Dan Zevin - Little Miss Overshare: A Parody

Copyright 2015 by Dan Zevin

All rights reserved.

Published in the United States by Three Rivers Press, an imprint of the Crown Publishing Group, a division of Penguin Random House LLC, New York.

www.crownpublishing.com

THREE RIVERS PRESS and the Tugboat design are registered trademarks of Penguin Random House LLC.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available upon request.

ISBN9781101904459

eBook ISBN9781101904572

Illustrations by Dylan Klymenko

Cover design by Dylan Klymenko

First Edition

v4.1

a

Little Miss Overshare was so excited, she jumped out of bed and ran straight to her roommates room.

Today is my birthday! she shared. It is the day my mother had a C-section because her cervix was not fully dilated and my head couldnt fit through her birth canal! Good morning!

Miss Overshare waited for her roommate to sing her the Happy Birthday song.

But instead, she was silent.

My roommate is polite, sensed Miss Overshare. She knows that interrupting is bad manners.

Well, Little Miss Overshare was polite, too!

She knew that sharing was good manners.

So she excused herself to go to the bathroom, explaining that she hadnt been able to move her bowels for three whole days.

I think its from the mozzarella! she thoughtfully shared from the toilet seat.

Now her roommate wouldnt have to spend the rest of the day wondering!

On her walk to work, Little Miss Overshare cheerfully greeted the townspeople.

Why, hello! she called out to Mr. Butcher. I am a vegetarian because I am morally opposed to eating anything that once had eyes!

Top of the morning to you! she greeted Mr. Trash Man. The reason I wash my hands every twelve minutes is because I have an obsessive compulsive disorder!

And how are you today? she chirped to Mr. Donut Man. I will have a vanilla swirl with no vanilla extract, please, since my father is an alcoholic.

When she finished her breakfast, she strolled to the bus stop.

There she met an old woman.

Excuse me, dear, the old woman said. Do you know how to get to Main Street?

Of course I do! exclaimed Miss Overshare. That is where my boyfriend lives!

Miss Overshare moved closer and spoke right into the old womans hearing aid.

Ill tell you, at first I didnt think hed be able to please me because of his erectile dysfunction, but ever since he started Cialis, its likeyou think you have trouble walking?

Just then, the old woman did something silly.

She dropped dead of a heart attack.

Oh my God! Miss Overshare screamed. I have to write about this on my blog!

Later, at work, she heard some colleagues chatting at the water cooler.

There was Little Miss Soccer Mom, who was always going on and on about carpooling.

TMI, Miss Overshare thought.

And there was Mr. Meh, who told long-winded tales about the cute tricks his cat did each night.

STFU, crossed her mind.

Still, she was thirsty, so she joined them.

Would you like some water? inquired Mr. Meh.

Just an empty cup please, Miss Overshare replied. I have to drink cranberry juice all week because of my urinary tract infection.

And then she showed them her urine sample.

At the end of the day, Miss Overshare made sure to let her supervisor know shed have to leave right after the four oclock meeting because she needed to pick up her dry cleaning by five to get to her parents house in time for her birthday dinner, even though she already brought that blouse to the lady, like, three other times and the underarm stains were still there, which was definitely the dry cleaners fault, but it was also the deodorants fault because no matter how many different brands she tried, she still had the same wetness issue, usually in her left armpit more than her right, but, look at this, right now theyre