Tingle - My Butt Is Comforted By The Realization That Im Okay And Everything Will Be Alright

MY BUTT IS COMFORTED BY THE REALIZATION THAT IM OKAY AND EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT

By Chuck Tingle

I cant believe youre really doing it, my friend, Largo says, staring out across the ocean from our comfortable spot on a wooden park bench.

The seat below us feels firm and comforting, this dry land more stable than anything I expect to feel for the next few weeks on the water.

Im really doing it, I assure my friend, turning to face him so that he can see the seriousness in my eyes. I know you think Im crazy, I know everyone thinks I crazy, but I just cant take it anymore. I need to get out of here.

I wouldnt be surprised if Largo started to laugh at me, but instead he just nods in begrudging acceptance. Things change quickly these days, and even the most optimistic of my friends are starting to find themselves worn down by the constant barrage of terrifying news both home and abroad.

Human existence has always been hard, but lately it seems like the world is doing everything it can to make things even harder.

The environment is falling apart and there might not be a way to fix it, the economy looms dangerously close to a full on collapse, and dont even get me started on politics. It seems like every single day there is something else to stress out about, and finally it all just became too much for me to deal with.

In a moment of frustration, I took everything that I owned and sold it all. That money was put towards buying a small island just off the coast of California, an outcropping of rocks so barren and unusable that even I was about to afford it. Ive been told that the possibility of development on the island is slim to none, and that power or running water is completely impossible, but at least Ill be away from all this stress, anxiety, and chaos that makes up our modern world.

Out there, away from the mainland, Ill finally be completely alone.

Ill miss you, buddy, Largo tells me, as if reading my mind.

Deep down, a twisted part of me wishes mankind was even worse off, so that it wouldnt be so hard for me to leave. I know that setting sail is the right thing to do, but its been difficult saying goodbye to my friends and family.

Right now, Largo is the only one left.

Ill miss you, too, I inform him, but Ive gotta get out of here. The world has gone to hell and theres no turning it around.

My friend smirks a bit. Its not so bad.
Not so bad? I counter, raising my voice more than I intended. Did you watch the news today? Did you see whats happening with global warming? Do you have any idea what the president is doing? Were on the verge of another world war!

Largo raises his hand in submission. Okay, okay. I understand what youre saying. Its hard to deal with, but its not all bad.

I lift a single eyebrow. Tell me one good thing in the world right now?

Friendship, Largo replies.

I let out a long sigh. You can come with me, I tell him. Theres enough room on the island for two, and the boat has plenty of food to make the trip.

Largo scoffs. Ive seen pictures of your island. No thanks, Churn.

I nod in acceptance.

For the next while, my friend and I sit in silence, enjoying the peaceful motion of the waves before us as the pulse gently across the beachfront. Its a beautiful scene, yet I still cant get the nagging feeling out of the back of my mind that something is wrong; that the world could just end at any moment and thered be nothing I can do to stop it. My mind begins in a place of comfort and then moves outward from there, venturing farther and farther into thoughts regarding my insignificance in the universe and what it all means to be alive. I start to think about the immense size of time, and sweat forms across my forehead.

I need to get out of here, I think again, out into the ocean where none of this stress and anxiety can find me.

You alright? Largo interjects, breaking through my thoughts.

I nod. Its time to set sail. Come on down to the dock and see me off.

I stand up and start heading towards the beach, Largo following closely behind. Theres a dock nearby where my sailboat has been tied, a modest vessel but large enough to comfortably get me where Im going. Theres enough supplies loaded up onto the ship so that I can construct a small hut when I arrive, and enough food to last me the few weeks until I get my fishing and agriculture situation sorted out.

Eventually, my friend and I arrive at the dock, strolling down its wooden planks as the sea breeze flickers across our skin. For a moment, I feel a minor twinge of relaxation. Hopefully, this is a sign of more to come.

Everyone at work wanted me to tell you goodbye, Largo offers as we stand by the side of my boat. I can tell that hes holding something back, not giving me the full story.

Oh yeah? I question.

Largo grins. Well, they said that, but they also wanted me to tell you not to leave. I figured Id just skip that part of it because youre not going to listen.

The words are kind, but the simple mention of work makes a shudder of nervous tension the length of my spine.

Okay then, I finally say, offering Largo an awkward hug. The two of us embrace for a moment and then pull away.

Until next time, Largo replies with a slight wave.

I untie the ropes and climb into my boat, casting off. We both know there may never be a next time, but we pretend convincingly nonetheless.

Now Im drifting farther and farther away from the shore, and while I expect my anxieties regarding the modern world to drift away as well, they appear to stay exactly where they started.

Give it time, I think to myself.

I set a course for my tiny island and then watch the seemingly endless horizon before me, happy to be on my way. Behind, Largo continues to wave until hes nothing more than a tiny pinpoint in the distance.

I take in a deep breath, the sea air filling my lungs with a natural sense of rejuvenation. Out here, none of my doubts and worries will be able to find me. Out here, its just me and the ocean, not another soul for miles and miles.

I begin to hum a song, just making it up as I go while the ship drifts onward, every second taking me farther and farther away from the mainland; from economic collapse or nuclear annihilation.

Soon the minutes turn into hours, the sun moving farther and farther across the sky until it eventually begins its decent towards the horizon line, changing the color of the surrounding blue to a blossoming red and violet. Its a beautiful sight, but in this moment of wonder I cant help noticing something strange in the water.

I rub my eyes and look again, trying to make out the shape that bobs gently in the waves just some forty yards off the front of my boat. Im miles and miles from land in any direction, but its still quite possible this could be nothing more than a floating log. Still, theres something about the object that gives me pause, an unusual angularity that seems nothing short of unnatural.

Closer and closer I get, until Im right upon the object, looking down over the side of the boat with great concern.

Hey there, comes a relaxed voice.

The figure in the water is now in full view, revealing himself to be the word okay in huge, well defined letters. The word is wearing a pair of sunglasses and sipping on a tall glass of chocolate milk as he lays out on an inner tube, half submerged in the icy waters of the deep, deep ocean.

Oh my god, I stammer. Are you okay? How long have you been out here?

Im great, the word says with a smile. Its you that Im curious about.
I narrow my eyes with great concern. What are you saying? Im safe on this boat and youre floating out here in the middle of the ocean!

Everythings fine, the word informs me, then takes a long sip from his chocolate milk. The living collection of letters savors his taste of this cool liquid, closing his eyes and drinking until the entire glass is drained.