Tom Cutler - 211 Things a Bright Boy Can Do

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Table of Contents

This book is dedicated to the memory of Fred Banting and Charles Best, without whose imagination and dogged persistence it could never have been written.

TIRED TIM

Poor tired Tim! Its sad for him.
He lags the long bright morning through,
Ever so tired of nothing to do;
He moons and mopes the livelong day,
Nothing to think about, nothing to say;
Up to bed with his candle to creep,
Too tired to yawn; too tired to sleep:
Poor tired Tim! Its sad for him.

WALTER DE LA MARE

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

Any bright boy who stops to think about it will realize that he is dependent much of the time on girls and women. The following are a few of those who kept an eye on me while I was working on this volume. First, my startled mother, Pauline Cutler, who thinks I need my head examined; second, my charming editor at HarperCollins, Kate Latham, who was never less than enthusiastic; also my editor at Perigee, Marian Lizzi, who kept on laughing, and her delightful assistant, Katie Wasilewski; next, my endlessly cheerful agent, Laura Morris, who deserves a medal for supererogatory patience; then Nicolette Caven whose smashing illustrations illuminate the text; not forgetting my good friend Jo Uttley, who went to some plays with me as a sort of heroic therapy; and, finally, my incredulous, indulgent, happy, normal (and cute) wife, Marianne, who always made sure I had my bus money and that my hair was combed. She is my favorite of all.

HOW TO USE THIS BOOK

This book is aimed chiefly at boys, guys, geezers, blokes, and fellows between the ages of about 16 and 106 who find themselves at a loose end on a wet Wednesday afternoon. Probably the best way to use it is to lower yourself in somewhere and, after a nervous look around like a man in search of a breach in the wall of a nuclear reactor, get the hell out for decontamination.

Here you will findalong with the usual stuff about how to lay bricks and how to use your watch as a compassmany of those activities you have heard about but always imagined were impossible, such as how to weigh your head, how to win money in a casino, and how to take your underpants off without removing your pants: in other words, all those fundamental life skills they dont teach at school.

Unlike the activity books of yesteryear, which often called for esoteric items such as permanganate of potash, orpiment, aqua fortis, or litharge of lead, this volume demands only those props and ingredients that will be lying around. I admit that if you are going to spit-roast a suckling pig, there will be a few unusual articles required, but for the most part you shouldnt have to go far in search of equipment.

The how to books of my youth often contained instructions so complex and boring that one simply fell asleep reading them. I have therefore taken pains to ensure that no procedure in this volume is made up of more than a few steps, and that the directions are as transparent as an angels tear.

I have also personally tried and tested nearly everything that follows, though I confess I didnt get the opportunity to do any actual fire walking or make a citizens arrest. But I did pickle my own eggs and play the bagpipesthough not at the same time. In those cases where I couldnt actually try something, I quizzed the most expert experts I could find.

To simplify matters, I have assumed throughout that you are right handed. If you are not, please dont send letters to the government, just reverse the directions and everything will be OK. In fact, I refer to your hands quite a bit in the following pages and the drawing below shows how Ive named the digits.

With hankies, napkins, and sheets of paper, I refer to the corners in the following way. The top left I always call A, top right B, bottom left C, and bottom right D.

Occasionally I have referred to women as girls. If this should upset your girl, I hope you will discourage her from organizing a book burning and point out that wherever it seemed more appropriate to write she than he I did. So at least Ive been inclusive.

With proper practice and presentation, even the simplest of the tricks in this volume can be turned into a showstopper. Many have been dredged from the sludge of my memory and most I have been doing since I was a schoolboy. I admit, though, a debt of gratitude to Martin Gardner, author of numerous books of tomfoolery, puzzles, and gags that occupy the fuzzy no-mans-land between science, math, and magic. His comprehensive collections occasionally reminded me of something Id forgotten. I must also thank Ben Dunn, whose idea this book was and who first approached me to write it. He put me on to a couple of crazy things Id never heard ofwhich takes some doing. I apologize to him for burning the hair off his arm during one trick that got a bit too exciting.

I order you not to try anything dangerous that you read about here. Walking over a bed of hot coals is hazardous even for a professional hot coals man. Instead, treat these items as curiosities: mere ruminations on what one might try in an ideal world.

I have included a few tricks and gags requiring cigarettes, ashtrays, and matches although I realize that it can now be difficult to do stunts with these items for the simple reason that the government has banned smoking in many places. Youll just have to use your imagination.

You are welcome to adapt instructions and recipes according to whats in your cupboard, but if the instructions say sharp scissors, that is what you need, and if they say glue, then youd better not use tape. Certainly dont blame me if you do something differently and it all goes afoul.

Finally, I know whats still troubling you: how come this book is called 211 Things A Bright Boy Can Do instead of something more sensible like 200 things? The reasons simple really, and its this: round numbers are difficult. Just imagine if Joseph Hellers Catch-22, John Buchans The 39 Steps, and Federico Fellinis 8 had instead been called Catch-20, The 40 Steps, and 8. A bit of a letdown, I think youll agreemuch tastier the other way.

Look, were wasting time; lets get cracking!

I

HOW TO BE A REAL MAN

THE GUYS GUYS GUIDE
TO GETTING AHEAD

Let us, then, be up and doing...

HENRY WADSWORTH LONGFELLOW

HOW TO USE YOUR WATCH AS A COMPASS

Suppose your Jeexp has broken down in the desert. You know that there is an oasis 5 miles to the east of where you are, but a wilderness stretching for 50 miles in every other direction. The trouble is you have lost your compass, so how are you going to find the water? The answers simple, as it always is in these utterly unlikely scenarios. You are going to use your watch as a compass. Heres the way to do it.

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