Rivers - I hate everyone ... starting with me

I HATE EVERYONE

JOAN
RIVERS

I HATE EVERYONESTARTING WITH ME

THE BERKLEY PUBLISHING GROUP

Published by the Penguin Group

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Copyright 2012, 2013 by CCF Productions, Inc.

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eBook ISBN: 978-1-101-58088-2

The Library of Congress has cataloged the Berkley hardcover edition as follows:

Rivers, Joan.

I hate everyonestarting with me / Joan Rivers.

p. cm.

ISBN 978-0-425-24830-0 (hardback)

1. MisanthropyHumor. I. Title.

PN6231.M59R58 2012

814.54dc23

2012008413

All interior photographs are provided courtesy of Joan Rivers unless otherwise indicated. Joan Live in Las Vegas () photo courtesy of Patrick McMullan.

Cover photography by Charles Bush.

Cover design by Rita Frangie.

Interior text design by Pauline Neuwirth.

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The suits at Penguin have asked/suggested/demanded that I point out to everyone (especially litigious crackpots and humorless celebrities) that Im a comedian and this is a humor book and if youre too dumb/stupid/feebleminded to figure that out, then thats your problem.

Why they asked/suggested/demanded that I do this, I dont know; nothing in this book is actionable because (like politicians, clergymen and Mel Gibson) every word of it was spoken to me directly by God.

Joan Rivers

FYI: God called collect. What a cheapo.

To

The Son of Sam, David Berkowitz.

Call me.

and

O.J. Simpson, who deserves another chance.

Maybe the lippy ex-wife had it coming.

Ill bet you thought I was going to dedicate this to Melissa and Cooper. Well, you thought wrong.

I hate authors who thank, honor or acknowledge everyone theyve ever met for helping me, in some big or small way, to travel on this journey I call life, and have made me the personand authorI am today.

Fuck them! Since the day my mother bought me at the auction, Ive had nobody to thank or acknowledge. And if anyone says I do, I especially hate them.

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

ELIZABETH BARRETT BROWNING, 1850

How do I hate thee?

How much time do you have?

JOAN RIVERS, TODAY, ABOUT TWO-ISH

Love may be a many-splendored thing, but hate makes the world go round. If you think Im kidding, just watch the six oclock news. The first twenty-nine minutes are all about dictators and murderers and terrorists and maniacs and, worst of all, real housewives. And then, at the very end of the show, theres a thirty second human-interest story about some schmuck who married his cat. I rest my case.

Some things Ive hated forever, some are new acquisitions and some are just passing fancies. Today I hate: happy TV weathermen, feminists who believe Gloria Steinems great looks hurt her, Gloria Steinem herself, people who mispronounce the word ask, studio apartments, guidance counselors, first ladies, old people. So if any of this offends you, or you happen to love puppies and kittens and the infirmwellIm impressed. I hate you, but Im impressed

I know what youre thinking: Joan, hate is a very strong word. Youre right, it is, but I use it as an umbrella term, the way mental-health professionals use the word schizophrenia as a catchall for any particular brand of crazy they cant identify. So when I say hate, I dont necessarily mean hate. I could also mean loathe, detest, abhor, dislike, despise or resent. See, isnt that kinder and gentler? If you think this makes you a better person than I am, good. Youre the idiot that actually paid for this book.

For those of you thinking, Geez, Joan seems a little angry, youre half right. I am angry. Im also fed up. Im fed up with the morons and losers and cretins who are cluttering up the planet. Emma Lazarus wrote, Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. I didnt know she meant on my block. But being fed up and angry is better than being depressed. Psychologists tell us that depression is just anger turned inward, but I say, why waste your time? It is what it is and quite frankly Id rather be angry than depressed. Why? Because antidepressants like Prozac, Wellbutrin and Zoloft can cause bloatingand I hate bloating!!! (I need to go back and add bloating to the list of things I hate. Is there anything worse than not being able to fit into a size two Valentino? I think not. Talk about depressing.)

Im tired of people saying to me, Joan, could you please try to be nice to Harry? Hes depressed. No! Why should I have to work like a pack animal trying to be nice to Harry because that assholes having a bad day?

Depression is a buzz kill for everyone involved except, of course, for the person who is actually depressed. That moody sourpuss gets all the attention, which only feeds their narcissism. I believe the great Russian Italian Greek Polish philosopher Descartes said it best when he said, I whine, therefore, I am. (Ah, he was Jewish.) But who really cares what Descartes said? You know where Descartes is today? Dead. So much for honesty being the best policy.

Before I move on, can I just say, I hate the French. (Note to self: Please put this on the list.) Why? Because those morons still think Jerry Lewis is fabulous, thats why.

For the few of you who are still reading this, Ill tell you what else I hate. I hate it when people say, Lets invite Jane to the party. Shes going through a difficult time. I say, Fuck Jane. Im paying top dollar for a caterer. Let Jane slash her wrists in her house. Introverted, depressed people suck the life out of a good party; angry, hateful people liven things up. You give me one person who is still angry the Third Reich was toppled, and Ill give you a great dinner party.

Did you ever walk into an amazing party, and youre strolling around, going from room to room, making small talk and slipping the nice serving spoons into your purse, when all of a sudden you run into a sweaty, angry guy in the library who looks like the Unabomber with better fashion sense? You know, the kind of guy who tells you that he doesnt care if the glass is half full or half empty, he only hopes its broken and that Kenny G drinks from it and cuts his lips off and ruins his career.