Maxime Valette - F My Life

It all started in a chat room. A few buddies in France got into the habit of telling each other the crappy things that had happened to them that daywhat made their day completely suck. The forum then became a blog in January 2008, and we named it Vie de Merde (Shitty Life). As interest in these stories began to reach a wider audience, the website grew and grew, and we just knew we had to welcome the entire English language aboard our mission. Fmylife.com soon had visitors from all around the globe. Quickly we realized something very interesting: that the same kind of shitty events occur all over the world, every day, to all sorts of people. There is a kind of solidarity among all countries when it comes to misfortune. We are all in a big, international pile of crap. We are in it together, the one sad worldwide universality in life.

We can definitely say that it is all Maximes fault. He started all this by messing around on the Web, coming up with the concept and then the French website. Guillaume later joined him to help out, and after a while they asked Didier to take part in the F My Life adventure. This is how the whole thing started and continues to carry on.

Wed like to thank the literally thousands and thousands of people who had the requisite sense of humor and self-deprecation to send us their tales of troubles and strife. Its become a gold mine of crap and embarrassment, and its amazing. But working in a mine, you have to push that little bit harder to extract the real gems, which is now our full-time job. Of course, the joy of finding a new story that makes us smile or laugh is still fresh for all of us. This is gold, people! Keep it up!

Enjoy!

Embarrassment, rejection, getting unceremoniously dumpedsome of us are used to such occurrences by now and have nearly turned them into a new art form. In small doses, shame can be a good thing; it teaches us to be humble and provides an instant cure for arrogance. If those who have survived the worst are able to tell their story, it means theyre still standing. (Sort of.) Which just goes to show that self-mockery might be one of the worlds most useful survival instincts.

Today, thinking I was being very generous, I lent my jacket to my new co-worker. Maybe I should have checked my pockets first. Im not sure that having three different flavors of condoms made a good impression. FML

Today I was at work at the grocery store, and a woman pulled a cart toward me filled with chips, breads, lunch meats, and sodas. I said to her, Looks like youre going to have a fun party! She looked back at me and said, My mother just died. This is for after the funeral. FML

Today I ate at a friends house. When she left the table for a few minutes, her five-year-old son looked at me and said quietly, Youre ugly! When my friend came back, I told her what had happened. She scolded him briefly, and then the boy began to cry, shouting, But she isnt pretty! FML

Today my boyfriend was lying on top of me and looking at me with passion in his eyes. I thought he was finally going to tell me he loved me. But instead he said, You have a booger. FML

Today Im in Spain. In Spanish, I told my students that I was excited to be working with them. However, the form of the word for excitement that I used apparently refers to sexual excitement. So I actually told the kids I was sexually aroused to be working with them. FML

Today while I was out having a drink with a pretty girl, she looked at my crotch and said with a smile, Theres something burning down there. I smiled back, but she was insistent. Cigarette ashes had set my trousers on fire. FML

Today when I woke up, my husband was already out of bed. Thinking I was hearing him padding by in the hall, I shouted, Get that cock in here right now! A voice replied, Hes gone out to get some bread. It was my mother-in-law. FML

Today I put my hand up in class. I forgot that I hadnt shaved my armpits. FML

Today a child sitting next to me on the bus pointed at me and asked, Mommy, if its not a man and its not a woman, what is it then? FML

Today I had a job interview at a restaurant that was opening up. One manager asked me why I should be hired. I said I was more efficient than most people. When the interview was over, I left to find that Id locked my keys in the car. It took all the managers to help me get my keys out. FML

Today I decided to practice putting a condom on with my mouth. My roommate walked in on me while I was using my mouth to roll a condom onto a banana. FML

Today I had the first meeting with my new bosses. We went to a restaurant for lunch. I choked on a piece of meat and couldnt breathe. I had to take that piece of meat out of my throat with my fingers and then put it back on my plate all chewed up. FML

Today I played in a tennis tournament. After winning, I went to shake my opponents hand. He didnt react or move. It was only the first set. FML

Today I was walking through Borders bookstore with my girlfriend when we passed a stand selling Girl Scout cookies. I saw a box of Samoas, my favorite, so I pointed to them and shouted, YEAH! My girlfriend looked shocked. Behind the box of cookies was a nine-year-old scout bending over, with her bottom pointed at me. FML

Today I had an important appointment for a potential job. During the interview, my cell phone rang. My ringtone is the theme song fromInspector Gadget.FML

Today I made love to my girlfriend. I penetrated her for a while, then stopped to get my breath back. She carried on moaning, even though Id stopped moving. FML

Today I went to a plastic surgeons office with a friend. The doctor walked in, and before he could look at the chart, he started explaining the liposuction procedure to me. I had to interrupt him to tell him that I was only there to support my friend who was getting a nose job. FML

Today I dressed in my sexiest clothes (Gucci and Prada, worth a real fortune) to meet my new boyfriend at a restaurant. As I was a bit early, I took the opportunity to smoke a cigarette outside in front of the door while I was waiting. The restaurant owner came out and said, Hey, you! Go and work somewhere else, please. FML

Today, to amuse my girlfriend, I put on her sexy nightshirt and went out on the balcony for a smoke, wriggling about in front of her window. She laughed, until one of her neighbors shouted Hello! from the upper floor, grinning at the show. FML

Today, at a rehearsal, a friend poked me and said, My mother is in the orchestra. Guess who she is! I jokingly answered, Umm the fat singer? It was. FML

Today, in the supermarket, everybody was staring at me. After ten minutes, I realized that my umbrella was still open. FML