Dr. David Clarke - I Dont Want a Divorce: A 90 Day Guide to Saving Your Marriage

2009 by David Clarke & William G. Clarke

Published by Revell
a division of Baker Publishing Group
P.O. Box 6287, Grand Rapids, MI 49516-6287
www.revellbooks.com

Ebook edition created 2010

Ebook corrections 04.15.2016 (VBN), 08.12.2019

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any meansfor example, electronic, photocopy, recordingwithout the prior written permission of the publisher. The only exception is brief quotations in printed reviews.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is on file at the Library of Congress, Washington, DC.

ISBN 978-1-4412-1090-6

Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture quotations are from the Holy Bible, New International Version. NIV. Copyright 1973, 1978, 1984 by Biblica, Inc. Used by permission of Zondervan. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com

Scripture quotations labeled NASB are from the New American Standard Bible, copyright 1960, 1962, 1963, 1968, 1971, 1972, 1973, 1975, 1977, 1995 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission. www.lockman.org

Published in association with Joyce Hart of the Hartline Literary Agency, LLC.

To protect the privacy of those whose stories are shared by the author, some details and names have been changed.

To Bob and Pam Johns,
two great friends,
two great teachers,
and one great example of what staying
in love is all about.

Contents

Part 1
Yes, You Can
Change Your Marriage

The Good News about a Bad Marriage

Your marriage is in trouble. Thats why you picked up this book. Youre not happy. Your spouse isnt happy. Your marriage is not on the right track. Needs are not being met. You never thought your marriage would get to this. But it has.

You dont want a divorce.

You want intimacy. You want passion. You want to feel in love again. And the sooner the better.

If youre in a marriage that needs to be saved, I have good news and more good news.

The Good News

The first piece of good news is that you are not alone. You and your spouse are part of a huge club with millions of members. Just about every marriage breaks down and ends up in trouble. It is the nature of the beast.

In 1 Corinthians 7:28, the apostle Paul has this to say about marriage:

Those who marry will face many troubles in this life.

Yeah. No kidding. I almost used these ten words as the title of this book. Paul is communicating a universal truth: Every married couple will be forced to deal with many difficulties.

You fall in love. Neither one of you has a clue about the problems that will begin to hit you just a few years into marriagesometimes just a few months into marriage. This nave ignorance is a blessing. If any of us had the slightest inkling of the potholed road ahead, no one would ever get married. The human race would die quickly.

With bright eyes and bright hopes, you get married. Your hormone-driven passion peters out eighteen months after the wedding day. Your male-female differences, annoying habits, and ever-increasing conflicts put a pounding on your love. Add a child or two and now youre really in for it.

You spend less and less time together. You dont talk on a deep level. You cant remember the last personal conversation you had. Romance and affection are way down. Sex is infrequent and not too exciting. You fight more and more and cant resolve disagreements. Or worse, you avoid conflicts by avoiding each other and touchy subjects.

Sound familiar? This progressive breakdown in a marriage happens to 99.99 percent of all couples who tie the knot. Including my wife, Sandy, and me. If you are in that .01 percent of couples who have weathered the storms without breaking down, congratulations. I mean it. You are the extraordinary exception.

If your marriage is good, and you want to make it better, this book isnt for you. Give it to a couple who needs it. If your marriage is currently bad and you want to make it better, a lot better, this book is for you.

The Three Troubled Marriages

So the question is not, Is your marriage struggling? Weve established that it is. The two questions to be answered are: How is your marriage struggling? and What can you do about it?

As a clinical psychologist in private practice for more than twenty-three years, specializing in marital therapy, I have answers to both these questions.

The answer to the first question is this: Almost all troubled marriages fall into one of three categories.

The Were Unhappy but Willing to Work on It Marriage

Your marriage is not doing well, but neither of you has taken serious, damaging actions. And you both are willing to take steps to improve your relationship.

Marriages in this category, unhappy but experiencing no outrageous or deeply harmful behavior, tend to come in four types. See if you recognize yours.

WERE OKAY.

Your marriage is okay. Fair. Mediocre. Youre comfortable with each other. You feel stable and secure. What you dont feel is passion. Oh, you still love each other. But the thrill is gone.

Your marriage is based on commitment and routine, not intimacy. Youre not sweethearts anymore. Your sex is still fairly frequent, but it is a five on a scale of one to ten. You work at your careers. You take care of the kids. You do household chores. You pay the bills. You visit your families. Exciting? No. Predictable and boring? Oh yeah.

Even though youre not terribly unhappy, you still have a bad marriage. It is far less than what it could be, and you know it. You are settling for a go-kart when you could have a Corvette. Being okay with an okay marriage is not okay. If you dont change your marriage pretty quickly, it will get worse. A lot worse. And it wont take a long time.

WERE NOT OKAY.

Your marriage is in trouble, and you are aware of it. No one has made a move toward divorce. In fact, no one has mentioned divorce. But youre both unhappy. Your feelings of love are greatly diminished. There are more negatives than positives in the relationship.

You are often irritated by your spouses annoying habits and weaknesses. You are having more and more conflicts, usually over petty issues. You dont have deep, intimate, revealing conversations. You rarely go out on romantic dates. Youre not playful with each other. Your kisses are stale, forced, and pathetically weak. Sex still happens sporadically, but it is more about meeting a biological need than about expressing love.

Youre beginning to lead separate lives. You are avoiding each other. Your relationship doesnt give you energy. It sucks the energy and life right out of you. Youre staying together because of commitment and because of the children.

Youre not sure how much longer you can hold on. Youve thought about divorce, even though you really dont want one. You find yourself wondering what it would be like to split up and be on your own. You begin to notice members of the opposite sex and find yourself attracted to them.

You dont realize it, but unless you are totally committed to following Gods direction, you are an affair waiting to happen. Your marriage isnt dead yet, but it is in intensive care on life support.

WERE MISERABLE.

Your marriage has suffered a complete breakdown. Its dead. Its over. There are no feelings of love left. I call this kind of relationship Dead Marriage Walking.

You want out of your marriage. Or your spouse wants out. Divorce has been mentioned, probably many times. One spouse has filed for divorce or is on the verge of filing.

One spouse may have uttered those five horrible words: I dont love you anymore. You are leading largely separate lives. There is very little interaction. You dont see any hope for your marriage. Its only a matter of time before it is ended. An affair may be happening or be close to happening.