Tingle - Dr. Chuck Tingles Complete Guide To Sport

DR. CHUCK TINGLES COMPLETE GUIDE TO SPORT

Chuck Tingle

INTRODUCTION

Competition is a natural part of what it means to be alive, dating back all the way to the first microbes that wiggled there way up out of the primordial ooze. The fastest and strongest of the bunch survived and evolved, eventually becoming the vast array of handsome creatures that inhabit the earth today; including bigfeet, unicorns, dinosaurs, living objects and humans.

In todays society, competition is rarely a conflict of life and death, but those deep-rooted instincts still run though us culturally. We thrive on the ability to relate over a shared mutual sporting team, or to mourn together when our favorite athletes lose. In this way, sports have created an instant point of recognition between potential buds, a spark of conversation from which to develop what could possibly be an important, lifelong relationship.

Of course, this same principal that brings fans together can also tear folks apart, as lasting rivalries are often known to erupt throughout the ranks of professional sports. This is the unfortunate consequence of an otherwise beautiful phenomenon, but it must be addressed regardless.

One thing is for certain; competition does not need to devolve into a negative way of scoundrels and devilmen. Quiet the contrary, sporting is an important park of the buckaroo agenda.

This is where my official Guide to Sport comes it. It is my hope that readers will use this volume to educate themselves on the wide world of sports and athletics. Once a fan understands the reality of healthy, responsible sporting, they will begin to place honor over aggression, keeping the anger on the field where it belongs.

When I was a young man, I didnt have many options as far as sports were concerned. Homeschooled my entire life, the town that I grew up in was completely void of any other people my age. In fact, it was completely void of anyone besides my mother and father. While my dad did end up showing me how to throw around the ball a couple of times, the athleticism that I could have possibly cultivated was never given a chance to blossom.

Now that Im older, watching all of the handsome men and beautiful woman on television as they participate in incredible sporting feats, I cant help but think back and wonder if things could have gone differently had I been encouraged a little more.

This is another reason for writing the guide before you, to help the young and the old understand sporting events that they may not have any access to otherwise.

THE BIG LEAGUES

In the United States, most sports are broken up into three leagues: major, minor, and young bucks.

Young bucks is the only level that most of us reach as far as our own sporting careers go, and as I mentioned earlier about my upbringing, some of us dont even get that far. The young buck leagues are common in schools and at parks, but are generally very low stakes games played for bragging rights or, sometimes, small plastic trophies to be exchanged for pizza at participating restaurants.

It is not uncommon to see a winning team of young bucks in the troughs of celebration at a local pizza place, enjoying themselves in the VIP backrooms while they hoist these trophies high into the air with enthusiastic self-congratulation.

Keep in mind that some of these young sporting bucks are in a state of competitive rage after winning the big game and, while I dont condone the type of behavior they might exhibit, I would be remiss to pretend that it wasnt something to consider. If there are arcade games available at the restaurant where one of these celebratory parties is taking place, steer clear. There is a good chance you will be made fun of.

Minor leagues are the next step up from the games of young bucks. These leagues consist of teams who are not quite large enough to be on television or sign with large corporate sponsors, but are well know within their own small towns to support a modest gathering of fans when they play. Sometimes colleges sponsor minor league teams, allowing them to compete in the campus gym as long as the most handsome members of the team promise to work out there during their downtime. Typically, these players become the officially sanctioned big man on campus, which can be controversial because they do not technically attend classes, only spend time in the gym.

If they happen to be particularly lucky, a handful of minor league players will be picked to join the major leagues based on athletic prowess, playful charm, and a multiple choice test on sportsmanship.

This brings us to the top.

The major leagues are the pinnacle of sporting achievement in America, where athletes are paid massive amounts of money to perform, and fame is a common perk of the job. At this level, endorsements are all but guaranteed. Many athletes are even able to spin their high profile sporting position off into a second career of acting or shoe modeling.

In this section, I will cover all seven of the major league sports played in the United States, discussing the rules of the game as well as notable players from every sport.

BASKETBALL

BEST PLAYERS: Dinosaur

BEST TEAM: Devilcity Lakes

Basketball is a fast paced sport with minimal downtime and very high scores. Because of the astronomically large amount of points to keep track of, some of the worlds best mathematicians are called upon to referee basketball games, using their exceptional intelligence to keep track of fouls, individual points, and playful winks between athletes.

The game is played between two teams of exceptionally tall, handsome men, five on each side, who are attempting to get the basketball into the opposing teams basket. It seems simple enough, but what makes the game of basketball especially difficult is the fact that you must dribble the ball when you move anywhere on the court.

Dribbling means that you are keeping the ball in motion with your hand, bouncing it up and down across the hard wooden court until you finally grab it with both hands once again. From here, you cannot continue to move forward. At this point, the player must either pass the ball to another teammate, or shoot it towards the basket in an attempt to score a point.

Unlike baseball, where one run around the bases is worth a single point, basketball is scored with two and three point baskets. The first basket is simple enough, a normal shot that sends the ball up through the air and down into the hanging net to score. This is worth two points.

Three point shots, however, are much more complicated. To score three points with a shot through the hanging net, a player must pose handsomely, displaying their body for the judgment of the fans and the referees. Since the players are typically quiet hot-to-trot already, this seems easy enough on the surface, but when you consider how much longer it takes to strike a pose before a shot, you will begin to understand just how much of a risk this can be during a heated game.

If the crowd likes what they see they will burst into a cheer, loudly encouraging the player to make his three point attempt. However, if they boo and hiss, the shot will only count for the original two points.

This rule has caused many of the best three point players to take shots from farther and farther away from the basket, allowing them to add even more of a flourish to their handsome poses. Sometimes the players will even shoot from as far away as the half court line, lifting their arms up into the air in the statuesque position of a regal swan.