Rivers Joan - Men Are Stupid . . . and They Like Big Boobs

Men Are Stupid
And They Like Big Boobs

A Womans Guide to Beauty Through Plastic Surgery

A Womans Guide to Beauty Through Plastic Surgery

Joan Rivers
with Valerie Frankel

Pocket Books
A Division of Simon & Schuster, Inc.
1230 Avenue of the Americas
New York, NY 10020
www.SimonandSchuster.com

Copyright 2009 by Joan Rivers and Larry A. Thompson

All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information address Pocket Books Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020

Regarding plastic surgery and non-invasive cosmetic procedures, each patients needs and requirements are unique. Each doctor has his and her particular methods and strategies. Therefore, we have described surgeries and procedures in general standard terms. For specific details about surgeries and procedures as they apply to an individual patient or client, consult a doctor. Consult two or three. Read this book with the understanding that your surgery might not proceed exactly as weve described it here.

First Pocket Books hardcover edition January 2009

POCKET and colophon are registered trademarks of Simon & Schuster, Inc.

For information about special discounts for bulk purchases, please contact Simon & Schuster Special Sales at 1-800-456-6798 or business@simonandschuster.com

Designed by Ruth Lee Mui

Manufactured in the United States of America

10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.

eISBN-13: 978-1-4391-2368-3
ISBN-13: 978-1-4165-9922-7
ISBN-10: 1-4165-9922-3

This book is dedicated to all the women whove felt they had to keep their plastic surgery a secret, whove lied about having had it, and whove felt shame about needing it, wanting it, or doing it. May you never have a moments guilt and embarrassment again, only pride in your appearance and joy about how you feel.

Some people call them doctors. I call them life-savers.

Miracle in a needle.

Permanent or temporary ways to get smoochable lips.

Wrinkle-erasing, collagen, Restylane, Juvderm, and other fillers you need to know about. Plus: mole removal. On Cindy Crawford, the mole looks good. On you? Not so much.

Skin resurfacing peels, microdermabrasion, laser zapping, freckle nixing, rosacea fixing, and getting rid of broken capillaries, acne scars, and every blemish under the sun. Plus: the ugly truth about cellulite.

Laser body-hair removal and head-hair transplants.

Face lifts of every flavorfull, mini, and featherfacial implants, and revolumizing fat transfers. Plus: how to get better teeth to go with the uplifted face.

Boob jobs, boob jabs, lifts, reductions, and all you ever wanted to know about how to tweak a nipple.

Nose jobs: smaller, bigger, straighter, sharper, narrower. Also, what the hell happened to Michael Jackson?

Liposuction: how the fat gets out of your belly, butt, chin, knee, wherever it lurks.

Tummy tucks, mommy make overs, and how to getyour pre-preggers body back.

A wake-up call for drooping eyes and brows. Also, how to get torn lobes and jugheads fixed.

Body and face of a thirty-year-old, limbs of Mother Teresa? Extreme makeovers, for extremities.

Vaginal rejuvenation and butt lifts. Also, how to work out your vagina.

Now that youre gorgeous, some tips and tricks for staying that way.

Men Are Stupid
And They Like Big Boobs

A Womans Guide to Beauty Through Plastic Surgery

Okay, politically incorrect or not, lets face it, men are stupid. They cant help it. Theyre wired to procreate and Mother Nature has doomed the poor things. They are attracted to creatures that are their opposites, with hairless bodies, big boobs, slim waists, rounded buttsand this has become the beauty ideal many women aspire to achieve.

So why not? Arent we past the age of I can do everything; I dont need a man? Nowadays, its I can do everything, and I want a man and I want to be beautiful. Or, its Yes, Im smart. Yes, Im educated. And yes, I still want to feel the thrill of looking in the mirror and liking what I see.

When people used to say a woman was smart, it was a nice way of saying she was ugly. Beautiful women were often assumed to be stupid. These days, smart means just thatsmart. And beautiful means just thatbeautiful. No one cares how a woman got that way, just as long as she is. I think women shouldnt settle for less than being both smart and beautiful. For many of us, having it all means getting a nip, or a tuck, or a little lift now and again. Why? Because it makes us feel good.

I was talking with a rich friend last year and said that I wanted to write a book about beauty and cosmetic surgery. It would be part personal history, part insight, and part practical advice about treatments. My rich friend said, Great idea. Get to work. Cant wait to read it. And send me a freebie.

Ive been the public (lifted) face of cosmetic enhancement since the Stone Age. My luck was to realize early on the degree to which looking good helped my life and careerand to start having work done early, too. My abiding life philosophy is plain: In our appearance-centric society, beauty is a huge factor in everyones professional and emotional successfor good or ill, its the way things are; accept it or go live under a rock.

In our society, looks matter more than anyone would like to believe, and its senseless to go through life angry about it when you can just embrace it. Looking good equals feeling good. Feeling good equals having more confidence. So why not do whatever you can to improve your appearance? Unlike a dress that goes out of style, or a diet that ultimately fails, a beautiful nose is forever. You can get mad about societys demands, you can say, Im proud of the way God made me, or you can get beautiful.

Some people feel I have had too much plastic surgery, whereas others feel I could probably still use some more work. Most just dont care. I tend to agree with the latter group, then again, screwem all. I feel like Joan Rivers.

The title of this book, Men Are Stupid And They Like Big Boobs, and she was right! It was as true then as it is now.

Lets face it. Men are guided not by their brains, but by their eyes and penises. A man looks at an attractive woman and thinks, Id tap that. A woman looks at herself and thinks about her flaws and the guilt she feels about hating them. She might try to rally her spirits around her inner beauty. Weve been taught since kindergarten that the quest for inner beauty is noble and powerful, while pursuing outer beauty is vain and superficial and not nearly as empowering as achieving a really good personality. Yet, come on! Despite a womans bedrock belief in her inner goodness, her eyes keep drifting back to her wrinkles, or her big nose, or her belly roll. The truth is, inner beauty might get you a promotion, or, for that matter, a raise, but it wont get you a husband, or a lover. No one ever asked Eleanor Roosevelt to dance. Except maybe Gertrude Stein.

Relax. You shouldnt have mixed emotions about wanting to be sexy and gorgeous. Its normal! No one gets up in the morning and says, Hey, what can I do today to turn myself into a dog? Even the Elephant Mans sister put on lipstick. Youre not a selfish, amoral person if you spend money on your appearance. I truly believe that within her means, every woman should do whatever she can to look her best. And she should enjoy doing it, too! Beauty is important, noble, and a requirement for success in our society. Contrary to conventional wisdom, even smart girls are allowed to haveand flauntround, perky butts. And a high, hard rear end is a thing of beautyand a thing we can all have.