tested solutions to a variety of problems, some simple and minor (but no less irritating and disruptive to family functioning) and some serious enough to threaten your teenagers safety and the parent-child relationship. Choose what you think is relevant to you and what you find useful.

The most important thing is to know that you can change how things are going in your home and with your teenager. Believe that you can, put your trust in the skills you are about to learn, and apply them with ever-increasing confidence. Do this and you will see the results you want. I have taught thousands of parents to use these skills and tools effectively. They can be just as successful for you.

**Please note that there are several worksheets referred to within the text that can be downloaded from the companion website for this book,
decisiveparenting.com. These items are as follows:

Discipline Plan Worksheet

Rules Tracking Guide

Problem Behavior Checklist

Problem-Solving Worksheet

Daily Class Assignment Report

School Behavior Checklist

Community Behavior Checklist

Rules are basic to family life. Rules establish the firm foundation for a discipline plan. Establish firm and fair rules, and discipline will follow naturally from them.

Rules are best when they are based on your familys valuesthe standards you believe are important to follow. Such rules provide a moral compass that helps your teenager find his way.

When rules for teenagers are unclear, unnecessary, unfair, or unenforceable, anger and chaos quickly develop. The absence of clear expectations causes friction between you because your teenager doesnt know what you expect of him. So rules need to be constructed deliberately and carefully. Before we begin to construct rules, lets see what a rule is or is not.

Definition of a Rule

A rule is different from a hope . I wish that you would do all of your homework before going out says you would prefer that he do the homework.

A demand is more like a rule: You will do all of your homework before going out. However, a demand, such as this, is personal and sets up a power struggle with your teenager.

An expectation is not demanding enough. I expect that youll do all of your homework before going out provides no consequences other than failure to meet the expectation.