Karen Jeffries - Hilariously Infertile: One Womans Inappropriate Quest to Help Women Laugh Through Infertility.

My Name is Karen and I am Infertile

Hello Ladies! (Oh and hello to the few supportive men who were bullied into reading this book). I am infertile and no one likes to talk about it. If you are infertile, you are not alone. Let me start at the beginning, I was born onHA! Just kidding, that book would suck . No, lets start at the other beginning. Soon after we were engaged, my husband and I moved in together in the fall of 2009. My husband, John, proposed after we jumped out of a plane together. Yeah, we are those cool people. We were married in August of 2010. I had no plans of starting a family anytime soon. I told people, including myself, that I wanted to wait until I was thirty-five to start trying. Well, I am turning thirty-four in a week and I have a dog, two kids and a house in the suburbs, so that plan sure as heck went to hell in a handbasket and fast .

We went to pick up our dog in June of 2010. That was when the motherhood juices really started flowing. We were towards the end of our engagement; the wedding was right around the corner. Brady, our Australian Labradoodle love of our lives, was the perfect thing for us. I tell people that Brady is my first-born child. I truly believe that he thinks I pushed him out of my vagina, and to be honest, if you saw the way we spoon each other at nighttime, you would think so too.

I trained Brady over the summer. I would play with him on the floor of our living room because he was too little to jump onto the couch. Then, he would fall asleep on my lap for two hours and I would be stuck there, on the living room floor, under my sleeping puppy. When he awoke, I would carry him on my hip, like a child, to my elevator and take him for a walk. If I did not carry him, he would pee a little in the elevator. When I did carry him, he would pee a little on my shirt and make it look like I was a lactating mother, but I didnt mind. Brady was my child.

I had a little bag of training treats attached to my pants and a clicker to house train him. Once, in the elevator, someone asked me if I was the dog trainer.

Oh no, I said, Im just neurotic about training him.

When he went for his first haircut, which turned out to be a disaster, I cried for two days straight. John called the dog salon and made them refund us the money because he could not listen to me sob about Bradys hair any longer. Brady was my child.

We were a very happily married couple. I liked being married and not having kids. Brady was plenty for me. I liked living in NYC and getting drunk on the weekends. I really liked sleeping in late and ordering bagels delivered. Then, when the sun got to the right spot in the sky, I really liked ordering wine delivered and starting the whole cycle over again. It was perfect. I did not need kids. However hearing John tell Brady, Go get Mommy, totally made those Mommy emotions twinge.

In June of 2011, my best friend told me she was pregnant. A few weeks later, my sister told me that she was pregnant. Correction, I told my sister that I thought she was pregnant we will get to that. Regardless, that is when I started getting the pregnancy bug.

What is it? Why is it that when women get pregnant and have babies it makes other women want to get pregnant and have babies? Why? Its not as if they have a Louis Vuitton purse and I, too, would like one. Well, lets be real, Im a school teacher. So in my case, it would be more as if they have a Michael Kors purse and I, too, want a Michael Kors purse. (To the five men who were bullied into reading this book please pause and ask your bully what that meansyou back? Great!)

My best friend, who we are going to call Shamecha because that name is awesome , and I were on our way to a bridal shower for another friend. She wanted me to come to her apartment and drive to the bridal shower together. She was insistent on this. I could not understand why. It was not making sense. We kept texting back and forth about it and finally I gave in. I pulled into the parking lot of her apartment. We moved her car so that I could park mine in her spot. I was putting my bridal shower present in the back of her car when I saw a CVS Pharmacy bag full of pregnancy tests and tampons.

Uhhh, are you pregnant? I asked, positive that the answer would be no.

Yeah, I am, she said. And youre messing this all up, we were supposed to drive together and I was supposed to tell you in the car, but now you saw the bag and, yeah, Im pregnant!

She had the biggest smile on her face. OH MY GOD!!!! I squealed, as I gave her a huge hug. We talked about her pregnancy and the way she felt the whole way to the bridal shower. Once we got to the shower, we were surrounded by things that she could not eat or drink: coffee, mimosas, soft cheese, and the list went on. After the shower, we drove to Barnes and Noble and I bought her a number of pregnancy books to read because neither one of us knew what to do when you are pregnant.

A few weeks later, my sister called me just to talk. My sister, who was married that April, went off the pill at the end of May. It was June. She started telling me about all of these random symptoms she was having and how she was sure that she was going to get her period any day now, but how it had not come yet.

What type of symptoms? I asked her suspiciously.

Well, like, my boobs hurt, a lot. Im tired. I dont know. I just want these symptoms to go away and my period to come already, she said.

My sister, who is perfectly balanced equal parts smart/not smart, did not know what was happening.

Kate, how long have you had these symptoms? I asked, as if I was asking a student about missing homework.

Umm, well, for about two weeks now, I think, she said in her not smart talk.

Kate, your period is not going to come you dumb fuck, youre pregnant! I said.

No, I really dont think so, she tried to convince me.

After significant back and forth, she agreed to go buy some pregnancy tests. She called me back two hours later.

Umm so, I think Im pregnant, she said.

You think? What does that mean, you think? I questioned aggressively.

Well, I took two pregnancy tests and they both came back positive, so I think that means Im pregnant, the not smart part of her continued.

You think that means youre pregnant? Kate this is not a you think situation. You are freaking pregnant!

Yeah, I am, she conceded.

My sisters pregnancy went off without a hitch kind of we will get to that. My best friends pregnancy, however, was not on the same track.

Shamecha suffered a miscarriage eight weeks into her pregnancy. She was devastated and so was I. I was so excited for her to be pregnant. I had been checking in on her every day to see how she felt.

It was June, Field Day. All teachers hate Field Day, except for the PE teachers who run and organize it. Prior to the invention of black workout pants, Field Day was actual torture. Lets take all these women who do not know what to wear, and put them onto a field so they can awkwardly sweat through their shirts and pants. Nothing says school spirit like bra and crotch sweat. Shamecha did not technically have to partake in Field Day. I walked into her room that morning.