Abbey Strauss - Daughters Who Are Never Good Enough: A Look At Difficult Mother-Daughter Relationships

DAUGHTERS

WHO ARE NEVER

GOOD ENOUGH

A handbook for the difficultmother-daughter relationship

Abbey Strauss, M.S.W., M.D.

Dedicated

to the teachers in my life,

those in academics and those who werepatients,

who all taught me what it was like tolive

with difficult mothers.

Academics gave me theoutlines;

patients filled in between thelines.

***

Copyright 2013 AbbeyStrauss

Boca Raton, Florida and EastSandwich, Massachusetts

astrauss@katenagroup.org

SmashwordsEdition

Version 2.1

ISBN9781458195074

License Notes: This ebook islicensed for your personal use only. It cannot be resold or givenaway to other people. If you wish to share it with another person,please purchase an additional copy for each recipient.

Contents

Chapter 1 Introduction

Chapter 2 Understanding YourMother

Chapter 3 The Remark

Chapter 4 Hows That Again?

Chapter 5 Boundaries Too Little orToo Much

Chapter 6 Everyone Loves Her ButMe

Chapter 7 Itll Be AllRight

Chapter 8 The Story

Chapter 9 Guilt

Chapter 10 Personality Disorders,Mental Illnesses, and Parenting

Chapter 11 Disengagement

Chapter 1

Introduction

To start a project is tointentionally cause a startle unto yourself, to unseat the placidand irrationally accepted, and to begin an honest conversiontraining. Changes need to be of substance, deep and innovative, andto be more than that of a chameleon who is the same creature in adifferent colored skin. To change is not merely to cheat thecurrent presence of its unhealthy power, but to fill the emptinessin a life with a fresh commencement, of healthy skills andphilosophies, all sitting firmly on a fertile foundation, allworking to vitalize ones real self.

There is a saying that when you have astomach ache, the whole world is your stomach. When you have anache with your mother, it may seem as if the whole world iscomposed of the problems stemming from her.

We want to look at why the achingdeveloped and how to best understand it. We want it to become suchthat it no longer has to have control over your life. This may notbe the easiest project in your life, but it is critical to your owngrowth and peace of mind.

There are several important elementsthat must be accepted in advance: that mental illness may indeedexist in your family or yourself, that parts of any mental illnessmay have developed in response to the world in which you live, andthat change is definitely possible but it will take work and study.Its similar to training to be an athlete. You need a coach and youneed to (1) accept the pain of a candid self-examination and (2)practice in order to strengthen yourself.

Sometimes the flavor of mental illnessresides in people is more of a deep annoyance than a controllingand major mental illness. For example, suppose your mother causesyou to be angry, anxious or ill at ease. Its a real feeling, butit is not to the point where it qualifies as a formal mentalillness. Lets call it tilt towards mental health. Im not trulysick, but I am pushed to the edge and kept off-center because ofher. Many daughters with difficult mother-daughter relationshipsfeel this way. Professionals would call this an adjustmentreaction.

The corrective process needed tocleanse this comes from understanding, studying and hard practiceat changing things; it is not without some pain. Stay away fromoffers of painless fixes. Change need not be in one fell swoop; itis better to go slowly, to learn about the details of aninteraction, to chip away at it, and to piece by piece make thechanges.

One glitch with chronic problems isthat they can produce dysfunctional habits, such as using alcoholto reduce the anxiety of the problem. There may then be two layersof problems to address breaking away from the core problem, andthen also learning to find other, less damaging methods to dealwith anxiety. There is pain in each process.

These pains, however, in the properperspective, will nurture maturity and grow into an acceptance ofwhat is realistically possible as opposed to what is justemotionally wanted. The best solution is when the realisticblends with the wanted. Unfortunately that is not always possible.There are times when the core relationship with a mother cannot befixed, so the needed reality is limited to survival or escapeskills. We will talk about these options.

Sometimes, after a careful study ofthe situation, the tangible goal is to maintain a non-destructivestatus-quo; it is, so to speak, to fashion an emotional rain coatagainst the environment in which you must still live, to develop anescape plan if needed, and to steadfastly grasp that you genuinelydid try to change the psychologically unsafe conditions. Then youmust stop fighting the caustic products of these emotionallimitations in your world.

The goal is to become yourself inspite of your mother.

There must be no guilt within you ifyour survival requires that you step away from your parents; thisis easier to accept if within your heart and soul you know yourefforts to modify the situation was robust, mature and honest, andthat as a result of this work, you openly admit that there islittle more that you can do to better things. This process oftenbegins with anger and fear and pain. But it ultimately providesrelief that is both tragic and necessary.

Sometimes I have to closethe door;

what they dont know is that Ive neverlocked it.

The hindering domain in your life issadly the domain that ought to be your best friend, teacher, andaudience. That domain is your mother. Sometimes the problem is thata mother never encouraged her child to develop the real skillsneeded for life. You will need to go elsewhere for what your motherought to have given you. Emotionally you must get to the pointwhere:

I still love you, but I love my sanitymore.

Its difficult to accept that yourlife has become a product of someone elses pathological style ordemands.

But merely accepting this is notenough. The next step is to look for all the malicious roots thatremain in your world. Understanding is step one of change; step twois designing, practicing, and creating a less tainted concept andencumbered concept of the person that can be you. The roots put inyou can be taken out. They will, however, leave scares and traceswhat was once your world; these traces will not be in control anymore.

One boyfriend was a treesurgeon. Hed tell people that cutting down a tree was only halfthe job; the rest was removing the stump and the roots. I realizedthat my mother was a stump in my life. Thats why so many times Idhit an emotional landmine a hidden root popped up and thingsnever really got better. I called my therapist my stumpremover.

Women are expected by society to benurturing, sensitive, and even self-sacrificing. This is thensupposed to lead to becoming a good mother, even at great personalcost. The behavioral mentor for the daughter is usually her mother,but fathers and other males in the growing girls home can alsohave a major emotional bearing either good or bad -- on her. Itis important for a child to grow up with a solid sense ofself-respect.

To undermine a person's self-respect isa sin.

~ Antoine de Saint-Exupery

The father's influence on the mothercan be very important and needs to be considered as well. Thesupport he offers her, the demands he makes on her, and thevalidation he provides her, will all be reflected in her emotionalinteractions with her daughter. In fact, almost any problematicparent level situation will influence how the mother subsequentlytreats her daughter; therefore any valid interpretation of anymother-daughter problem requires that there be an understanding ofthe mothers total life. This understanding, however, is not thesame as an excuse. This entire picture is known as agestalt.