Parks - Fragments of Fear

To two women who know how to be deep, dear, lifelong friends: Kerry Kern Woods and Lorrie Jenicek.

Trust in the L ord with all your heart;

do not depend on your own understanding.

Proverbs 3:5

Evelyn Yvonne McTavishTavish to her friendsclenched the red long-stemmed rose and stared at the glossy casket. The brief graveside service had ended with the Unitarian Universalist pastor reading from Kahlil Gibrans The Prophet. The pastors last words echoed in Tavishs mind. And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance.

What does that even mean? Tavish whispered. The unseasonably warm Albuquerque sun beat down on her black wide-brimmed hat, giving her a pounding headache. Her dress was itchy black wool made worse by her sweat.

The few mourners drifted away to their cars lined up on the pavement behind her, each first tossing a rose from a spray onto the lowered coffin.

Her mother had put in an appearance at the funeral home but left before the graveside service. Mothers stolen art had been released by the police and was being returned today. The stolen paintings were clearly more important than her daughters grief.

Tavish felt... hot. Hollow. Empty. Squeezed dry.

The funeral director, standing in the shade of a nearby tree, shifted and took a quick look at his watch.

Of course. She was delaying them from finishing their work. Fake grass covered the pile of raw, tawny-colored earthearth that would soon cover her fianc.

She tried to picture his face. Before. The funeral home said his remains were unviewable, but they didnt realize shed been the one to find his body. That was the image burned into her brain. Hed told her where to meet him, a parking lot near the Rio Grande River. He was in his cara rental, it turned out. The shotgun was beside him on the seat.

She snapped the roses stem in half.

He would have left a note. If it was suicide, he would have left her a note. If he loved her like hed promised, he would have found a way to tell her why.

The late-afternoon sunlight caught the facets of her engagement rings diamond, sending a shimmering light pattern onto the coffins dark wood. Hed proposed just a week ago. They planned to have a celebration dinner this very night. He would have formally met her motherand just as formally asked her mother for her hand in marriage.

She tore her gaze from the yawning grave and glanced at her grandmothers headstone a short distance away. Grandma, I wish you were here.

She felt rather than heard someone come up behind her. She stiffened, expecting more bland condolences or maybe even a nudge toward her car.

I cant believe its true, a womans voice murmured. I came as fast as I could.

Tavish nodded. She couldnt believe it either. Shed walked around for the past week like a cyborgwhen she could get out of bed. She hadnt bothered to contact her accounting company and let them know why she was absent. They called and shed just let the answering machine pick up. Theyd finally stopped calling. She didnt care to know why. What difference did that make? Her life was over. And she hated that company anyway. Though Tavishs heart had been in her art ever since her grandmother died, her mother insisted she work a real job and had given her the firm. Now her mother could take it back.

Why? Why? the woman asked.

Why indeed? Tavish wished the mourner would leave. She needed these last few moments alone with Andrew. Her love. Her loss. Shed mentally planned their wedding, honeymoon, first home. The baby they would make. Family Thanksgivings and Christmases together. Now only emptiness stretched before her.

I had so much to say to him, the other woman whispered. I... I... She quietly sobbed.

Tavish pulled a clean handkerchief from her pocket and held it out. The woman took it.

Hed brought meaning into her life, which had lost direction since Grandmas death. Before he came along, shed been a fat, ugly lump of clay. Hed thought her intelligent, beautiful, and a brilliant artist.

The weeping continued, followed by coughing and throat clearing. This is so wrong.

Wrong? Nothings been right for a long time.

He never would have left me. The womans voice steadied. Never. Not now. We were to have been married

Her words shot through Tavishs thoughts. Excuse me? She turned.

The strikingly beautiful young woman stared at Tavish through brown, glittering eyes. A black shift stretched across her pregnant belly.

Tavish tore her gaze from the womans midsection and took a half step backward. Oh. Its... Im... This is extremely awkward, but I think youre at the wrong funeral. This is... was Andrew James.

Yes. Andrew James. Hes dead, and its all my fault. She stared at the lowered coffin, then shifted her gaze to Tavish. Her eyes narrowed. Or maybe its your fault.

Glancing around for the funeral director, Tavish hoped to catch his attention and have him escort this obviously deranged woman away. She spotted the man walking toward the hearse.

I made him choose, the woman said. She was now glaring at Tavish. But it is your fault.

Tavish wanted to put her hands over her ears. Please go away

I never would have done that... made him choose between usthe woman shook her headif Id known hed kill himself.

Tavishs stomach churned. He didnt kill himself! He was murdered, and it was set up to look like suicide. I... found him.

The womans gaze sharpened. Do the police believe it was murder?

Not yet, but

The woman opened a faux leather tote bag, grabbed a photograph, and thrust it at Tavish. Andrew grinned out at her, his arm around the woman. In the background, Tavish recognized the distinctive shape of the Spirit Lodge and Spa on the edge of town. She sucked in air through numb lips. That d-doesnt prove anything.

The woman snatched the photograph back. You dont have to believe me. Think about all the times Andrew was gone

He was an investment counselor. He had to travel

Yeah. Right. Investment counselors do most of their work on the phone. The woman jammed the photograph back into her purse. Did you ever go with him on a business trip? Did you ever meet a single client?

No

And where are his clients? His friends? Family? Why didnt anyone come to his funeral?

Um...

Did you ever even go to his home?

He... he said he had a roommate.

Yeah. Me.

Tavish opened her mouth but no words came out. She felt like someone had just sucker-punched her in the stomach.

The womans lips tightened. Did you think a man as handsome as he was would ever fall for you? She held up the handkerchief Tavish had given her. Who has embroidered initials on their handkerchiefs? Who even carries handkerchiefs anymore? Youre a plain, dumpy rich girl. Thats all he wanted. Your money.

He... he had money...

Is that what he told you? Ha! That ring on your finger is nothing more than cubic zirconia.

Tavishs head buzzed.

Want more proof that he was engaged to me? That I knew him? Andrew loved IPA beer, wore his fathers dog tags, and hated his work. Shall I describe his

No!

I knew about you, but you didnt know about me. I told him he had to break up with you or Id make sure this little bundleshe rubbed her bulging stomachwould be your next news flash. Andrew took the easy way out. She turned to leave, then turned back. None of this had to happen if you and all your money hadnt come along. Now neither of us wins. She pivoted and stalked away.

Tavish turned toward the open grave, staring at it blindly. She could barely breathe.

The funeral director coughed softly.

She blinked, dropped the roses broken stem, then crumpled the petals and let them drift through her fingers. Carefully she removed the engagement ring, lifted a corner of the fake grass, and shoved the ring into the dirt. She straightened, turned, and walked to her car, never looking back.