Klein - The little book of senior moments

Klein, Shelley

This book was produced in EPUB format by the Internet Archive.

The book pages were scanned and converted to EPUB format automatically. This process relies on optical character recognition, and is somewhat susceptible to errors. The book may not offer the correct reading sequence, and there may be weird characters, non-words, and incorrect guesses at structure. Some page numbers and headers or footers may remain from the scanned page. The process which identifies images might have found stray marks on the page which are not actually images from the book. The hidden page numbering which may be available to your ereader corresponds to the numbered pages in the print edition, but is not an exact match; page numbers will increment at the same rate as the corresponding print edition, but we may have started numbering before the print book's visible page numbers. The Internet Archive is working to improve the scanning process and resulting books, but in the meantime, we hope that this book will be useful to you.

The Internet Archive was founded in 1996 to build an Internet library and to promote universal access to all knowledge. The Archive's purposes include offering permanent access for researchers, historians, scholars, people with disabilities, and the general public to historical collections that exist in digital format. The Internet Archive includes texts, audio, moving images, and software as well as archived web pages, and provides specialized services for information access for the blind and other persons with disabilities.

Created with abbyy2epub (v.1.7.0)

Q \N/\SIO/V^

6s ** >> L

- /bladder '

t CONTROL

I**

V>i

friends

NAMES

**

BADDRESSSENSE

Do you need different glasses to find yourother two pairs? Do you refer to your oldestand closest friend as Thingy? Has your carmysteriously parked itself on the other sideof the road? Can you name every guest atyour fourth birthday party, but dont knowwhat youre doing tomorrow?

Congratulations or commiserations you are now joining the ranks of peopleafflicted by senior moments, those mentalblips that are liable to waylay us at the mostinconvenient times. Suddenly, previouslyeffortless tasks such as locating your carkeys, remembering your childrens names,and putting on your socks become Olympic-like feats, calculated to frustrate andamuse in equal measure.

Fear not, for help is at hand. The Book ofSenior Moments is the essential guide todealing with your dotage, drawing on theexperiences of the famous and not-so-famous, from politicians to poets, composersto comedians. Discover exit strategies forwhen youve been ambushed by yourmemory, as well as diet and recreation tipsfor how to keep your body and mind intip-top condition. Crammed full of advice,examples, anecdotes, confessions, retorts andexcuses, this is required reading for anyoneinterested in ... er ... whatever it is.

The Book of

SENIOR

MOMENTS

Digitized by the Internet Archivein 2018 with funding fromKahle/Austin Foundation

https://archive.org/details/bookofseniormomeOOOOklei

CONTENTS

Introduction 9

Early Signs 12

A Few Words of Wisdom from J. B. Priestley 16

More Early Signs 16

The Best of Friends? 21

How Time Flies 22

Family Reunion 22

It's a Numbers Thing 23

Backseat Driver 26

Pootles Story 27

Its All Downhill 28

Ancient Words of'Wisdom 30

Dear Sir 30

Keep Death off the Roads 32

Peters Story 34

Grumpy Old People 35

Parking is Such Sweet Sorrow 37

Love Potions 39

Wise Counsel? 40

Smokers Rule 41

Top Tips for Not Growing Old 41

A Rose by Any Other Name 47

What the Doctor Ordered? 48

Practical Ideas to Keep The Mind in Shapeand Senior Moments at Bay 48

Bridge 51

Love Bites 52

On the Indignities of Age 52

Forgetful, Moi? 53

Seeing Red 54

Mother Superior - A Seventeenth-Century Nuns Prayer 55

Age Before Beauty 56

Senior Symphony 58

Catalogue of Complaints 58

Annabels Story 59

Tender Memory 60

Say What? 60

Bodily Functions 61

Free-Falling 64

Regrets - Ive Had a Few 65

More Ancient Words of Wisdom ... 65

... And a Few Modern Words of Confusion 66

A Double Life 66

Socks 66

Three Ladies 67

Hot Under the Collar 68

Menopausal Moments 69

Menopausal Quotes 70

If You Dont Move It, You Lose It 71

One Track Mind 73

Open-and-Shut Case 74

Malapropisms 74

Father W illiam 7 8

Forever Young 80

Gardens of Delight 82

Weather or Not 83

Middle Age 84

Rebecca's Story 86

Holding Back the Years . 87

Over the Hill? 88

Out of Order 95

Age Defies Gravity 98

The Time of Your Life 98

Forget Me Not 100

Senior Statesmen Part I 101

Very Old Testament 106

Shakes-peering 107

Golden Oldies - Secrets of Longevity 108

The Four Seasons 110

Long Division 110

Life Is... Ill

Old Age Is... 112

Silver Linings 113

The Prime of Life? 119

Old Girls Reunion 119

Late Bloomers 120

Senior Statesmen Part II 121

Barking Mad 123

Times Winged Chariot 12 5

Food for Thought 127

Thanks for the Memories 141

Fighting Fit 142

Natural Remedy 147

Mnemonics 148

Last-Minute Observations Plus a Few Extra Tips 151

Bibliography 159

I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should diefirst, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old-agehome. You get kicked out when youre too young, youget a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty yearsuntil youre young enough to enjoy your retirement. Youdo drugs, alcohol, you party you get ready for highschool. You go to grade school, you become a kid, youplay you have no responsibilities, you become a littlebaby, you go back into the womb, you spend your lastnine months floating... and you finish off as an orgasm.

George Carlin, comedian

INTRODUCTION

There is only one period of our lives during which we consciouslydesire to be older than we actually are, and that is childhood.When we are less than fifteen years old, we are so excited aboutgrowing up we tend to think in fractions, leading us to tell peopleproudly that we are ten-and-a-half or nme-and-three-quarters.Sadly however, this lust for maturity doesnt last long and by thetime we hit our mid-twenties and realize that our youth is well andtruly behind us, wed do anything to slow down times passage.

Although we can be sure that age will eventually catch up witheach and every one of us, what is less certain is precisely howearly the first signs of ageing will occur. After all, if youre in yourthirties when your best friends name mysteriously begins toelude you, what does that say about you? Even at this early age,you may well be experiencing your first senior moment, afterwhich life will never quite be the same! Senior moments areperhaps best described as the sort of mental blips that waylay usat the most inconvenient times; sometimes leading to confusionand calamity, they can be infuriating and entertaining in equalmeasure. One thing you can be sure of - as this book testifies - isthat you are certainly not alone.