Dan Zevin - Mr. Humblebrag: A Parody

Copyright 2015 by Dan Zevin All rights reserved. Published in the United States by Three Rivers Press, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Penguin Random House LLC, New York. www.crownpublishing.com THREE RIVERS PRESS and the Tugboat design are registered trademarks of Penguin Random House LLC. Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available upon request. ISBN9781101904466 eBook ISBN9781101904589 Illustrations by Dylan KlymenkoCover design by Dylan Klymenko First Edition v4.1 a Mr. Humblebrag wanted to make the whole wide world happy.

Happy for him! With piles of money and loads of success, he couldnt help but to broadcast how #blessed he was. And he tried extra hard to act bashful, not boastful.

Everybody loves a winner, as long as he acts like a loser, Mr. Humblebrag liked to say. Jeez, how did a dummy like me ever figure that one out? One day, Mr. Humblebrag was on a tropical cruise vacation while everyone else was at their soul-crushing, dead-end jobs.

He was sure theyd feel better if they only knew what a fun time he was having on the lido deck. But what if they resent your ceaseless good fortune? asked his fiance, Little Miss Porn Star. Not a problem! he replied. I will do the thing where I make them feel sorry for me.

Gleefully, he posted a photo of them sipping papaya coladas in the pool. Uh-oh, does that look like bragging? Dont worry, here comes the humble.

Leave it to me to twist my ankle doing the limbo! he false-modestly wrote. Now I have to stay off my feet for the rest of the week!

Just then, a comment appeared in his feed. It was from his coworker, Mr. Snark! I feel your pain, it said. Mr. Humblebrag felt validated inside.

Because he didnt understand sarcasm.

One day, Mr. Humblebrag dipped into his trust fund. He bought a shiny new Tesla. It cost a katrillion dollars and a bazillion cents, he was embarrassed to tell his five million Friends. So if anyone can bail me out of debtors prison, Id be #grateful because Im #poor! Mr.

Humblebrag couldnt wait to customize his car. First, he put a subtle decal on the back window, identifying the small college outside of Boston he attended. Now he wouldnt have to tell everyone where he went to school. Because that would sound snobby, wouldnt it?

Soon, he discovered his favorite standard feature. Can you guess what it was? The horn! Hed toot it in the morning, hed toot it in the afternoon, hed toot it all night long. He sure liked tooting his own horn! One snowy morning, Mr.

Humblebrag sat down to compose his holiday card. He reflected on all the things he was blessed with. And honored about. And thankful for. And, especially, humbled by.

Not to mention his upcoming cover shoot for the Abercrombie & Fitch catalogue. Not to mention his upcoming cover shoot for the Abercrombie & Fitch catalogue.

Guess they somehow mixed me up with a dude who looks like an Abercrombie & Fitch model, he humorously joked. He sure was self-deprecating instead of self-promoting!