Michael J. Rosen - Mirth of a Nation: The Best Contemporary Humor

The Best Contemporary Humor

Edited by
MICHAEL J. ROSEN

The Thurber Biennial of American Humor welcomes submissions. Some guidelines are as follows. GENERALLY: All submissions should be typed, double-spaced, and printed on paper. This paper should be recycled paper, manufactured from at least 80 percent recycled post-consumer recycled fiber. If your submission is printed on unrecycled paper, it will be thrown out. WHITENESS OF PAPER: The paper used should be as white as possible. If the paper is not as white as The Thurber House believes it could be, you may be asked to resubmit your manuscript, on paper that is whiter. MARGINS: On all pages, margins should be one inch, on all sides, with the exception of the top margin, which should be one and one-half inch. However, if the submission is over eleven pages, the margins should increase by one quarter inch for every additional page. If the submission is over eleven pages, the submission should be shortened, for no submissions should be over eleven pages. TABS: Tabs should be between one quarter of an inch and one third of an inch deep. One third of an inch is preferred. If for whatever reason your tabs are not between one quarter and one third of an inch, please write to The Thurber House for a copy of Form 56G, on which you can explain your deviance from the tab-depth norm, and make clear exactly why you are engorging yourself on our free time simply to scribble mindlessly, meekly justifying your indulging of your unfortunate tab-making proclivities. In the unlikely event that your alternative tabbing is approved, you will then be asked to adjust your manuscript so that it is then not double-spaced, but single-spaced, and printed on paper that is less white. If, however, your manuscript is over eight pages, and has tabs less than one quarter inch, please increase your margins by one third of an inch, and place your page numbers on the left sides of the page, as opposed to the bottom. PAGE NUMBERS: Please place page numbers at the top of the page, unless your submission is over eight pages, in which case page numbers should be at the bottom, unless the margins are less than one half inch, or the tabs are not more than one quarter inch, in which case page numbers should be on the left-hand side of the page, and rendered in a type size no bigger than 5 point. In a departure from our last submissions guidelines, we now insist that page numbering be sequential. FASTENING AND MAILING: When fastening the pages of your manuscript, do not use staples, and do not use paper clips. Do not fasten the pages of your submission together at all. There is no justifiable reason to pierce the pages together, invading their individual integrity only so that they be made part of some ostensibly greater whole. We reject the notion of bound-together pages, and would greatly prefer you to let your pages stand on their own, albeit in orderly fashion. Simply stack them, neatly, making sure that all corners are precisely in accordance with one another, and then, without carelessly undoing the straightening work you have just finished, insert them in a 9 X 12 whitenot manilaenvelope. Important: When closing the envelope, please do not use your saliva. While the trustees of The Thurber House are passingly interested in viewing your attempts at humor, they are not at all interested, while opening your missive, in running their fingers through your dried oral discharge. ALSO: Before undertaking the typing, straightening, and mailing of your submission, please do us the small favor of washing your hands. Please. It should not be so much to ask for you to simply run your hands under a running faucet, with a little soap. Not much to request, correct? It should only take a secondyou go into the washroom, turn on the water, wash for a minute or two, then you come back. Yes. Yes. We will wait here. We will wait here, whistling softly perhaps, thinking of Maine, the summers clear, warm, the lake, Lake Mittenoka, still, frigid in June but by August Oh there you are. Great. Oh no. That wont do. If you dont mind, would you wash them again? You seem not to have done a thorough job the first time around. Thats right, go on. We will wait here. We are happy to wait, if it means that your hands will be clean. We will be fine, waiting here, in Maine, in the cabin, 4D, with the older boys, the year there was Sharon, the new counselor, with her long, tanned legs Oh good, youre back. Ok, lets see them. Good, good, now lets see the backs. Oh no. No, no. Please. You have not even touched the backs of your hands! You must wash both sides. Oh but you must. We do not care if you think theyre clean. Oh really? Can you see bacteria? Do you have supra-microscopic X-ray vision? Are you some kind of Bacterial Over-Man, unbound by laws of cleanliness, untethered by rules of hygiene and guidelines of decency? Did you come from a planet where the gravity or atmosphere or whatever was different, such that your appearance on this world rendered you capable of not only extraordinary feats of strength but also the ability to be self-cleaning? Well, are you? No. No, we didnt think so. Now go, wash. We will be waiting here, chewing gum and humming quietly. Oh, Sharon! SELF-ADDRESSED STAMPED ENVELOPES: Do not bother enclosing a self-addressed stamped envelope, as the Thurber House will only be contacting you in the highly unlikely event that we find your work at all amusing. So save your envelopes, save your self-addressing, and save your stamp. Self-addressed stamped envelopes erroneously sent to The Thurber House will be angrily disposed of, and your name will be crossed off the list. WHAT LIST? The list, dummy. OH. Yes. Oh. INCLUSION OF WIT AND WHIMSY IN/ON RSUMS: If you are including a resum or curriculum vitae, please be sure to include on it or on your cover letter some hint that you are a funny, offbeat person. Such indications help us. Otherwise, how are we to know? We recommend: in your margins, little cartoons; instead of bold or italic type, offbeat colors; generally, whimsical changes in fonts and font sizes. This way we know that fun is in store, that you know how to shake it up. Also, when writing your cover letter: First, skim the table of contents page of this edition of Mirth of a Nation. Then, pick out one essay. Turn to itits page number will be indicated on said table of contentsand read its title and first paragraph. Then, refer to it casually in the second paragraph of your cover letter, in a way that does not betray your overall (rapacious) ignorance but instead says, Thurber House, I am one with your sort of content and mission, having spent much time and heart devouring your product, the quality and goals of which I care about much, much more than simply the feathering-in-my-cap of my appearing within its hallowed pages. CONTENT: In terms of content, we are glad to say that at The Thurber House, we put no restrictions whatsoever on content, with a few exceptions. We are no longer accepting work related to or making light of humidity. Humidity, we find, is no longer funny. Also, due to an unexpected surplus, the following subject matters are no longer encouraged: boating, Alexander Graham Bell, colonial America in general, and philately. In addition, for reasons that may not be obvious to someone like yourself but which are no less valid simply because you insist on avoiding what should be searingly obvious, please try to avoid touching on World War II, World War I, the Korean War, the Vietnam War, Desert Storm, and the recent conflict in Kosovo. (Grenada, however, is still available for comment.) In a departure urged by The Thurber Houses trustees, work making light of the dentistry profession will not be considered. Farming is also no longer seen as funny. Please also avoid touching on roofing, bricklaying, masonry in general, and mechanical engineering. Vacuuming is not funny. Tiling is not funny. The Hague is not funny. Also not funny are events or people taking place or living in: Africa, Asia, North America, Europe, and Australia. Other subjects best avoided: astronomy, dolphins, movies, toys, animals, families, towns, sports, people, relationships, pets, celebrities, and work. The following subject matters are encouraged, however, as they seem to always yield great humor: 1) funny things the president has done or might soon do; 2) funny things actors and actresses have done or might soon do; 3) funny things religious people have done or might do, given the chance, because they are strange religious types who always seem to do very, very funny things, often while wearing funny, funny, funny outfits. LENGTH: All submissions should be under 1,500 words, unless they need to be longer, in which case they will be accepted at whatever length, provided they are brief (ideally under 1,500 words). IN CLOSING: Thank you for reading and we look forward to reading your work.