Tingle - Bigfoot Sommelier Butt Tasting

BIGFOOT SOMMELIER BUTT TASTING

By Chuck Tingle

As far as bros weekends go, a wine tasting is the last thing that Id be likely to get excited about. Still, its Jeffs turn to pick and, for whatever reason, nobody else seems t o have the same aversion to Nap a Valley as I do. If it were up to me, like it was last month, wed be heading back to Vegas for round two of strippers, gambling and black-out-drunk nights of insane debauchery.

How much farther? I ask from the back seat of our SUV, my head pressed hard against the window as I stare out across the passing vineyards that line our drive through the hills. Ill readily admit that the scenery is beautiful, but Im still not all that excited to s pend our whole weekend out here. Ill take beautiful women over beautiful scenery any day.

This wine better be fucking fantastic. I tell the rest of the car, clearly displaying my disappointment.

I can see Pete glance back at me in the rear view mirror, his expression one of quiet disapproval, but he says nothing.

You dont like wine country? Says our friend, Jeff, from the passenger seat. He seems just as put off by my attitude as Pete does but, having picked the location this time around, Jeff has no problem defending his position.

Dude, they only chicks up here are like eighty years old! I tell the guys in exasperation.

Pete rolls his eyes. Alright, fine. Youre right, there probably wont be a bunch of chicks up here over the weekend.

So why are we even going? I ask, throwing my hands up.

Because it s not always about chicks, man! Pete tells me. Were always out looking for girls, for on ce cant we just chill as bros and enjoy some wine.

I let out a long sigh. Sure dude, whatever.

The thing is, Petes right and deep down I know it. Still, as the number one poon hound in our frat, Ive got a reputation to maintain. I cant wait to get out of this fucking car and get drunk. I say under my breath.

Well, it looks like you wont have to wait very long. Jeff tells me as we crest over the top a ridge and reveal the beautiful estate of Bilbs Vineyard.

The place is actually pretty impressive, an elegant resort surrounded by acres of beautiful grapes that beckon us onward and up the winding hill. As we make our ascent we pass by a wealthy looking elderly couple walking down the road.

Oh my god! I cry out. Youve gotta be kidding me. Were gonna be the youngest people here by like six decades!

Pete turns around in his chair. Nick, chill the fuck out!

I can tell by his tone that my buddy has finally had enough of my compla ining and I back off. Ill keep my mouth shut unt il hes had a chance to cool down. Who knows, maybe I could find a milf around here somewhere if I put in a little effort.

We soon pull into the main parking area and stop the car, then all three of us climb out and take a good look at our surroundings.

Im gonna head in a grab the room keys, you guys feel free to walk around for a bit . Jeff says, taking off for the lobby.

Pete wanders over to the edge of the hill for a moment, checking out some of the vines up close. Meanwhile, Im already bored out of my skull, so I head towards what appears to be one of the main tasting rooms.

I can see immediately that a small crowd of well-dressed men and women have gathered around a guided, wine tasting tour . Theyre packed into a room on the side of the estate and the crowd spills out onto the patio, which is where I walk up behind them and find a place to observe.

And now we have a buttery, oaky wine made right here in our own backyard. Says a deep , soothing voice.

I step forward a little more, trying to catch a glimpse of the speaker who stands before the crowd and then stopping suddenly when I see him, my breath catching in my throat. Right there in front of me is the most beautiful creature I have ever laid eyes on, towering over the others by a good two or three feet. Its bigfoot, covered in fur and sipping leisurely from a glass of deep red wine.

Bigfoot puts the glass down and swallows, clearly enjoying the pleasant taste. Lets for m a line now and you can all come up to try a sip. Bigfoot announces.

The group shifts to one side and forms and orderly queue leading up to bigfoots table, where the bottle of wine sits. Im intrigued, and would love to have a taste, but I find myself unable to fall i nto the queue . Im completely spell bound by this magnificent beast, frozen in silence as I take in every inch of his incredible features. The monster is more attractive than any human woman, or man for that matter, that Ive ever seen, a perfect specimen of pure, animalistic hotness.

Despite my best efforts, and the fact that Im completely straight as an arrow, I find my cock growing hard within my pants, aching as it stretches against its fabric prison.

Excuse me excuse me. I hear a voice coming faintly from behind me, snapping me out of my trance.

I turn around a look down to see a little old woman.

Are you waiting in line for the wine ? The old woman asks me.

Oh! I start, trying to collect my senses. Yeah, I am. Sorry about that . I take a few steps over and get into the line as it slowly creeps towards this powerful bigfoot sommelier.

My heart is pounding hard in my chest now, pumping gallons upon gallons of anxiety filled blood throughout my body. Only a few more people in line before me until Ill come face to face with the powerful bigfoot . I fix my hair a make sure my shirt is pressed as nicely as I can with my hands.

Finally, its my turn for a sample of the wine.

Hello. Says the bigfoot . Howd you like a taste, sir?

His imposing presence takes me off guard a bit and I start to stammer, reeling from swagger of this hulking beast. I I would love a taste . I tell him.

The bigfoot starts to pour me a glass very slowly and for a moment the entire world seems to stand still, a massive bubble surrounding the two of us in a romantic sphere of attraction . Me and this bigfoot are the only ones who matter right now; me, him and an incredible glass of wine.

This is our signature Pinot Noir. Says the bigfoot . Aged fifteen years for a delicious woody finish that Im sure youll find very pleasing. This is one of my personal favorite wines here at Bilbs Vineyard.

As I take the glass from the bigfoot s massive hand our fingers briefly touch, which sends a sharp chill down my spine. For a moment our eyes meet and I find myself overwhelmed by an incredible warm that immediately consumes my soul. Im not gay, but I want to be with this amazing beast, more than anything Ive ever wanted in my life.

Youre gonna have to drink it if you want to taste it. The bigfoot tells me with a wry smile.

I glance down at the glass, snapping out of my brief lovers trance as reality comes flooding back . Oh Yeah. I stammer. Sorry.

I smile coyly as I lift the gl ass to my lips and take a sip, instantly hit with a powerful, almost sensual, taste. Oh my god. I murmur.

Good, right? Says the bigfoot.

At this point I notice that this majestic creature is watching me just as closely as Ive been watching him, his eyes transfix ed upon my toned, muscular body as it moves under my tight white shirt. The connection between us is flowing now, moving gracefully back and forth in a strange, unspoken rhythm. A game of cat and mouse played out in subtle movements and looks.

Im Torbo Gulgot The bigfoot suddenly says, extending his hand.

I reach out and give him a firm handshake, barely able to contain my smoldering arousal. Im Nick, its nice to meet you Torbo.

Our hands remain in one anothers for slightly longer than youd expect before Torbo lets go. He takes the glass back and sets it on the counter. You seem like you have quiet an interest in win e tasting. Torbo observes . And a great pallet.

I nod. I hope so.