John C. Carr - Great Expectations: Becoming a Dad: The First Three Years

G.R.E.A.T
EXPECTATIONS

Becoming
a Dad
The First Three Years

John C. Carr, LCSW

This book and the information contained in this book are for general educational and informational uses only. Nothing contained in this book should be construed as or intended to be used for medical diagnosis or treatment.

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data Available

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Published by Sterling Publishing Co., Inc.
387 Park Avenue South, New York, NY 10016
2010 by John Carr
Distributed in Canada by Sterling Publishing
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Sterling ISBN 978-1-4027-5630-6

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Acknowledgments

Without the unconditional support and love of so many people I could not have seized the opportunity to write this book. First and foremost I want to thank my wife, Abby (the true writer in the family), for encouraging me to dream big, for working so friggen hard, for the many weekends of taking the kids so I could write, and for being the best wife I could ever ask for. To my son, Stephen Erickson, who is willing to have a catch with me and has taught me something precious about forgiveness; my daughter Lila Jane who knows how to make me laugh and encourages me to do nails; and to my daughter Mary Sylvia who delights me with her bright curiosity. To my mother, Sylvia Sinclair Berking, who sacrificed herself so many times so that I could fulfill my own dreams, and even dreamed of me on the soap box. Milo J. Berking read the proposal and said, I wouldnt change a thing. My father, Stephen Kerry Carr, who was willing to enter into the rooms and teach me something about second chances. And my first real teachers and models were my beloved sisters Kate, Syl, Deb, Suzy, and Liz, who taught me it was a good and strong thing to feel. My brothers Keb, Matt, and Dan traveled to the land of our father to discover brotherhood. All my brothers-and sisters-in-law, and nieces and nephews. A big shout out to Mrs. Tiegue and to Susanette Blenman, who gave her dedication, courage, firmness, and laughter.

Thanks also go out to my dad friendsHoppa, Dean, John B, Andy, Steve, Todd, Matt, Evan, James, Ray, David, Doug, Craig, and Joeand to the many dads Ive gotten to know through GVLL and PS-41, as well as the dads who have attended Downtown Dads. The men and women in my practice dare to examine the tough stuff and amaze me with their tenacity to grow and heal. And the men in my dads groups: LG, MP, PM, JT, CB, DM, BP, JP, MH.

Charlie was such a firm and tender model and was with me through it all. Thanks to my work group, Nina, Liz, and Ed, said, Of course! Thanks also to my writing group: Abigail, AnnaLee, and Dominick.

Acknowledgment is also made to the Blanton-Peale Institute, PPSC (Jenny, Amy, Ruth, Andrew); Soho Parenting (Lisa, Jean); and Everyday Parenting (Ruth, Hannah). The Third Street Music School Settlement, Don Waring, and Grace Church community in New York, Shing-Min, EGPS, the Mens Leadership Alliance (Keith, Tom, Jeffrey), and Anthony Dimeio at Bold Ministries also deserve thanks.

Thanks to my agent, Lauren Galit, for taking a huge chance on me. Thanks also to Michael Fragnito, Jennifer Williams, Melanie Gold, Rachel Maloney, Anwesha Basu, and the whole team at Sterling Publishing. My other editor, Christa, burned a lot of midnight oil weeding through drafts and always found a way to say something nice. Elizabeth Browning helped me get in touch with my truth; Dr. Scott Haltzman and Dr. Michael J. Diamond inspired me to write, along with Bob Stein, Kyle Pruett, Jason Gold, Tom Kearns, and Dana Glazer. And I could not forget our doula, Jen Kroll; ob-gyn Dr. Fong; midwife Sylvie Blaustein; and finally, my biggest fan, Debra.

There are so many more people I would like to acknowledge, so to all of you who said, Im so glad someone is writing about thisTHANK YOU!

Contents

It took twenty-seven hours for my first child to be born, and my wife showed me why the process is called labor. When I entered the recovery room soon after the birth, I held my baby, took a deep breath, and immediately felt like I had been promoted. I was shocked by this feeling but I guess it made sense since it was, in a classic sense, a rite of passage into a new realm of responsibility and it came with a deep hope that I could have a positive impact on this little life. And, of course, right alongside hope was dread and fear that I might screw this kid up orperhaps even more poignantly for me, since my son was born just two weeks after 9/11 and one mile away from the World Trade CenterI feared that I would not be able to protect him adequately. That was my introduction to the role of father as protector.

Becoming a dad changed me; it also changed my relationship with my wife, and my regard for my own parents. I can confidently say it will change you, too. You will become, in some respects, just like your dadits part of the rite of passage. Likewise, you will probably break rank and father quite differently from him as well.

You are fathering under different circumstances than your father didmuch more is expected of you. Your father probably became a dad when society had different expectations about the fathers role in pregnancy, delivery, and parenting. Its been more than thirty years since dads have been invited into the birthing process. That was a marked change in our culture, from a time when men waited passively outside the delivery room, boiled water, or waited at the office for news that their baby had arrived into the world, to one in which the majority of men are expected and want to play an active role in preparing for and being part of the birth. I encourage you to take that invitation into the delivery room seriously. You are thereor should be therefor good reason. These new expectations and demands can be confusing and frustrating (to say the least) but, given the proper guidance and support, incredibly rewarding, too. Thats where this book will help. My primary goal in writing this book is to help the new dad realize why it is so important that he become physically and emotionally involved, and to give him specific ways to do that. I believe this will make dads better able to manage the great expectations that modern-day fatherhood places on men.

I will cover the most important aspects of the first three years of fatherhood. The first part, Pregnancy and Delivery, guides you through the trimesters and helps you identify your roles up through delivery. The second part, Time to Adjust: Birth to 12 Months, helps you identify the key developmental milestones your child goes through during his first year and assists you in striking a balance between family, work, and that mountain of baby gear. The third part, Coming Up for Air: 12 to 24 Months, will focus on key developmental milestones of your childs second year as well as the importance of keeping your marriage and yourself healthy. The final part, Full Engagement: 24 to 36 Months, will look at your involvement through play, discipline, and dealing with feelings. All throughout, I include quotes from real dads, tips for navigating the sometimes choppy waters of fatherhood, and things to consider along the way.