David Bulitt - The Five Core Conversations for Couples: Expert Advice about How to Develop Effective Communication, a Long-Term Financial Plan, Cooperative Parenting Strategies, Mutually Satisfying Sex, and

Copyright 2020 by David Bulitt and Julie Bulitt

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Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available on file.

Cover design by Daniel Brount

Cover illustrations by gettyimages

Print ISBN: 978-1-5107-4612-1

Ebook ISBN: 978-1-5107-4613-8

Printed in the United States of America

Table of Contents

INTRODUCTION

Who Are We? Why Are We Here?

I have a lovers spat and a few drinks to thank for thirty-plus years with my wife. It was an early spring Saturday night at a fraternity party just off-campus from the University of Maryland. Julie was eighteen, angry with her freshman-year boyfriend, and out to have a few beers. I was three years older, ready to graduate and start law school. Roaming with my buddies, my goal was simple: I was looking to get laid. Having compared our own versions of that night a few dozen times over the years, I think she saw me first. Her portrayal is a bit more love at first sight; mine tilts toward simple lust. But we spent hours together, at the party and after. I planned to play it cool and wait a few days to call, until I broke down and phoned her the next afternoon. We have been pinned together ever since.

Julie is probably the most well-rounded person I have ever met. No, she cant sing, but she can manage, work and think her way through most anything that our day-to-day lives throw her way. She is empathetic (with everyone but me anyway), always happy to help a neighbor or friend with a dinner when someone is sick, or a free therapy session even when its the cousin of a friends friend who needs to talk. Julie will stop, chat, and engage with anyone. Shes the girl that once you have decided to leave the party, it takes her another hour or so to say goodbye because she stops and talks to nine people on her way out.

A good friend of ours once said to me, I can never get me enough Julie Bulitt. I feel the same. Smart, insightful, great looking, and reliably hilarious, Julie was a good catch. That is not to say that she is without her transgressionsshe can fart and snore like nobodys business, has a knack for getting into interpersonal conflicts with strangers, and isnt exactly the most affectionate character in the world. Nevertheless, how it was that she, a family therapist, ended up with me, an often jaded, overly pessimistic, and habitually unsociable divorce lawyer is quite the curiosity.

Julie would probably tell you that I have many redeeming qualities. A running joke between us is that she married me because I know how to go places. To someone who gets lost with regularity, I suppose that having a partner that knows how to go places is a good thing, albeit a little less useful with the advent of Google Maps and Waze. Julie likes that I am dependable. Like a good sense of direction, dependability is not a quality that stirs a Brad Pitt sort of sexiness for a lot of women, but being someone Julie can count on has certainly helped push me into the black, so to speak. I am a decent storyteller, helped by my ability to improve my exaggeration with each retelling. Patience? Dont have too much of that except with my kids, grandchildren, and dogs, but Julie doesnt seem to mind telling me to press my P button when I need to. I will also tell you that I am a pro at saying I am sorry, something that has no doubt developed from having had to do so with abundance and regularity.

When couples marry, they often repeat the traditional marriage vows. Both partners promise to have and hold the other, from that day forward, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, until death do they part. For many of us, that can be a tough row to hoe. When the eighties rock singer Meat Loaf topped off a famous tune with the lyric Im praying for the end of time, so I can end my time with you, trust me, he wasnt the only one.

During the course of our marriage, Julie and I have had the usual share of conversations and colloquies, debates and disputes. More than thirty years of talking. Talking about our relationship and other couples and their relationships, about our problems and their problems, our kids and their kids, money that we wish we had, money we shouldnt have spent, not having enough sex, being harassed into too much sex. Several years ago, though, it struck me that our decades-long and still running marital reel-to-reel might be different in some wayunique, possiblythan other couples. While we are a couple, we are also in the business of relationships, saving them and ending them. What do a divorce lawyer and a family therapist talk about when the doors are closed, when the alcohol is flowing, when they are in the bathtub or walking on the beach? Whats on our minds? What makes us laugh, yell, and cry? Who gets the last word?

From our differing vantage points and often contrasting perspectives, Julie and I have seen up close families struggling with lifes most difficult challenges, including infidelity, mental health diagnoses, learning disabilities, abuse, serious illness, estrangement, and trauma. At the same time, we have weathered our own challenges at home, raised four daughters, two biological and two adopted, and dealt with one childs mental health and behavioral issues, addiction, running away, and pregnancy.

What we have listened to, struggled through, and learned about saving a marriage, keeping a family together, or knowing when to call it quits, when to turn to professionals, or when to try tough love, could fill a book. And it has. This book is culled from my notes and memories of our many discussions, disagreements, and more than a few arguments. Sectioned topically into the five core building blocks to all successful relationships, our conversations include funny, frank, and sometimes painful stories and issues. We go back and forth and tackle the basics from getting along, to parenting, communication, finances, and sex, as well as hard-to-discuss issues like addiction, infertility, pornography, adultery, and family silence.

Here is, for better or for worse, what we talk about. We hope it helps you to gain some fresh insights into your own relationships and have valuable and more frequent conversations with those you love.

David

THE FIRST CORE

Building and Filling