Nick Hornby - State of the Union: A Marriage in Ten Parts

Funny GirlJuliet, NakedSlamA Long Way DownHow to Be GoodHigh FidelityAbout a BoyShakespeare Wrote for MoneyHousekeeping vs. the DirtThe Polysyllabic SpreeSongbookFever PitchSpeaking with the Angel

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PENGUIN BOOKS UK | USA | Canada | Ireland | Australia
India | New Zealand | South Africa Penguin Books is part of the Penguin Random House group of companies whose addresses can be found at global.penguinrandomhouse.com. First published in the United States of America by Riverhead Books 2019
First published in Great Britain by Penguin Books 2019 Copyright Lower East Ltd., 2019 The moral right of the author has been asserted This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents either are the product of the authors imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, businesses, companies, events or locales is entirely coincidental ISBN: 978-0-241-98780-3 This ebook is copyright material and must not be copied, reproduced, transferred, distributed, leased, licensed or publicly performed or used in any way except as specifically permitted in writing by the publishers, as allowed under the terms and conditions under which it was purchased or as strictly permitted by applicable copyright law. Any unauthorized distribution or use of this text may be a direct infringement of the authors and publishers rights and those responsible may be liable in law accordingly.

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When Louise arrives, Tom is already halfway through a pint, and hes doing The Guardians cryptic crossword.

Hey, says Louise. Oh, says Tom. Hi. I bought you a drink. Thanks. She picks it up and takes a sip.

Thank you for coming, she says. Oh, thats okay. Have you been here long? No, no, he says. This is my fourth. Louise looks alarmed. Right. Phew. Phew.

She chuckles mirthlessly. It is my second, though. Youre entitled to two, she says. But wont you want a pee break? I hope so. And Ill make it last as long as I can. Oh, hell. Oh, hell.

So then Ill announce right at the beginning that I can never poo in someone elses house. Louise shows willing by making another noise intended to express amusement. I think I could say just about anything today and youd laugh, Tom says. Within reason. Well. Lets not test that theory out.

Except what constitutes reason? Theres a talking point. Weve probably got enough talking points, without delving into the history of Western philosophy, Louise says. Youre right. Who was the reason philosopher? I want to say Kant. I want to, and I will. There. I said it. I said it.

Shall I check? He gets out his phone. Please dont. Weve only got a few minutes. Sure? Wont take a second. Im sure. But thank you.

Were the kids okay? Did Christina remember she was staying late today? All fine, Tom says. Dylan got another detention. Oh, hell. What for this time? He was doing an impression of someone Ive never heard of in Geography. Idiot. Shall we talk about I mean, literally never heard of, Tom says.

A YouTuber, a grimy Who knows? And Otis was feeling a little better when I left. Surprise, surprise. Are you trying to fill the time before we go? I suppose I am, a bit. Im nervous. Im sorry, Louise says. No. No.

Louise looks at him. Just no? Yes. Just no. If it wasnt for you, we wouldnt be here. A sad fact. You wouldnt take a tiny bit of the responsibility? No, Tom says.

Why? Because Because its a long and complicated road that has led us here. Dont you think? Well. It depends which way you look at it. Theres the long and complicated, and then theres as the crow flies. Talk me through the route your crow flies, Louise says. You slept with someone else, and here we are.

Louise takes another sip of her drink and then a deep breath. But theres a bit more to it than that, isnt there? she says. Which way do you go, then? Crow or no crow? Crow. Well. You stopped sleeping with me, I started sleeping with someone else. Thats Thats a very short version.

And quite crude, if you dont mind me saying so. See, my version is actually longer than yours, Louise says. Mine explains why were here. Yours is a partial version of the long mess that came before. Louise sighs and tries to gather her thoughts. Yes, she says.

I made a mistake. But Can I clear something up? How many mistakes was it in total? Well. One. One. Yes. Depending on how you define it.

Define it in the way that gives the highest number. Just so I know what were dealing with. The highest number would be in the hundreds. Jesus Christ, Tom says. Because of all the tiny, tiny decisions that led to the big mistake. No. No.

Im not interested in the tiny decisions. We have to leave in five minutes. So one. But when you said, Depending on how you define it You could define it as one affair, Louise says. Or you could define it as four mistakes. Im lost. Im lost.

How many times did you sleep with this guy? Four. Not three, then. No. One mistake, three repetitions of the original mistake. The first time being the original sin, sort of thing. And the other three as duplicates.

Four times. You cant write four times off as being accidental. Youd be hard pushed to write one off as accidental, to be honest. He laughs at his own joke. I mean, how would that work? he says. I told you.

I had an affair. Youre not consoled that it was only four times? Not forty? Well, not really. Once you get to four, it might as well be forty. I think if it had been forty, wed be having a different conversation. Yes. One with lots of forties in it.

Instead of fours. You know what I mean, Louise says. Forty would have meant it was going on for She trails off. Id like you to finish that sentence. How much time would it have taken you to get to forty? This is a ridiculous conversation. I only wanted an approximate rate.

So we can calculate frequency as well as number. Why? Comparison. There is no comparison. Its like comparing a twenty-five-yard dash with a marathon. And were the marathon? Of course, Louise says. Were married, with children.

Except we didnt know that was going to happen when we started having sex. We werent pacing ourselves. We didnt say, Best not go at it too hard or therell be nothing left in fifteen years. Look. These four times took place over a few weeks. Our first four times took place over a few days.

Tom looks pleased. But where does that get us? she says. How long is it going to take us to get to four times from here? Whats here, though? Here. Now. When were not having sex at all. Well.

If you want to stick with the running analogy Which Im not committed to At the moment, says Tom, were Usain Bolt with an injury. A groin strain, if you like. Were both Usain Bolt? Not just you? Our sexual relationship is Usain Bolt with a groin strain. Its stalled. But once it starts up again, well get to four in no time. Louise looks at her watch.