Tingle - Pokebutt Go: Pounded By Em All

POKEBUTT GO

Pounded By Em All

By Chuck Tingle

The walk home from work is unusual tonight, in a way that has me slightly on edge. Typically, Ill begin my trek around sunset and arrive at my apartment just as the sun has dipped below the horizon, and during this time I rarely notice a single soul. Even though I pass right by the city park, its too late for people to be out enjoying the weather or playing on the playground. These are peaceful hours where the majority of folks are already at home, sitting around the dinner table.

Tonight, however, something else is going on.

I notice the first one right as I leave the office. Im walking out from the parking garage as someone else is headed in, someone who Ive never seen before but seems to have somewhere important to be. It would be one thing if this was simply a new face, but their actions are even more bizarre than their unexpected appearance. Without a word, the college-aged young man walks over to the corner of the cement parking structure, his phone held out in front of him as he watches the screen intently. It looks as though hes going to take a picture of the wall, but instead he slides his finger a few times across the screen, celebrates briefly, then turns and leaves just as quickly as he came.

I think to ask what hes doing, but I dont get the chance to inquire as the guy is clearly still on a mission, taking off down the street without a word.

I shrug to myself, blowing the whole thing off as something that Ill just never truly understand, then continue to walk.

The evening air feels good against my skin, a welcome relief after a long and exhausting day at the office. Its so refreshing that I dont even notice how close the woman approaching me is until its too late.

Whoa! I suddenly shout, jumping out of the way as she rams my shoulder. The woman looks up briefly and offers a meek apology, but continues onward without hesitation. She has her phone held out in front of her just like that last strange wanderer that I had encountered back at the parking garage.

I left out a long sigh, shaking my head in confusion. By now Ive reached the park, and as I look out across the grassy field before me I see two or three others wandering back and forth, their glowing phones held at arms length. It seems as though they are looking for something, but I cant even imagine what it could possibly be.

The curiosity is finally just to heavy to ignore, and then next thing I know I am sprinting across the street and heading off into the park to find out whats going on once and for all. All the while, I cant help feel a little nervous about my approach. Im not one to jump to any conclusions, but this whole thing reminds me of the beginning of a terrifying zombie film.

Hello? I call out, walking across the grass towards one of the searchers.

Immediately, the older woman turns and starts walking away from me, not in avoidance but in complete distraction. Shes so buried in her phone that she barely even notices Im here. Shes too fast.

I turn to one of the other wanderers and try for a second approach. Hey, hows it going?

Unlike the others, this man actually looks up at me and smiles.

Im sorry, I dont mean to interrupt, I tell him. I was just curious what all of you are doing on your phones.

The man shakes his head with disappointment, not at me but at the malfunctioning device in his hands. Im not doing anything with my phone right now! he exclaims. Too many people on the damn network!

Okay, I continue, but if the network was working then what would you be doing?

Playing Pokebutt Go! he exclaims, his words smothered with a hint of confusion. You dont play Pokebutt Go?

I dont know what that is, I tell him. Is that a game?

Its a way of life! the man counters. Theres a Buttmander somewhere in this park and I need to get pounded by it!

Get pounded by it? I question.

In the butt! the man yells, then suddenly smiles wide as his screen lights up with an icon of some sort. Im back in! Theres Buttmander!

Suddenly, hes off and running across the grass in search of a pound, leaving me completely dumbfounded with more questions now than when I started. Soon enough, the entire park has cleared out. Whatever they were looking for has clearly been found.

I continue on my way and notice quite a few more people buried in their phones, but at this point I just ignore them. Everything about tonight is just too weird and frustrating. At this point, Id like to get on with my life and live in a world where a zombie attack of some kind didnt seem eerily eminent.

I finally arrive at my apartment and head inside, riding the elevator up to the third floor and unlocking my door, while the guy down the hall strolls by with his eyes glues to his phone.

Buttstoid is over here! the man lets me know.

Okay, cool, is all that I can think to offer.

A wave of relief washes over me when I finally close the door of my apartment behind me, completely secluded and safe from the outside world. I cant wait to wake up tomorrow morning and find that everything has gone back to normal. Sure, people will still be obsessed with their smart phones, but hopefully it will be in a way that I can understand.

I crawl into bed and flip on the nearby television, happy to relax my brain for a while with some reality show trash. I let out a long sigh. This is great.

For some reason, however, Im having an incredibly hard time focusing on the show. Instead, my attention keeps on returning to my phone, the tiny technological rectangle sitting motionless on the bedside table next to me.

What could possibly be so intoxicating about this Pokebutt Go game?

The answer eludes me, especially when I start to think about the wide range of characters that I had seen playing tonight. Young and old alike, everyone seems to be into Pokebutt.

Finally, I just can contain myself. I roll over and grab my phone, sitting up in bed and scrolling along until I find a place to download Pokebutt.

Lets see what all the fuss is about, I say aloud.

The program finishes downloading and I open it, immediately greeted by a colorful loading screen.

Welcome to Pokebutt Go! an excited electronic voice announces. Are you ready to get pounded?

Im not sure, I reply. What do I need to do?

Follow the map to find your first Pokebutt, then capture it with your balls, explains the game.

Follow the map? I continue. Like with my finger on the screen?

Of course not! replies the game. In real life! With your legs!
A map suddenly appears on my phone, displaying a network of city streets that I immediately recognize as my own neighborhood. A few blocks away I can see the icon of a small, yellow monster floating.

Is that back at the park? I ask.

Yes, the game replies, matter of factly.

Not knowing what else to do, I climb out of bed and put on some clothes, holding my phone out in front of me and watching the world through my front facing camera. I walk back over to my door and head out, then take the elevator back downstairs.

Soon enough, I find myself strolling back towards the park where I had just been not long ago. A pass another man walking the opposite direction and, for the first time, the sight doesnt confuse me at all. I know exactly what hes doing, and I completely understand the intoxicating pull.

Once at the park, I look through the camera of my phone to see if I can spot anything unusual about my surroundings. Thats how the game works at least, thats what I thought, until I look over my screen and notice a massive yellow creature without the aid of any mobile technology.

Honestly, I cant believe my eyes, but as they adjust to the dim light I slowly but surely find that my senses have not betrayed me.

What do I do now? I quietly ask the game.