Ilene Beckerman - Makeovers at the Beauty Counter of Happiness

Contents

ALSO BY ILENE BECKERMAN

Love, Loss, and What I Wore
What We Do for Love
Mother of the Bride

ILENE BECKERMAN

Algonquin Books of Chapel Hill

Published by
ALGONQUIN BOOKS OF CHAPEL HILL
Post Office Box 2225
Chapel Hill, North Carolina 275152225

a division of
WORKMAN PUBLISHING
225 Varick Street
New York, New York 10014

2005 by Ilene Beckerman. All rights reserved.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.

E-book ISBN 978-1-56512-773-9

Authors note: I changed the names of some of my characters. Unfortunately, I couldnt change my own name.

MAKEOVERS AT THE BEAUTY COUNTER OF HAPPINESS

1958. The movie is Vertigo. Kim Novak asks Jimmy Stewart, Couldnt you like me just the way I am?

2001. The movie is Bridget Joness Diary. Rene Zellweger asks Hugh Grant, Cant you just like me the way that I am?

A lot of things have changed since 1958. Some things never change.

I have six granddaughters. Theyre all beautiful. They dont think so. One doesnt like her nose, one thinks her stomach isnt flat enough, one thinks her hair is too flat. The list goes on.

The only one who doesnt complain about her looks is the baby. She hasnt learned to yet. Shes two.

I can identify with my granddaughters. I started a list of things that were wrong with me a long time ago. And I kept adding to it.

During my life, Ive spent thousands of hours and thousands of dollars on my hair, my makeup, and my clothes, trying to look prettier because I grew up believing that pretty girls had happier lives.

Id be a lot happier now if I had that time and that money back.

Dear Mother Teresa,

I have always been a fan of yours. If only I had used the time Ive spent pursuing the beauty secrets of movie stars, supermodels, Jacqueline Kennedy, and Audrey Hepburn more wisely, I might have become more like you or Sandra Day OConnor.
I just wish one of you had had Audrey Hepburns wardrobe.
Your fan,
Ilene

I didnt send the letter. I write a lot of letters I dont send.

I wrote this letter to my granddaughter Olivia on her eleventh birthday. I didnt send it either.

Dear Olivia,

When I was your age, I worried a lot about the way I looked. It wasnt until I got a lot older that I realized that Barbra Streisands nose didnt get in the way of her becoming a superstar.
I hope you dont have to wait as long as I did to know nobodys perfect.

A million hugs and xxxxxxxs,
Grandma
P.S. If you dont know who Barbra Streisand is, ask your mother.

Soon after Olivias eleventh birthday, I received a letter in the mail that made me remember myself at her age.

It was an invitation to my elementary-school class reunion.

Youre Invited
Hunter Elementary School Class of 1947
REUNION
Remember the joys and sorrows of being eleven? Please come to a memory mixer and special event.
Weve contacted most of our classmates from Lexington Avenue to Pacific Palisades and have had an enthusiastic response.

It went on to give the date, time, and placeat the home of a girl who had never invited me to her birthday parties.

All the feelings of insecurity I had when I was Olivias age came back to me when I read the invitation. I may not remember where I put my glasses five minutes ago, but I remember vividly how painfully shy I once was.

Dear Sofia Coppola,

You remind me of my dentists daughter.I was very happy when you won an Academy Award for Lost in Translation but why did you wear plain black flats to the Oscars? Do you have foot problems?
You were the only person there who looked like they didnt want to be there. Dont worry about your shyness problem. I used to be shy, too.

Your fan,
Ilene

I had some pictures of my classmates in an old cordovan valise I had bought at a garage sale years ago. I was going to fix the handle some day. I dug out the valise and found the pictures.

Im the tall one in the middle of the back row. Patty, on my left, was the pretty one. Ann, second row right, was the smart one. I could name everyone in the picture. I didnt think any of them would remember me.

Not many of my classmates signed my sixth grade autograph book... I was too shy to ask everyone. Most of the inscriptions in my book say Good luck.

Everybody elses book said, To my best friend, or had sayings like

Tulips in the garden,
tulips in the park,
but the tulips I like best
are two lips in the dark.

My class in 1947.

Dear Ann Landers,

I just got an invitation to my elementary-school reunion.
Last time I saw my classmates, I was eleven years old and had freckles. Now Im sixty-five and have liver spots.
My problem is I still hate Tommy Berman because he made fun of me. If I go to the reunion, do I have to talk to him?
Your friend,
Confused, Class of 47

If I go to the reunion? Of course Id go to the reunion. You only get an invitation like this once every fifty years or so.

I wondered whod be at the reunion. How would they look? Would I look as good? What would I wear? Could I lose twenty pounds by June?

Thigh anxiety.

As much as I try to talk myself out of it, my self-esteem seems to decrease as my weight increases.

Once I looked up height and weight charts on the Internet. According to them, I should lose only ten pounds. But when I looked in the mirror, I felt more like Kate Smith than Kate Moss.

Kate Smith

Kate Moss

In elementary school, I was skinny. Then, around my twelfth birthday, that changed, along with a lot of other things.

In junior high, all the popular girls were thin. In high school, all the thin girls got better dates. In college, thin girls got engaged first.

When I got married, I wanted to be thin so Id keep my husband. After a while, I didnt care so much about being thin.

After the divorce, I wanted to be thin so I could get another husband.

Now I wanted to be thin for the reunion. Youd think by now Id know betteror give up trying.

Some women wear their fat clothes when they cant fit into a size 6. I wear my fat clothes when I cant fit into a size 14.

Does this make me look fat?

Research shows that pretty babies are picked up first.

I daydreamed about being 59, weighing 125 pounds, and walking into the reunion.

Who is that