Daniel Ehrenhaft - 10 Things to Do Before I Die

A Very Active Inner Life

Spring break has just started. No classes for a Whole Week! Woo-hoo! Its one of those rare gorgeous afternoons in Manhattan When the sky is swimming-pool blue and the breeze is crisp. Theres no humidity at all.

Freedom! the day seems to shout. Rock and roll!

Well, the day might seem to shout that if I Were outside. Inside the Circle Eat Diner, the day doesnt seem to shout anything. It stinks of grease. The three of us are huddled over the remnants of a burger, fries, and pickle. We pretty much order the same meal every time: Circle Eat #5, the Burger/Fries Combo. I eat the fries. Mark eats the burger. Nikki eats the pickle. The Way Mark and Nikki are slouched across from me in the booth, they look more like a pair of models than a real-life couplerail thin, dark, unblemished poster children for the Wonders of the #5 diet.

Marks brown hair is a mess. His ratty T-shirt bears the logo GIVE THIS DAWG A BONE. His brown eyes are Wild. Theyre always Wild. This stems from a belief hes had since he Was a little kid that something bizarre and miraculous could occur at any momenta giant-squid attack, the Raptureand When it does, it Will require his personal involvement in some Way. So hes perpetually on guard.

I envy him for this. I always have. Hes never bored.

Nikki is hardly ever bored, either, but for less delusional reasons. Shes got a very active inner life. This I can relate to. Shes constantly turning everything over in her mindevery event and conversation, no matter how trivialand milking it for its hidden Wisdom. You can tell from the Way she listens, from the Way she looks you in the eye you can even tell from how she dresses: mostly in black. With Nikki, blackness doesnt have an agenda. She isnt trying to play the role of a misunderstood hipster or a sullen goth. She isnt trying to fit in With any crowd, either. (To be honest, the three of us dont really belong to any crowd. Not unless you include the other people Who hang out in the Circle Eat Diner all the time, like Old Meatloaf Lady and Guy With Crumbs in His Beard.) Nikki just doesnt put a Whole lot of thought into her Wardrobe. Shes got too much else going on inside. Once she told me that the only reason she dresses in black is so her clothes Will match her hair. I loved that.

Her eyes are What really tell the story, though. Theyre like onyx, calm to the point of being alien: the eyes of the extraterrestrials you see in UFO documentaries. They radiate that same mysterious, hypnotic We-come-in-peace vibe, even When shes joking around or scheming.

Funny: I probably think more than Nikki does about the Way she looks. Ha! Not that Id ever admit that to her. I definitely Wouldnt admit it to Mark. I have a hard enough time admitting it to myself.

Wet Willy

Marks fingers start to drum on our Formica tabletop. Hes grinning. I can tell hes about to make a Wisecrack. Sure enough, apropos of nothing, he says: Dude, all you ever do is talk. Lets figure out something for you to do for once.

I havent been talking. I havent said a Word in the last two minutes. Ive been busy shoving soggy fries into my mouth. I know What he means, though.

Like What? I ask, playing along.

How should I know, Burger? Something. Anything.

Mark has never called me by my first name. Not once. Not even When We first met back in the third grade, When our teacher, Ms. Bellevue, pulled me aside and introduced us. Ted Burger, this is Mark Singer. Mark is an only child, too. Did you know that? You have something in common! I didnt know What to say. Mark responded by licking his finger and sticking it my ear. The old Wet Willy. No, thats not appropriate! Ms. Bellevue shrieked. She then sentenced him to a long time-out in the hall, after Which Mark called me every permutation of Burger under the sunCrapburger, Snotburger, Buttburger .

The point being: even my own name can be used as a punch line. Most things can and always have been, especially in Marks capable hands.

How about if I start Working here as a fry cook? I suggest. Im serious. Actually, Im not, but Marks accusation has provided a convenient excuse to segue into some juicy Circle Eat gossip. I know theyre looking for a new one. You know that guy Leo? He got fired.

Leo got fired? Nikki gasps. The guy Who looks like you?

He doesnt really look that much like me, does he?

Nikki just smiles.

Well, Id say he rates about an eight on the Afro Q-Tip meter, Mark says. You rate about a nine-point-five.

Hey, I got the look, right? Why not flaunt it?

Mark grins. Amen, Burger. Amen.

Mark has told me a million times that I look like a Q-Tip With an extra-thick cotton swab at the top endvery skinny With Brillo pad hair. Personally, I believe Leo rates higher on the Afro Q-Tip meter than I do. Come to think of it, Mark himself rates the highest. But theres no point in arguing. Mark came up With the line first, so I cant throw it back at him. Besides, once youve been saddled With a disparaging product comparison, its tough to shake.

So When did Leo get fired? Nikki presses.

Last Week, Mark says. You didnt know?

I had no idea, she says. We Were here last Week. Almost every day.

Yeah, except Tuesday, he says. Thats When it happened. I heard it Was crazy. I heard he Was ranting about going on a killing spree.

Are you serious? Nikki glances toward the kitchen, her eyes Widening. She lowers her voice and leans across the table. But hes so nice.

Yeah, Well, you know What they say about nice. Mark makes air quotes With his greasy fingers.

What do they say about nice? I ask.

Pets are nice, he and Nikki chant in unison, as if reading from the same Hong Phat fortune cookie. People are dogs.

I laugh. I see. Did you guys hear that at an animal-rights rally?

My dad said it, Mark says. Hes looking for a thing.

A thing?

Thats What he said. He gobbles down some more of the burger.

We Were hanging out With Marks dad the other night, Nikki explains. Hes been acting sort of sad lately. So I asked him What Was Wrong. He said that he doesnt have a thingyou know, like a hobby or a passion or Whatever. He said that he goes to Work, he comes home and Watches the news, blah, blah, blah. So Mark told him that maybe he should get a pet. You know, like a big furry dog, and they could play together, and go on long Walks, and become best buddies. He thought this Was really funny. He Was like, I already have a crazy son. Isnt that enough? And Mark Was like, But pets are nice. And he said, Son, you know, youre right. Pets are nice. People are dogs.

I glance at Mark. Wow. Heavy. What did you say to that?

He shrugs at me With his mouth half full and ketchup dribbling down his chin. Woof, Woof.

Things I Love About Rachel Klein

Its easy to see Why Mark and Nikki make a great couple. For one, they look alike. Theyre both blessed With the same Mediterranean complexion, the same carefree thrift-store style. Theyve also nailed the elusive Were-hot-and-Were-comfortable-With-it vibe. They could be brother and sister. But it goes beyond just a physical resemblance. Its metaphysical. Theyre almost yin and yang. They share lots of private jokes and long, meaningful glances. They finish each others sentences. They even hang out With each others parents. Its as if theyre adults.

I dont get it. Because my own girlfriend

Lets just say that our relationship rests a few rungs lower on the maturity ladder.

Its not that I dont love Rachel Klein. Of course I love her. Whats not to love? Theres her blond hair (short cropped and funky), her blue eyes (soft), her fashion sense (bohemian: sandals and floral dresses), her GPA (4.0 and rising), her sense of social commitment (shes a member of Amnesty International), the fact that shes reallyWell, for lack of a better Wordnice