Tingle - Heavy Metal Unicorn Lawyer Sings Into My Butthole Legally

HEAVY METAL UNICORN LAWYER SINGS INTO MY BUTTHOLE LEGALLY

By Chuck Tingle

Some days a better than others, and I know this. Its something that I keep reminding myself as the bad days start stretching out into bad weeks, rolling over each other like a snowball as they grow in size and scope. It feels like forever since Ive actually woken up and been excited about my life.

The thing is, Im also well aware that whatevers going on with me could be much, much worse. Im not completely consumed by hopelessness; at least, not yet.

Instead, I find myself with a vague, general blandness that seems to hang over everything in the subtlest of ways. Nothing is utterly dreadful, its just kind of boring, and thats what makes motivating myself to change so difficult.

I feel like every day is exactly the same. I wake up, I get dressed, and I head to work with a tie snug up against my neck, then sit in a small office whe re I struggle to make sales. E ven if I do well, these results seem to go unnoticed. I toil away here for hours on end as the sun slowly creeps across the sky, and by the time night falls, I head home to immediately crawl into bed before repeating the process all over again.

Thank god for the weekend.

Im kicking off this Saturday afternoon by stopping in for a quick lunch with my friend Rento. Im trilled, but when I see my bud from a seat out on the patio, he seems less than excited to see me.

I wave Rento over, standing up to greet him with a hug. Whats up man? You doing okay?
Im doing great, he informs me. Whats up with you?

Im smiling wide, but the second Rento says this I give up the front, letting my expression collapse into a natural frown. Is it that obvious? I question.

I mean, yeah, Rento continues. I know you better than anyone, Jorbit. Youve got a terrible pokerface.

I let out a long sigh as the two of us take a seat, the waiter approaching quickly and taking our drink orders before disappearing back into the commotion of the restaurant lunch rush.

The daily grind getting you down? my friend finally continues.

I nod. Its crazy man. Its not that Im sad, Im just bored. I dont know its hard to put my finger on.

I get it, Rento affirms with a nod.

I just feel like there used to be so much color in my life. The grass seemed greener and the sky felt bluer. Now, its like everything is just gray. I feel like Im living in an old black and white television show.

Well, besides lunch with me, what do you do for fun? Rento asks. Thats where most of the spark in life is.

I consider my friends question for a moment, my mind racing with all the potential answers. Slowly, however, I realize that theres really not all that much to chose from. My routine is set, and its very rare that I ever stray to o far away from it.

This is it, I finally admit. This is my fun.

Rento laughs. Well, I appreciate that, I really do, but youve gotta find some hobbies if youre ever gonna be happy. Art and entertainment are what makes life worth living.

Im too busy for that, I counter.

Youve got all weekend, Rento reminds me.

Hes right, and I know it, but I dont even know where to begin. Okay, well... I trail off, trying to come up with any kind of entertaining suggestion for the two of us. You want to do something later? Something fun?

Rento nods and pulls out his phone, typing in a website and then slowly beginning to scroll through a long, long page of dates and names.

Whats that? I ask, curiously.

The local event calendar, Rento informs me. Lets see whats going on.

My friend doesnt have to scroll far. Oh, hey! Rento blurts, genuinely excited. Horns of Heck are playing at the metal club downtown tonight.

I have no idea who the Horns of Heck are, but I nod along. Okay, that sounds pretty fun. Do you wanna go to that?

Are you kidding me? Of course! Rento confirms. Their new song is all over rock radio right now. You know the one about riding like a unicorn biker?

I shake my head. I dont know that one.
Rento smiles. Well, youre in for a treat.

The second we arrive at the venue, I can tell that tonight is going to be something special. Theres a crowd out front milling around with passionate excitement, anxiously awaiting their favorite heavy metal unicorn rockers who will be taking the stage any minute now.

You having fun yet? Rento asks me as we walk up and hand our tickets to the security guard out front.

I nod, feeling the energy of the crowd as it pushes and pulls through the ether around us. Hell yes I am!

Inside the venue the speakers are already rumbling, pumping out hard rock hits at a lowered volume while the packed house awaits their main event.

Moments later, the lights go down.

Perfect timing, Rento offers with a smile.

We find a spot near the back with a good view and decide to post ourselves here for a while, taking it all in from afar.

Suddenly, a powerful surge of electric guitar fills the room with pleasant distortion, washing through me and immediately satisfying my soul with the colorful presence Id been so desperately craving. A powerful vocal soars through the air above us as the crowd bursts into applause, and moments later the curtain drops to reveal the Horns of Heck.

Wow, is all that I can manage to say, the word falling limply out of my mouth while the band of handsome unicorn rockers kick into their first song.

Theyre absolutely breathtaking, each and every one of them handsome and attractive in their own specific way. The drummer is powerful and muscular, his bulging unicorn biceps flexing with every slam of his sticks. The bassist is cool and collected, a suave creature with a long mane that flows down around the shoulders of his well-tailored suit. Meanwhile, the guitarist remains dark and mysterious, shrouded in the shadows as his hand chugs rhythmically across his six-string.

Last but not least is the stallion out front, his single pink horn glistening under the hot stage lights and flashing across my eyes in beautiful sparkling patterns. This is the lead singer, a unicorn named Grimble Chorns, who is breathtakingly handsome and overflowing with confidence. He prowls the stage with a fire in his eyes unlike anything I have ever seen, belting out power metal melodies in his tight leather pants and ripped open t-shirt.

Im not gay, but Id be lying if I tried to deny the incredible attraction that I feel for this horned creature.

Of course, before my daydreams manage to get too far unwound, I reign them back in. It would never work between me as such a wild and free unicorn. Im a part of the system, trapped in a nine to five grind and searching for some excitement wherever I can find it. Grimble is the exact opposite, a man without care or consequence. Hes a rockstar, and although Im certainly looking for a little excitement in my life, thats just too much to handle.

Going out on the town like this has been good for me, but what I need in my life is balance, not extremes. Besides, its not like Im ever going to meet Grimble Chorns in person.

As the night continues onward, my heart grows more and more full, brimming with an appreciation for the world around me. While I know that Ive got plenty more work to do, I think that this is a wonderful first step for my emotional well-being.

Eventually, the last chord of the night rings out and the audience erupts into a wild applause.

Lets get out of here, Rento suggests.

I nod and the two of us immediately turn and head back out through the lobby. The car is parked just a few blocks down but instead of heading straight home we decide to cross the street and stop in at Rentos favorite chocolate milk bar.

The place is cozy and nice, dimly lit and perfect for a long chat over two glasses of the cold stuff.

Rento and I find a booth near the window and watch as the concert patrons spill out into the streets.