Eric Ruhalter - The Kid Dictionary: Hilarious Words to Describe the Indescribable Things Kids Do

Getting this book off the ground was no small chore, and I offer sincere thanks to everyone who helped me, encouraged me, and tolerated me throughout the process. To name a fewmy wife, Kara; my wonderful children; and my friends Erl Rome and Beth Chandler, Jon Mace, Jon and Heather Whelan, Margaret Noonan and Michael Tatlow, Scott Wythe, Beth Feldman, and Robert Battles. Also to Shana Drehs at Sourcebooks, for being willing to give my crazy idea a chance. For some bits of inspiration along the way, I acknowledge the Benjets, Kilgores, Kubins, Whelans, OSullivans, Hamiltons, Gardeners, Hubers, Carrions, Dannas, and Molinaros, as well as Bill Lewis, Margaret Whitener, Tim Weathington, Jill McAdam, Wendy Boyce, Kim Kinrade, James Viotto, and Barbara Dundas.

And, as ever, I acknowledge my mom and dad and brothers, who never ridiculed me for thinking differently. Or havent recently. At least not to my face.

Eric Ruhalter studied economics at Dickinson College, where he learned, first and foremost, that hes not especially interested in the theories and principles of economics. So rather than study, he began spending most of his time writing. Dont tell his father.

Ruhalter currently resides in New Jersey with his lovely wife, Kara, and their three kids who used to defy description. He works for AMC Television in New York City.

To pat down your toddler before she leaves a play date at someone elses house to make sure she isnt stealing any toys.

The explanation to ones child that a helium balloon lost outside is never coming back.

To harbor a deep hatred and disgust for a food you have never tried.

fig. 1

To purge your playroom of old toys when your kids arent around to protest.

Too full to eat more carrots, yet fully prepared to consume an ice-cream sundae.

The site on a childs body where you unnecessarily applied a bandage to appease him when he got hurt, even though no blood ever appeared.

Routine exercise of retrieving important items from the garbage (e.g., silverware, TV remote, car keys), which your toddler threw away for fun.

To cry out for a sudden, emphatic, and immediate need for a towel, which overcomes a child when soap gets in her eyes.

(Also referred to as DIAL 911.)

Routine recreational activity of children that leaves their playroom looking as if it were decimated by a hurricane.

A childs need to pee while driving in the car, ten minutes after leaving the highway rest stop, where he insisted that he didnt have to go.

To neglect to mention to your child that her visit to the doctor will yield not only a sticker and a lollipop but also a sharp needle jabbed into her arm.

A baby who has learned how to escape from his crib.

To strategically lose a board game against an unsportsmanlike child.

The incomprehensible, breathless stammering of a crying child trying to tell you what happened to her.

fig. 2

The tantrum that ensues when an unsportsmanlike child loses a board game (to a parent who failed to monopolooze).

Silence that falls over a group of parents at a play date when a cry is heard from the next room and they are all determining whether the crying child is theirs.

To refer to a child by his first and middle name in a stern voice, thus denoting that hes about to get in trouble.

To frantically search the house for a toddlers favorite stuffed animal to avoid a meltdown.

The comic force that causes a child to laugh herself to the floor at the mere mention of the word poop.

To debunk the foolish myths that your kids ignorant friends utter.

A child who, without any prompting, wants to eat well-balanced meals and avoid junk food, gets enough sleep and exercise, and realizes the value of his education.

To yell at your kids to keep their voices down.

To try to put on shoes with the laces still tied from the last time they were worn.

The painful realization that you are quickly and irreversibly turning into your parents.

A child who lets you buy large quantities of her favorite food and then suddenly decides that she doesnt like it anymore.