Tracy Beckerman - Lost in Suburbia: A Memoir of How I Got Pregnant, Lost Myself, and Got My Cool Back in the New Jersey Suburbs

Praise for

Lost in Suburbia

Reading Lost in Suburbia, locked in my bathroom all alone, I laughed, I cried (from laughing), and then I laughed some more. When youre feeling overwhelmed by the maddening, mind-numbing demands of motherhood, get lost in suburbia. Youll be so glad you did.

Jenna McCarthy, author of If It Was Easy, Theyd Call the Whole Damn Thing a Honeymoon and The Parent Trip

Lost in Suburbia had me snorting with laughter throughout. Its painfully relatable and simply hilarious. If youve ever looked at your suburban life with kids and wondered how the hell you got there, this book is for you.

Jill Smokler, New York Times bestselling author of Confessions of a Scary Mommy

I love this woman.

Jenny Lawson, aka The Bloggess, author of New York Times bestseller Lets Pretend This Never Happened

Beckermans effervescent, irreverent humor is peppered with heartfelt poignancy in this most relatable memoir about motherhood and rediscovering your bad-mom self.

Jenny Gardiner, author of the Kindle bestsellers Slim to None and Sleeping with Ward Cleaver

Lost in Suburbia is packed with the funniest truths and palmetto bug fears. When you put it down to drive the carpool, youll miss your new best friend.

Gwendolen Gross, author of When She Was Gone and the bestselling novel The Orphan Sister

Beckerman is the girlfriend you wish you had when you were expecting and the cool mom you stalk at Mommy and Me. Her stories of new motherhood are completely relatable, funny, and heart wrenching.

Lela Davidson, author of Blacklisted from the PTA and Who Peed on My Yoga Mat?

I am a man and I am not in touch with my feminine side because I dont have a feminine side. So when I tell you that Lost in Suburbia made me laugh, its because its really, really funny. Theres stuff for guys in here... I swear on my high testosterone levels!

W. Bruce Cameron, author of the New York Times bestsellers A Dogs Purpose, A Dogs Journey, and 8 Simple Rules for Dating My Teenage Daughter

Lost in Suburbia offers witty solace to every woman who has swapped high heels for high chairs and wondered if shed ever get her mojo back.

Celia Rivenbark, author of the New York Times bestsellers You Dont Sweat Much for a Fat Girl and Stop Dressing Your Six-Year-Old Like a Skank

Tracy Beckermans writing is clever, funny, and always relatable. Youll read this book and wish she lived next door!

Robin OBryant, author of Ketchup Is a Vegetable and Other Lies Moms Tell Themselves

I knew I loved Tracy Beckerman as soon as I read she told her mother that she named her newborn son after George Foreman in honor of his amazing sandwich grill. Tracy is hilarious, a bit biting, and not afraid as she should be that her mother still may hit her.

Laurie Notaro, New York Times bestselling author of The Idiot Girls Action-Adventure Club, It Looked Different on the Model, and We Thought You Would Be Prettier

Tracy Beckerman writes with an enticing and entertaining combination of great wit and wild abandon. If a Jewish gal and a Southern redneck with a college degree could somehow be birthed from the same uterus, I would want her for my sister! If you love hilarious writing and women who are unafraid to say it all, this book more than delivers.

Susan Reinhardt, author of Chimes from a Cracked Southern Belle, Not Tonight, Honey: Wait Til Im a Size 6, and Dishing with the Kitchen Virgin

L ost in S uburbia

How I Got Pregnant, Lost Myself, and Got My Cool Back in the New Jersey Suburbs

Tracy Beckerman

A Perigee Book

A PERIGEE BOOK

Published by the Penguin Group

Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, USA

USA / Canada / UK / Ireland / Australia / New Zealand / India / South Africa / China

Penguin Books Ltd., Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

For more information about the Penguin Group, visit penguin.com.

Copyright 2013 by Tracy Beckerman

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the authors rights. Purchase only authorized editions.

PERIGEE is a registered trademark of Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

The P design is a trademark belonging to Penguin Group (USA) Inc.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data

Beckerman, Tracy.

Lost in suburbia : how I got pregnant, lost myself, and got my cool back in the New Jersey suburbs / Tracy Beckerman. First edition.

pages cm

eBook ISBN 978-1-101-62223-0

1. Beckerman, Tracy. 2. MothersNew JerseyBiography. 3. MotherhoodNew JerseyHumor. 4. Suburban lifeNew JerseyHumor. I. Title.

HQ759.B275A3 2013

306.874'309749dc23 2012043699

First edition: April 2013

Text design by Laura K. Corless

This book describes the real experiences of real people. The author has disguised the identities of some, and in some instances created composite characters, but none of these changes has affected the truthfulness and accuracy of her story. Penguin is committed to publishing works of quality and integrity. In that spirit, we are proud to offer this book to our readers; however, the story, the experiences, and the words are the authors alone.

While the author has made every effort to provide accurate telephone numbers, Internet addresses, and other contact information at the time of publication, neither the publisher nor the author assumes any responsibility for errors, or for changes that occur after publication. Further, the publisher does not have any control over and does not assume any responsibility for author or third-party websites or their content.

Most Perigee books are available at special quantity discounts for bulk purchases for sales promotions, premiums, fund-raising, or educational use. Special books, or book excerpts, can also be created to fit specific needs. For details, write: Special Markets, Penguin Group (USA) Inc., 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014.

For Mom and Dad

who love me all the way up to the sky

Authors Note

This momoir is considered nonfiction and I have done my best to re-create the events in this story to the best of my memory without the slightest embellishment or enhancement of the events or conversations that took place. And if you believe that, then clearly you have never read my humor column.

Additionally, all the people in this story are real, although most of the names have been changed and many of the characters have been combined to keep me out of trouble. If you recognize yourself in here, its probably not you, unless you were mean to me, and then it probably is you. Thats called payback, baby!