Sarah Chana Radcliffe - The Fear Fix: Solutions For Every Childs Moments Of Worry, Panic and Fear

Look, Ma! No hands! shouts little Jimmy as he rides his bike down the driveway toward the main road. STOP! STOP! screeches Mom, chasing after the bike and finally managing to grab the handlebars just as the vehicle is sliding past the edge of the driveway. What is wrong with you, James William Henry? Have you no fear at all? she reproaches her son. You couldve got yourself killed! At least Mom had the good sense to feel fear!

A fearless child is not a good thing. In fact, its a very dangerous thing. Feelings of anxiety are there to protect us, to help us be vigilant enough to protect ourselves. The sixteen-year-old high school girl who feels secure and comfortable walking alone through an unlit park at midnight is a risk to herself. She needs to be a lot more worried.

But how worried is worried enough? We want our kids to have just the right amount of fear, not a drop more or less. We often want them to be afraid of whatever were afraid of: robbers (Keep the front door locked, for goodness sake!), fires (Would you please remember to turn off the burner when you take the pot off the stove?), financial loss (If you spend it all now, what will you do when your summer job ends and youve still got your car insurance to pay for?), sickness (Yes, you do need to wear your coat) and safety (Dont even think about skateboarding without your helmet, young man!). If they dont share our fear of these things, we consider them to be reckless and naive and in bad need of a serious injection of fear chemistry. Only we dont want them to get hurt in the process of learning their lesson. We worry about them.

Child: Im not going. I want to stay home.

Parent: But Jory has been to our house so many times already. He wants you to come play at his house this afternoon. His mommy will be there and Im sure theyll have some nice cookies at snack time. Youll have a good time!

Child: Im not going.

Parent: Ill take you in the house and stay with you for a little while until you feel comfortable. How will that be?

Child: No. Im not going!

Parent: But I already told Jorys mom that youll be there.

You dont want them to be disappointed, do you?

Child: I DONT WANT TO GO! I DONT WANT TO GO! IM NOT GOING! WAAAAHHHH! YOU CANT MAKE ME GO! IM STAYING HOME. WAAAAHHHH!

A truly frightened child is no fun to deal with. Intense fear triggers the release of adrenaline and other hormonesthe fight-or-flight emergency chemistry of the brain. This homegrown pharmacy generates enough power to turn weaklings into strongmenthink of stories of women who lift up cars to save their trapped child underneath. Emergency chemistry is meant to be life-saving, helping us to flee from burning buildings or to fight tigers, should we need to. There is no need to waste precious moments thinking what to do; adrenaline propels us to action, unleashing the brains powerful survival instincts. Run, thrash, scream, lash out, talk fast, make no sense, just go for itthis is adrenaline and terrified children are filled with it. Was that a temper tantrum you just saw in the playdate scenario above? Not at all. That was the emergency response system arriving to save the childs life: NO, HE WONT BE GOING, YOU BETTER BELIEVE IT!

All children, teens and adults experience fear and its cousin, worry. There is, after all, reason for fear at every age and stage of life. Firsttime experiences, traumatic events, unstable world forces, devastating natural disasters and so many more perfectly alarming events confront us all. Instant digital access to every local and nonlocal crisis only seems to have increased the fear that even children are experiencing these days on a regular basis. In addition, everyone has their own unique demons. Rational or otherwise, we and our kids fear rejection, failure, humiliation, loss and other invisible forms of torture. Yes, some of us are more fearful than others, and some have enough fear to be formally diagnosed with an anxiety disorder (something that we will explore further in this chapter). Like adults, all children experience the entire gamut of fearful feelings: panic, irrational fear, worry, terror, overwhelm, doubt, confusion, insecurity and every other flavor of fear. To be human is to be scared. Because this is so, parents need to know how to help their kids through fear, whether those kids are tiny toddlers, rambunctious grade schoolers, tough-looking teens or even young adults. The Fear Fix will give you skills that you can use in your home. Whether your child is just a worry wort, is suffering from an anxiety disorder or is experiencing temporary mild, or even intense, anxious feelings, you will be able to offer a variety of calming techniques to help restore her emotional balance.

What is the difference between a child who feels anxious and a child who has anxiety? As we have already seen, every child and teen experiences anxious feelings along with the whole range of other emotions that all people experience. Moreover, very young children experience more fear than other people, and while most grow out of those fears by the time they are school age, those who have an anxious nature may remain more fearful throughout life. However, when a childs fear is so intense or so frequent that it affects his ability to function well (or happily) at home or school, the child might have more than an anxious nature; he might have an anxiety disorder.

Since it can be important to identify the existence of an anxiety disorder, lets get a better idea of the difference between the fear that every child feels and the fear that a child with an anxiety disorder feels. To do this, well look at two nine-year-olds: Carly and Karen. Carly is afraid of spiders. She doesnt like to go into the basement of her house because she knows that spiders lurk there. If she sees a spider indoors or outdoors, she shrieks and runs in the other direction. Karen is also afraid of spiders. She is so afraid of them that she obsesses about them all day long, worrying that she might see one. She walks the long way to her classroom daily in order to avoid the more convenient route where she once saw a spiderweb. She refuses to play outside in the summer because she might see a spider in the grass. Shell never go back to a friends house once shes seen a spider or spiderweb on the friends property. If she does actually spot a spider, Karen has a complete meltdown, screaming, crying and hyperventilating. Karens lifeher choice of activities and her habitsis severely impacted by her fear of spiders. Upon professional assessment, Karen may be deemed to have a phobia, whereas her friend Carly would be described as having a fear. A phobia is a type of anxiety disorder; a fear is a frightened feeling. Although a fear can be quite intense, if it does not have a serious negative impact on a childs life, habits or emotional well-being, it will not be classified as a disorder.