Smith - The Herald Diary: a Quacking Good Read

The Diary welcomes stories from all over the world, but we do have a special affection for those stories from Glasgow, which we often think sum up the great city better than anything else.

GLASGOW private hire drivers will have to sit a test on their English language skills and their knowledge of the city if new measures are agreed by Glasgow City Councils licensing committee. Mind you, there can be language problems even if the driver is a native-born Glaswegian. A reader once told us he was in a Glasgow taxi with a colleague from London who was having difficulty opening the door. She seemed even more perplexed when the driver helpfully told her: Pullrahonnelhen.

JUST another weekend in Glasgow. Panto star and comedian Johnny Mac passed on this observation from the citys West End: Kelvingrove Park benches a family enjoying a picnic of hummus and roast vegetables at one, while on another bench a guy is drinking a bottle of Buckfast while on the phone to his mate saying, No I cant go back to Nicolas flat Im just oot some burds hoose and Ive no showered.

A GLASGOW reader swears to us he heard a young woman in the town tell her male pal: Have you seen my cat tattoo? and he replied: How does it hold the needle?

A VIGNETTE from Glasgows Buchanan Street where a Milngavie reader watched a young chap go over to a mendicant sitting on the street and ask him if he could buy him something to eat.

The supplicant replied: Aye, great! A chicken and bacon sandwich out of Sainsburys and a medium-sized strawberry milkshake, mate. Okeydokey? This proved too much for the Good Samaritan who told him: Have you ever heard the expression Beggars cant be choosers? and walked on.

JUST a vignette from the streets of Partick on a Friday evening. A female jogger is running on the spot at the traffic lights on Dumbarton Road waiting for them to change so she can cross. A chap in a T-shirt, which appears to be attempting to keep his five bellies under control, is outside the Rosevale Bar with his mate having a fag. Nice boobs, hen, he tells the runner, although he might not have used the word boobs. As the lights change, she replies: Likewise, mate, and heads off as Smokers pal laughs in his face.

A READER in Australia declared: I saw a car in Sydney with a sticker on the back window saying, I Miss Glasgow. So, I smashed a window, nicked his radio, then left a note stating, Hope this helps.

ANOTHER Australian reader once told us: On a visit home to Scotland we stopped in Stonehaven for lunch. When we asked what the soup was, everyone thought our Glaswegian waitress replied, Thai soup. I wondered aloud whether it might be too spicy for our two-year-old daughter, but was assured it was not by the puzzled girl. Only then did it dawn on me that she was talking about tattie soup, complete with glottal stop.

A GLASGOW reader heard an auld fella on his bus into town discussing with his pal the current fashion to have tattoos, and he came out with the memorable line: I mean, when I was young you could make out what they were a heart or a flower or something. But now some o they young folks arms look like the inside of your old school desks lid.

A READER in London declares: When I moved down south from Glasgow, I told everyone that my nickname at school was Scarface. I never explained it was because I was brilliant at knitting.

ANOTHER London reader told us: There was one other Scot working in my office who became a good pal, but unfortunately he moved back to Glasgow. Occasionally folk would ask me in the pub, Wheres your pal Crawford? I would shake my head and tell them, Hes gone to a better place. They express their condolences until I explain that Glasgow really is a better bet than London these days.

SAW one of these pointless social media questions where someone asked: If I were to break into your house and steal what is on top of your refrigerator, what am I getting? A Jerry Edwards from Glasgow merely replied: Dust. Help yourself.

AH, Glasgow life. A vignette from stand-up Janey Godley who explains: Got woke up with the bin men at 8 a.m. They have a new wee guy on the squad whose voice hasnt broken yet, and he was shouting and swearing bants to impress the gang like a really nervous sweary Kate Bush, if Kate Bush was from Govan.

A GLASGOW reader swears he heard a young woman in his pub the other night declare: Im no longer on Facebook, and her pal replying: So how do you know when its your birthday? It reminds us of a colleague who felt the need to tell us: Did you know that the most prolific user on Facebook has died? We wont see the likes of him again.

THE announcement that The Buteman newspaper is to close reminds us of a reader of The Diary who sent us the story from the paper of the countryside ranger who went to check an eight-foot-long bird hide at Ascog Loch which had been built to help twitchers spot the rare birds that stop off on Bute on their annual migrations. Inside, he found a family of four from Glasgow who were having a holiday in it, complete with food, milk, newspapers... and a fold-up settee.

MARRIED life can be tricky. A Glasgow reader heard a chap in his local pub explain to his pals: The dog ran in from the garden with its mucky paws leaving a trail over the living-room carpet. Do something! shouted the wife. Apparently reaching for my mobile phone to record a film of it wasnt what she had in mind.