Baker - The Funniest Cop Stories Ever

THE
FUNNIEST
COP
STORIES EVER

THE FUNNIEST COP STORIES EVER

Copyright 2006 by Scott Baker and Tom Philbin. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of reprints in the context of reviews. For information, write Andrews McMeel Publishing, LLC, an Andrews McMeel Universal company, 1130 Walnut Street, Kansas City, MO 64106.

E-ISBN: 978-1-4494-1259-3

Library of Congress Control Number: 2006923315
www.andrewsmcmeel.com

Cover design by John Turnbull

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T hanks to Scott, a warm, sensitive, caring guy who also happens to be very funny, a great storyteller. I will always cherish those Sundays in Borders as we brought this wonderful (I think it is!) book to life and tittered, cackled, and howled and drank coffee that I always manipulated you into paying for.

Much thanks to Dina for getting us together, and thanks to Chris Schillig for her sensitive and insightful editing of the book.

Finally, thanks to Brokejaw, one of the people in this book. Existence of guys like you makes books like this possible.

Tom Philbin

T o my father, who was the most dynamic storyteller I ever knew. To my mother, who always encouraged my humor. Also to my good friend, Justin Doyle: I should have been there for you more than I was; thank you for your forgiveness.

Scott Baker

I would like to thank my dear friend Dina Masella-Frechen. Without her belief in me and her introduction to my coauthor, Tom Philbin, none of this would have been possible. While we are on the subject, I would also like to thank Tom Philbin, who was so much more than a coauthor to me on this project. He has been a true friendI only wish I could have met him earlier in my life. I truly enjoyed getting together to discuss these stories with him and being forced to buy him his coffee; I will miss it. I would also like to give a very sincere thanks to my publisher, Andrews McMeel, and my editor, Christine Schillig. You took a chance on me and believed in this project, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Most of all I would like to thank all the police officers I have worked with, Ed Polstein and the NYPD Rant, and all the officers from all over the country who have contributed stories to this book. I had so much fun reliving some of these tales and appreciate you sharing them with me. It is special people like you that have the strength to find humor while putting your own lives on the line and protecting the lives of others. Thank you all.

Scott Baker

W hen I was a cop with the NYPD, I saw so many funny things happen on the street that I thought that one day I would collect and write them in a book. This is the final result. For several years I went around interviewing cops from all over the country, and I found that the stories in Baltimore, LA, and everywhere else were as funny as any in New York. Nothing quite prepares you for what you see on the street once you become a cop. It is one of the most dangerous jobs, but also the most fun as well. One minute you are shot at; the next you are convincing a woman that there are no people from outer space after her. In what other profession will you find yourself chasing a midget in a tuxedo down a fire escape? Cops meet some of the zaniest, wildest, craziest characters that ever walked the face of the earth. The things a cop sees in his career could not be made up by the most creative Hollywood writers. Add to that the fact that these grown men have the mentality of college frat brothers and you have some of the funniest stories that ever happened. One cop described it as going to high school with legal guns.

These stories are all true, and told in their own words with some editing by the cops who experienced them or heard them from other cops and retold them.

Cops are notoriously private people except when theyre talking to other copsthe brotherhood of blue is strongso I quickly assured them that no real names would be used and that no specific information would be provided that would allow even the most dogged investigator to determine who was telling the stories. Though funny, the unauthorized actions that cops took in some of these incidents might jeopardize their jobs. Ordinary cops love to laughit vents the pressure theyre constantly underbut in general the brass approaches cop work with a stern and rigid interpretation of what a cop can or cant do. They often turn molehills into mountains in determining a cops fate. Because the cops knew that they could not be identified, they spoke freely with no holds barred, and that led them to tell some very funny stories.

The enormous stress of a cops job results in very unfunny 50 percent divorce and alcoholism rates. Many have developed a taste, as it were, for salty languageblue language, if you will. Most of that has been edited out because some people find it offensive, but excising curse words or obscenities doesnt affect the humor of the stories. In some cases the word [bleep] or [bleeping] has been substituted for curses because they are an integral part of the story; to use bland language would dilute the effect.

The stories have a single goal: to make readers titter, cackle, howl, and chortle as well as laugh their [bleeps] off. And believe me, you will. I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I enjoyed living them and collecting them. Remember, the stories are all true. Only the names have been changed to protect the insane.

Scott Baker

M y partner and I go to an aided case (a person in need of medical assistance) on the north side of the expressway where a very old man is sitting in a lawn chair. He looks pale and weak. There are a few neighbors around, so I talk with one lady. Whats the problem?

She tells me its a very sad story. His name is Norman Rosenthal, and his wife passed away six or seven months ago. Hes got diabetes and doesnt take care of himself, and every once in a while he passes out. Thats what he did today. So they helped him into the lawn chair and called us.

So I go up to him and say, Whats the matter, Mr. Rosenthal?

He answers in a thick Jewish accent, Ah, Im fine. Dont worry about me. Leave me alone already.

Mr. Rosenthal, we called the paramedics and theyre going to come here and check you out a little. But can I ask you something, did you eat today?