Jon Scieszka - The Good, the Bad, and the Goofy

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Table of Contents

WILL THIS BE THE TIME WARP TRIOS LAST STAND?

The thundering herd was fifty yards away.

Cattle stampede. Heres what we need:

Time freeze when Sam waves his sock, I said.

Twenty-five yards and still running.

Wave your sock, I yelled.

Sam threw off his shoe, whipped off his red sock, and started waving it as hard as he could.

The cattle charged closer.

Sam waved his sock.

The cattle kept charging.

Sam waved. The cattle charged.

We closed our eyes and prepared to be run over by a real Texas longhorn stampede....

THE TIME WARPTRIO

#1: Knights of the Kitchen Table
#2: The Not-So-jolly Roger
#3: The Good, the Bad, and the Goofy
#4: Your Mother Was a Neanderthal
#5: 2095
#6: Tut, Tut
#7: Summer Reading Is Killing Me!
#8: Its All Greek to Me
#9: See You Later, Gladiator
#10: Sam Samurai
#11: Hey Kid, Want to Buy a Bridge?
#12: Viking It and Liking It
#13: Me Oh Maya
#14: Da Wild, Da Crazy, Da Vinci

To my good, bad, and goofy brothers
Jim, Tom, Gregg,
Brian, and Jeff

ONE

High noon.

A hot, dry wind blows across the prairie.

Where the heck are we? asks Cooky.

Cheyenne country, says Cowboy Bob.

An arrow whizzes out of nowhere and sticks in the side of the chuck wagon. Cowboy Bob calmly pulls it out and looks at it.

Yep. Cheyenne. Ill bet Sitting Bull and his braves are looking to rustle our cattle off the old Chillum Trail.

Cowboy Bob squints up at the ridge. Two hundred Indians on horseback stand ready to attack.

A flash of lightning. A clap of thunder.

Two thousand longhorn cattle start to moo and mill around behind Cowboy Bob.

Cooky blinks nervously. What are we going to do, Bob?

Cowboy Bob tugs on his white ten-gallon hat. Circle up the wagons and get lunch started, Cooky. He eases his two six-shooters out of his holster. Ill stop these Indians. Then Ill hold off the stampede. By the time the cavalry comes to save the day, Ill be ready for grub.

Will the cavalry make it in time, Bob? Cooky freezes. The background music swells. The scene fades to black.

AND WELL BE RIGHT BACK WITH OUR
SATURDAY NIGHT AT THE MOVIES FEATURE,
COWBOY BOB TO THE RESCUE,
AFTER THESE IMPORTANT MESSAGES.

Fred grabbed the remote and turned the sound down. Yes! Cowboy Bob is going to stop Sitting Bull and his Cheyennes from stampeding his cattle off the old Chillum Trail. Can you believe it?

No, said Sam, eating the last of the potato chips. Because theyve got it all wrong. Number one, Sitting Bull was not a Cheyenne. He was the leader of a Sioux tribe. Number two, the trail from San Antonio to Abilene was called the Chisholm Trail. And number three, Cowboy Bob is just a bad character actor reinforcing mindless stereotypes.

Fred shook two cans of soda, looking for a full one. Well, excuse me, Mr. Information. Thanks for spoiling the movie. Fred found a half-full can and emptied it. I wonder what it was really like back then instead of boring old now.

Thanks so much for inviting yourself over for the night and then calling my house boring, I said.

Fred gobbled a handful of popcorn.

I didnt mean your house is boring, Joe. Its great. But summer vacation is getting boring. Wouldnt it be great to be real cowboys for just a little while?

I thought about galloping across the prairie, firing off six-shooters, roping cattle, and sleeping under the stars. I pulled out a small blue book with stars and moons and twisting silver designs.

Well, I have been reading a little more of The Book. And I think I found a spell we could use to get us out of any trouble. Its called the Industrial Strength Time Freezer Spell and-

Sam jumped to his feet. Oh, no you dont. If you two guys are going to go get stuck full of arrows and stampeded by cattle, you can leave me out of it.

Fred grabbed another handful of popcorn. Oh, come on, you chicken. Weve handled giants, dragons, wizards, and pirates. What could be so bad about being cowboys?

I held The Book in my lap.

Sam adjusted his glasses like he always does when he gets excited. Dont touch that book, Joe. Every time you do we get in trouble. Just because your uncle is a magician doesnt mean we have to be.

You think I dont know magic? I said. Let me show you the Power Broomstick Trick. Ill hold this broomstick and bet that both you and Joe together cant push me from this spot.

No way. Im not trying any tricks or saying anything until you put that book away.

But what if we could wish for something safe like being cowboys for just twenty-four hours, said Fred.

No. That wouldnt work, I said, leaning on the broomstick. What you have to do is

Wait! Stop! Shut up! said Sam. Dont say another word. I know exactly whats going to happen. One of you two wizards is going to say something stupid like:

Yippee Ki Yi Yippee, Yippee Ki Yi Yo.
Take us back to cowboys long, long ago.

Then that stupid green time-traveling mist will start to swirl around and well be in big trouble again.

That would probably work, I said.

Sam adjusted his glasses and stared at me. What did you say?

A faint wisp of green mist began to curl out of The Book.

I think that rhymed spell would probably work.

Oh, no, said Sam.

The green mist swirled thicker and deeper.

Oh, yes, I said.

The mist rose over our shoes, the couch, the TV.

Yeee haw! said Fred.

TWO

High noon.

A hot, dry wind blew across the prairie.

Where the heck are we? asked Fred.

Nowhere, I said.

Fred, Sam, and I looked at each other. We looked around as the last of the green mist dissolved at our feet. No cowboys. No horses. No six-shooters. No cavalry. Nothing but scrubby cactus, bits of grass, and dirt as far as we could see.

What happened? What did I say? asked Sam.

Your Yippee Ki Yi Yo spell worked perfectly, I said.

But thats crazy. I just made it up, said Sam. How are we supposed to know how The Book works if it keeps changing how it works?

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