Dan Gutman - My Weird School 4-Book Collection with Bonus Material: Miss Daisy Is Crazy!; Mr. Klutz Is Nuts!; Mrs. Roopy Is Loopy!; and Ms. Hannah Is Bananas!

I Hate School!

Dumb Miss Daisy and Principal Klutz

How to Spell Read

Miss Daisy Is Crazy!

The Most Genius Idea!

What Do You Want to Be?

Bonbons and Footballs

A Lot of Books!

Put Those Books Away

Football Players Are Really Dumb

We Rule the School!

Poor Miss Daisy

The Flying Principal

Big Trouble

The Principal Is Your Pal

The Present

My Big Mouth

The Chocolate Party

Teacher for a Day

Mr. Klutz Puckers Up

I Pledge Allegiance to Mr. Klutz

Mr. Klutz Is Getting Weirder

The Last Straw

A Hard Bargain

Poor Mr. Klutz

That Army Guy

The Librarian

George Washingtons Teeth

Dumbheads

Mrs. Roopys Hero

Johnny Applesauce

One Small Step for Man

Nursery Rhyme Week

Mrs. Roopys Problem

The Evidence

Just Admit It!

The Proof

I Hate Andrea Young

Finger Painting with Ms. Hannah

Weird People

What a Mess!

The Secret of the Teachers Lounge

The Museum of Hanging Garbage

Performance Art

The Friendship Picture

Mr. Klutz and the Secret Drawer

The Big Stupid Art Contest

My name is A.J. I like football and video games, and I hate school. Our teacher, Miss Daisy, was taking attendance. It was the first day of second grade. Miss Daisy told everyone in the class to stand up, say our name, and say something about ourself.

All the kids laughed when I said I hated school. But there was nothing funny about it. I have learned a lot in my eight years. One thing I learned is that there is no reason why kids should have to go to school.

If you ask me, kids can learn all we need to learn by watching TV. You can learn important information like which breakfast cereal tastes best and what toys you should buy and which shampoo leaves your hair the shiniest. This is stuff that well need to know when we grow up.

School is just this dumb thing that grown-ups thought up so they wouldnt have to pay for baby-sitters. When I grow up and have children of my own, I wont make them go to school. They can just ride their bikes and play football and video games all day. Theyll be happy, and theyll think Im the greatest father in the world.

But for now, I wanted to let my new teacher, Miss Daisy, know from the very start how I felt about school.

You know what, A.J.? Miss Daisy said, I hate school too.

You do?

We all stared at Miss Daisy. I thought teachers loved school. If they didnt love school, why did they become teachers? Why would they ever want to go to a school as a grown-up? I know that when Im a grown-up, Im not going to go anywhere near a school.

Sure I hate school, Miss Daisy continued. If I didnt have to be here teaching you, I could be home sitting on my comfortable couch, watching TV and eating bonbons.

Wow! we all said.

Whats a bonbon? asked Ryan, a kid with black sneakers who was sitting next to me.

Bonbons are these wonderful chocolate treats, Miss Daisy told us. Theyre about the size of a large acorn, and you can pop the whole thing right in your mouth so you dont need a napkin. I could eat a whole box of bonbons in one sitting.

They sound delicious! said Andrea Young, a girl with curly brown hair. She was sitting up real straight in the front of the class with her hands folded like they were attached to each other.

Miss Daisy seemed like a pretty cool lady, for a teacher. Anybody who hated school and liked to sit around watching TV and eating chocolate treats was okay by me.

Me and Miss Daisy had a lot in common. Maybe going to school wouldnt be so terrible after all.

Miss Daisy said it was time for us to clear off our desks and see how much we knew about arithmetic.

Ugh!

If I gave you fifty-eight apples and Principal Klutz took twenty-eight of them away, Miss Daisy asked, how many apples would you have left? A.J.?

Who cares how many apples you would have left? I said. I hate apples. If you ask me, you and Principal Klutz can take all the apples away and it wouldnt bother me one bit.

You would have thirty apples, said that girl Andrea Young in the front of the class. She had a big smile on her face, like she had just opened all her birthday presents. Andrea Young thinks shes so smart.

I hate arithmetic, I announced.

You know what? Miss Daisy said. I hate arithmetic too!

You do? we all said.

Sure! I dont even know what you get if you multiply four times four.

You dont?

I have no idea, Miss Daisy said, scratching her head and wrinkling up her forehead like she was trying to figure it out. Maybe one of you kids can explain it to me?

Boy, Miss Daisy was really dumb! Even I know what you get when you multiply four times four. But that smarty-pants-I-know-everything-girl Andrea Young beat me to it and got called on first.

If you put four crayons in a row, she told Miss Daisy as she put a bunch of crayons on the top of her desk, and you make four rows of four crayons, youll have sixteen crayons. See? Then she counted the crayons from one to sixteen.

Miss Daisy looked at the crayons on Andreas desk. She had a puzzled look on her face.

Im not sure I understand, she said. Can somebody else explain it to me?

Michael Robinson, this kid wearing a red T-shirt with a dirt bike on it, explained four times four again, using pencils. He had sixteen pencils on his desk, in four rows of four pencils. Miss Daisy still had a look on her face like she didnt understand.

What would happen if you subtracted half of the pencils? she asked.

Michael took away two of the rows of pencils and put them in his pencil box.

Then you would have eight pencils! we all said.

Andrea Young added, Half of sixteen is eight.

Miss Daisy wrinkled up her forehead until it was almost like an accordion. She still didnt get it!

She started counting the pencils on Michaels desk out loud and using her fingers. She got it all wrong. We gathered around Michaels desk and tried to explain to Miss Daisy how to add, subtract, multiply, and divide numbers using the pencils.

Nothing worked. Miss Daisy had to be the dumbest teacher in the history of the world! No matter how many times we tried to explain, she kept shaking her head.