Tom Cutler - Slap and Tickle: The Unusual History of Sex and the People Who Have It

Slap and Tickle

Also by Tom Cutler

A Gentlemans Bedside Book
The Gentlemans Instant Genius Guide

Tom Cutler

Constable London

Constable & Robinson Ltd

5556 Russell Square

London WC1B 4HP

www. constablerobinson.com

First published in the UK by Constable,
an imprint of Constable & Robinson Ltd, 2012

Copyright Tom Cutler, 2012

The right Tom Cutler to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by him in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988.

All rights reserved. This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, resold, hired out or otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

A copy of the British Library Cataloguing in
Publication Data is available from the British Library

ISBN: 978-1-78033-611-4 (hardback)
ISBN: 978-1-78033-836-1 (ebook)

Printed and bound in the UK

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To the very dear and well-beloved friend
of my prosperous and evil days

To the friend who, though in the early stages of our acquaintanceship did ofttimes scream and howl at me, has since become to be my most harmonious comrade

To the friend who, however often I may wring his neck, is never (now) discordant in revenge

To the friend
who, marked with coolness by all the female members of my household, and regarded with suspicion by my very cat, nevertheless seems day by day to be more drawn by me, and in return to more and more impregnate me with the resonance of his friendship

To the friend who never tells me of my faults, never wants to borrow money, and never talks about himself

To the companion of my idle hours,
the soother of my sorrows,
the confidant of my joys and hopes

My finest and sweetest guitar,
this little volume is
gratefully and affectionately dedicated.

WITH APOLOGIES TO JEROME K. JEROME

I like my sex the way I play football, one on one with as little dribbling as possible.
LESLIE NIELSEN

Lets keep this short.

Several people who helped me with their true-life stories for this book have, understandably, asked me to camouflage their identities. Others, who didnt care, Ive mentioned in the text. But who else should I thank? My parents, who wish I would grow up? My wife, Marianne, who wishes I would get a proper job? My son, Jed, who thinks I am an old fart? My friends, who wonder why I never call? My barber, Charlie, who creates the look of hair from the twelve remaining strands? My agent, Laura Morris, who looks at me kindly, but askance? My editors, Leo Hollis and Andreas Campomar, who sighed a lot? All the other guys at Constable, who turned my rambling shambles into a book? The tea, the Lagavulin and the toast, which stopped me going bonkers while I wrote? Or those ladies they know who they are who taught me all I know, on the practical side, anyway, about the delightful subject of this book?

No, mainly I thank myself, for my patience, hard work and exquisite good taste, for my hours of research in dusty libraries and my superb interviewing skills. I have found myself so easy to work with, and always such fun; so witty, wise, thoughtful, kind and handsome.

Who do I think I am kidding? Nobody. But if you cant flatter yourself in your own acknowledgements, where can you?

This book is about sex, but it is not a how-to book, it is a cheerful history of the subject. There again, it is not exhaustive, though it may be exhausting because its such a gigantic field. If you dont believe me, try putting the word sex into an internet search engine. You will find that it brings up about 2,830,000,000 (two billion eight hundred and thirty million) results in less than a twentieth of a second. Near the top comes the female deep-sea anglerfish, a monstrously ugly cross between Vincent Price and a huge and hideous screwed-up paper bag. The only job the female anglerfishs tiny husband has in life is to attach himself to her body and dissolve, leaving nothing sticking out but his testicles, a single or rather double doleful reminder that he ever existed at all. Luckily, human sexual relations are more equitable, and it is these with which Slap and Tickle is chiefly concerned.

Here you will find the unusual history of sex in all its variety as practised by various human cultures down the years: the Ancient Egyptians, the Greeks and Romans, the Puritans, the Regency sex maniacs and those hypocritical naughty Victorians. The book goes right up to, and beyond, the Sexual Revolution and the freedom-soaked grooviness of the recent past, before the rise of HIV/AIDS put the kibosh on all that. Stirred into the mix is the science of sex, from the basic biology to what it is that makes us fancy certain people and not others. You can discover why women encourage promiscuity in men, find out all about monkey-gland transplants, read about curious and incredible sexual maladies and, for good measure, learn about Ulysses, the stupendous-sounding, first ever, copulating machine.

Slap and Tickle covers the sexual spectrum from vanilla to fetishistic, looking also at sundry sex aids down the years. There is an investigation of some hilarious front-page sex scandals and a peek at dirty books and filthy language. At the back, for aficionados, you will find some choice unexpurgated excerpts from the decidedly saucy erotica of yesteryear.

The volume is arranged in chapters, and the history is chronological, but you can read it in any order you like without missing anything. In that way it is more like Midsomer Murders than EastEnders. There is a bit of technical vocabulary sprinkled about and a few old-fashioned short words that one is not supposed to shout out in the library, but Im sure you are sophisticated enough not to have an attack of the vapours when you read these terms in context. In case you are puzzled by any of them, there is a brief glossary at the back of the book.

Digging the golden nuggets from the rich seam of sex has been a labour of lust and I was obliged to consult a small mountain of books, some of which you will find mentioned in the Further Reading table. My library researches have been augmented by the stories of various sex-havers, professional and amateur, who kindly answered my questions on the nitty-gritty. Talking to them has been a breath of fresh air. As sex worker Kitty Stryker put it to me, We get so much bullshit in this work I decided Im gonna tell it like it is.

I hope you find it all educational, informative and entertaining. I know I have.

Tom Cutler

Remember, if you smoke after sex
youre doing it too fast.
WOODY ALLEN

Cut into a chalk hillside near the village of Cerne Abbas in Dorset stands the biggest and most famous dirty postcard in Britain, the Cerne Abbas Giant, which was once, but is no longer, supposed to be prehistoric. The figure is a 180-foot naked person (unmistakably male), holding a knobbed club. He is sometimes referred to as the Rude Man because of his stupefying erection, his thing being 120 feet long. His club, I mean. His penis is much smaller though, scaled down, it is equivalent to a 10-incher on your average chap.