Dan Gutman - My Weird School Daze #8: Miss Laney Is Zany!

My name is A.J. and I hate school.

But I have to go anyway. My friend Billy who lives around the corner told me that if you dont go to school, they throw you in jail. Then you have to wear one of those striped uniforms and drag around a ball and chain.

I go to Ella Mentry School, and my teacher is Mr. Granite, who is from another planet. It was Monday morning, and the girls were talking about silly girl stuff, like how many stuffed animals they have on their beds. Me and the guys were talking about important guy stuff, like my favorite TV show Win Money or Eat Bugs .

Its a cool show. You have to answer a bunch of questions. If you get them right, you win money. If you get them wrong, you have to eat bugs. So Win Money or Eat Bugs has the perfect name. Some people win money. But most people have to eat bugs. That show is hilarious.

After we put our backpacks into our cubbies, the school secretary, Mrs. Patty, made an announcement over the loudspeaker. We had to go to the all-purpose room for a surprise assembly.

Why are we having an assembly? asked Andrea Young, this annoying girl in my class with curly brown hair.

Beats me, said her crybaby friend Emily.

Everybody was in the all-purpose room. Miss Lazar, the custodian. Ms. LaGrange, the lunch lady. Even Mr. Tony, who runs the after-school program, was there. I could tell it wasnt a normal assembly. We were all buzzing about what was up.

We had to sit crisscross applesauce. Finally our principal, Mr. Klutz, got up on the stage. He has no hair at all. I mean none . They should use his head to bounce laser beams around the world. Mr. Klutz held up his hand and made a peace sign, which means shut up.

I have bad news, Mr. Klutz said.

Mr. Klutz has a bad nose, I whispered to my friend Michael, who never ties his shoes.

As you probably heard from your parents, Mr. Klutz told us, the economy is in bad shape. We have been trying to save money ever since our budget was cut. But last night I got a call from the Board of Education. Im sorry to tell you this, butElla Mentry School will be closing in June.

Everybody laughed. Mr. Klutz is so funny!

Its not a joke, he added.

Suddenly, it was quiet in the all-purpose room. You could hear a pin drop.

Do you mean the school will close for a few weeks? asked Mr. Granite.

No, Mr. Klutz replied. The school is closing forever .

Forever?

Forever.

I looked at Michael. Michael looked at Ryan. Ryan looked at Neil, who we call the nude kid even though he wears clothes. Then we all jumped out of our seats at the same time.

Yeah! me and the guys shouted. No more school!

Youll still have to go to school, Mr. Klutz told us. Youll just have to go to another school. A school thats farther away.

Oh. Bummer in the summer!

Will the teachers be fired? asked Mr. Granite.

Im afraid so, Mr. Klutz said. The whole staff will lose their jobs. And that includes me. Were all in the same boat.

I looked around. I didnt see a boat anywhere.

What do boats have to do with it? I asked.

That means were all in this together , Arlo, whispered Andrea. She calls me by my real name because she knows I dont like it.

There will be more budget cuts between now and June, Mr. Klutz said. So well all have to tighten our belts. Does anybody have any questions?

What if you dont wear a belt? I asked.

Tightening our belts means we have to save money, dumbhead, Andrea whispered, rolling her eyes.

Your face needs to save money, I told her.

I hate Andrea.

Isnt there anything we can do? asked Mr. Granite.

Im afraid not, Mr. Klutz said. It will cost a million dollars to keep the school open.

WOW, everybody said, which is MOM upside down. We all started buzzing again. The teachers looked worried. A few first graders started crying.

It was the saddest day in the history of the world.

When we got back to our classroom, two big guys wearing overalls were carrying out Mr. Granites desk.

Hey, what are you doing? Mr. Granite shouted.

Sorry, bud, one of the guys said. Budget cuts.

Mr. Granite was mad because he didnt have a desk anymore. But he still had to teach us math. I raised my hand to ask a question, and Mr. Granite said it had to be about math.

How many dollars is a million? I asked.

Well, lets say you have one dollar, Mr. Granite told me, and then you get a million more dollars. Then youd have a million dollars.

That made sense.

No you wouldnt, said Andrea. Youd have a million and one dollars.

Andrea had a big smile on her face, like she was all proud of herself. Why cant a million dollars fall on her head? A million dollars in coins .

We were all sad about the school closing down. Mr. Granite wasnt in the mood to teach, and nobody was in the mood to learn anything. Not even Andrea.

Luckily, we have art class on Mondays. We walked a million hundred miles to the art room. Ms. Hannah, the art teacher, was cutting a piece of cardboard into a bunch of tiny little squares.

What are we doing in art today? asked Emily.

Because of the budget cuts, I can only use one sheet of cardboard for the whole class, said Ms. Hannah. So today were going to make postage stamps.

Postage stamps? we all asked.

We all have to do our part to save money, she said.

I made a little frowny face on my stamp, and there wasnt room to draw anything else. Making postage stamps in art class is lame.

When we got back to Mr. Granites room, Mrs. Patty made an announcement over the loudspeaker.

A.J., please report to the girls bathroom.

What?! I thought I was gonna die.

Ryan, Michael, and Neil thought it was hilarious. They were falling off their chairs.

A.J. has to go to the girls bathroom, Michael said. He must be a girl!

There must be some mistake, Mr. Granite said.

Im not going to the girls bathroom, I announced. What if there are girls in there?

Of course there will be girls in there, Andrea said. Its the girls

She didnt have the chance to finish her sentence because Mrs. Patty made another announcement.

Ryan, please report to the girls bathroom.

What?!

Im not going to

Ryan didnt have the chance to finish his sentence because Mrs. Patty made another announcement.

Andrea, please report to the girls bathroom.

What?!

And then Mrs. Patty made another announcement.

Emily, please report to the girls bathroom.

I guess the four of you should go to the girls bathroom, Mr. Granite told us.

He gave me, Ryan, Andrea, and Emily passes; and we walked down the hall to the girls bathroom.

You open the door, I told Andrea. Youre a girl.

Andrea put her hand on the doorknob.

Andrea turned the doorknob.

She pulled open the door.

And youll never believe in a million hundred years what we saw in there.