Tom Sainsbury - New Zealanders: The Field Guide

To my father, Ross, a real people watcher...

Hi guys! My name is Tom Sainsbury and I am very excited to meet you... through this book.

Youre probably thinking, Who the hell is Tom Sainsbury? And why the hell am I reading this? Well, those are fair questions. I guess I should do a little introduction.

So, Im Tom Sainsbury. Ive spent a lifetime in this beautiful country we call New Zealand. Or Aotearoa. Ive spent a lifetime watching the people that populate this fair nation. Boy are there some wonderful characters out there and Im obsessed with them all.

I consider myself a scientist at heart. There was one stage when I would start statements with Well, as a scientist I deduce... And the people I would be arguing with would say, Youre not a scientist, Tom. Watching a dozen BBC nature documentaries and having fun with static electricity does not a scientist make.

To those naysayers I say, As I scientist, I disagree with you.

Now, as a scientist, an observation I made pretty early on is that there are a limited number of personalities in the world. There are billions of people out there, doing whatever it is they are doing, but there are not billions of personalities to share amongst everyone. It is my opinion that there are people out there who behave very similarly to other people, even though they are not genetically linked. Am I making any sense? I feel maybe Im confusing even myself.

Put it this way, I first noticed this phenomenon when I was 12. There was a girl at my intermediate school who wore heavy eye make-up, spoke in a husky voice, was always laughing and smoked. Lets call her Joanna, even though her name was actually Kristy.

God, Ive just gone and ruined the anonymity of it all. Sorry, Kristy. From now on Im going to be using fake names and sticking to them because otherwise Ill probably get into trouble with some of my nearest and dearest later in the book.

But anyway, Joanna... so, I knew Joanna quite well. She gave me my first smoke and I hated it. She laughed when I called marijuana mak instead of the colloquial dak throughout an entire conversation. She was very, very good at school and she loved corned beef.

During that year, the best science fair projects from our school were chosen to go to a regional science fair in the next town over. Mine was included see, I told you I was a scientist. As a result, I visited another school (Morrinsville Intermediate) where I met someone well call Joanna 2. This girl behaved exactly the same as Joanna 1. She wore heavy eye make-up, spoke in a wry, husky voice, laughed a lot and smoked. She looked the same as Joanna 1. But that wasnt important. What was important was how she behaved.

I made sure I hung out with Joanna 2 at lunchtime, in the smoking corner of the field, and asked her some very unusual questions. What I was doing was finding out just how similar she was to my friend Joanna 1, and I deduced that she was very, very similar. In my mind, I grouped them together as the Very Smart Smoking Girls Who Love Horror Films And Jokes About Periods.

After the Joanna 2 episode, I started noticing more patterns. The woman who worked at the greengrocers was boisterous and chatty, just like my aunty. The men my father used to yarn with at the local farming supply store were cookie-cutter versions of each other. They all spoke with a similar monotone and would mumble jokes under their breath. At school there was the First Fifteen Rugby Captain who was dating the Netball A-Team Captain. Then the following year would come along, bringing with it the next generation of First Fifteen Rugby Captain dating the Netball A-Team Captain. And you could barely tell these couples apart year after year.

Do people simply fall into stereotypes because its easy? Or do given circumstances lead them to behave in a similar way? Or are there, like I first thought, a limited number of personalities to share amongst ourselves?

That leads me to question whether it is a terrible thing to group people into personality types like Ive been doing. Or is this just a sort of shorthand that we, as a society, have all bought into? Does it just make things easier? Ah, you might say, that woman has a very specific haircut that has a longer fringe with a shaggy, short behind. From this, can we assume shell want to speak to the manager when she doesnt get her way? Or is that just limiting her in our minds? Is this kind of thinking, this kind of stereotyping, limiting our potential connection with other people? Its an interesting thing to consider, but I dont know the answers.

What I do know is Im fascinated by these stereotypes and have spent many years mimicking specific people, filming the results and putting the videos onto social media platforms for the public to see. To add value, I use various cheap nylon wigs and sweatshop-produced costumes that I buy from Kmart for under $10.

What I find most amazing is when a random stranger watching the video comments: Oh my god, this woman is exactly like my mother, or This is my dad to a T, or Graham, does this remind you of Granny?

This always makes me feel like Ive done my job properly. It makes me feel like Ive captured the human condition in a tiny two-minute video. In saying that, watching back some of my older videos I think, My god, two minutes can be so long. Boring Tom! Why did you make this video so long? Hurry up and get to the point.

Anyway, anyway, anyway... in the following pages Ive collated all the character groups Ive observed over the years. Theyve been bunched into the various habitats in which you might find them, a bit like some sort of encyclopaedia of animal species.

I hope you recognise some of them and whisper to yourself, Oh my god, this woman is exactly like my mother, or This is my dad to a T, or Graham, you need to read this book because the character description of Irritable Dad is basically you, and you need to address some of your issues around that.

In any case, I present to you New Zealanders: The Field Guide. I hope you bloody enjoy it.

Lets meet our first collection of wonderful characters. For this, well be delving into where the majority of New Zealanders live out their lives. Its where they eat, sleep, party, booze, have shouting matches, hide in their bedrooms, visit the mall, go to the hair salon, judge their neighbours, live out their various fantasies, fastidiously clean their surroundings, or live in squalor. Thats right, were heading into deep suburbia. From Christchurchs Riccarton to Chartwell in Hamilton, lets meet some good Kiwi folk in their natural environment!

Lets start with one of my favourites. Youll see them at weddings, youll see them at bars and pubs, youll see them at work functions. Theyre The Drinking Mum. They just love wine, but theyll drink beer too. Basically, theyll drink anything, but wine does hold a particular appeal for them. It doesnt necessarily have to be a classy wine. Chardonnay is usually a goer.

They love having wines on the back deck as a collective of kids play cricket on the lawn. Theyre the kind of women who see going to the races as an opportunity to dress up and drink with their gals or significant other.

They like wearing tight jeans if they can get away with it. Actually, even the heavier Drinking Mums wear tight jeans. They even wear tight jeans to special events. Their tops wont be tight, though. Theyll be loose, especially around the upper arms. Theyll also wear a thin gold chain and bracelet, and theyll have multiple rings on. They like a good wedge heel. On special occasions theyll wear high heels but, god, they love a good wedge and French-tipped toenails.