Jon Scieszka - Knights of the Kitchen Table

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Table of Contents

GIANTS AND DRARONS AND WIZARDS... 0H MY!

Your Majesty! Your Majesty! Bleob the Giant stands at the very castle door. He demands three fair damsels to eat instantly.

King Arthur looked worried. The fair damsels in the crowd looked worse than that.

Another messenger dashed into the hall, nearly running over the first. Smaug the Dragon has been seen flying from the West. He will be at the castle walls in minutes.

Aha, said Merlin with that evil-teacher voice and smile again. Here is a perfect test for our enchanters.

Go ahead and hit him with your stick, Fred, said Sam. At least well be safe from giants and dragons down in the dungeon.

Fred lifted his stick.

No, no. We cant do that, I said.

What do you suggest we do, Mr. Magnificent? said Sam.

I looked at Merlin, then at Queen Guenevere.

I think we should go find out if dragons and giants are for real.

THE TIME WARP TRIO

#1: Knights of the Kitchen Table
#2:The Not-So-jolly Roger
#3:The Good, the Bad, and the Goofy
#4: Your Mother Was a Neanderthal
#5: 2095
#6: Tut, Tut
#7: Summer Reading Is Killing Me!
#8: Its All Greek to Me
#9: See You Later, Gladiator
#10: Sam Samurai
#11: Hey Kid, Want to Buy a Bridge?
#12: Viking It and Liking It
#13: Me Oh Maya
#14: Da Wild, Da Crazy, Da Vinci

Special thanks to the Brooklyn Public Library

For Casey

ONE

Halt, vile knaves. Prepare to die.

Is he talking to us? asked Fred.

I looked around the small clearing. A dirt path went from one end to the other. Fred, Sam, and I stood at one end. A large guy on a black horse stood at the other. He was dressed from head to toe in black armor like you see in those books about knights and castles.

I dont see any other vile knaves around, I said.

Sam cleaned his glasses on his T-shirt and took another look at the end of the path. Yes, there is a Black Knight down there.

The sun glinted off a very real, and very sharp-looking sword hanging from the Black Knights side.

And, yes, he looks like hes planning to hurt us, added Sam.

Hey, its not my fault, I said. I told Fred not to open it.

You did not, said Fred.

Did, too.

Did not.

Did, too.

Excuse me, guys, said Sam. Can we discuss this later? I think that large angry man in the black can is getting ready to kill us now.

The Black Knight lowered his lance and set his shield in front of him.

Um ... Hello there, Mr. Knight, sir, I called across the clearing. My name is Joe. My friends and I seem to have lost our way from my birthday party. If you could just take us to the nearest phone

None shall pass, boomed the Black Knight.

If you could just point the way toward New York well be on our way and

None shall pass!

I think I heard that somewhere before, said Sam.

Thy tongue and garb art passing strange. Methinks thy band hails not from this shore.

What did he say? asked Fred.

He said we look funny, and were probably not from around here, I said. And right you are, Sir Knight, I called across the clearing (I threw in that Sir part because they always talk like that in knight books). We are not from around here. And we would just as soon get out of here. So if you would just point that long sharp stick of yours

Silence, infidels, or mayhap enchanters, in thy weird robes and boots.

We looked at each other. We were all wearing jeans, T-shirts, and sneakers.

We looked at the Black Knight. He had on pointed metal shoes, armored pants, an armored coat with hinges at the elbows and shoulders, and a huge metal helmet that looked like a black bell, all topped off with a fluffy black feather. His horse was likewise done up in a black skirt, a black saddle big as an armchair, and a matching helmet thing with a fluffy black feather.

Weird robes and boots? said Sam. Look whos talkingthe Tin Man with feathers. He even dresses his horse funny.

Enough of thy evil spells and chants, magicians. Prepare to die.

I think I liked None shall pass better than that Prepare to die stuff, said Sam.

The Black Knight flipped down the visor on his helmet.

Do something, said Fred.

Like what? I said.

Like ... like ... like, say some magic words!

The Black Knight spurred his horse into a trot.

Please? Thank you?

Not those magic words, you idiot. Real magic words. Like the ones your Uncle Joe uses.

Abracadabra?

The horse picked up speed.

Hocus-pocus! I shouted. Eenie, meenie, mynie, mo!

The Black Knight thundered toward us, his lance pointed directly at us.

We were about to be killed more than a thousand years before we were even born.

TWO

But before the Black Knight arrives, maybe I should explain how three regular guys happened to find themselves facing death by shish-kebab.

It all started with my birthday party. My two best friends, Fred and Sam, were over at my house. We were just sitting around the kitchen table doing birthday kinds of things. You knoweating junk, drinking soda, looking at the baseball my sister gave me.

My mom started scooping up wrapping paper to throw away. Thats when Sam found the other present.

Hey, Joe, heres one you missed. Sam held up a small rectangular present. It was wrapped in black and gold paper.

Whos it from?

My mom read the card and made a sour face. Your uncle Joe.

Yahoo!

Uncle Joe was the best uncle anybody could have. He was a magician for a traveling circus. And his presents were always the best. Uncle Joes stage name was Joe the Magnificent. I was named after him. Before he went off the deep end, my mother always added.

The card says Happy Birthday, Magician-in-training. Be careful what you wish for. You might get it.

This is weird paper, said Sam, wiggling the present back and forth in the light.

Ill bet its one of those disappearing coin trick boxes, said Fred.

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