Dan Gutman - My Weird School Daze #10: Miss Mary Is Scary!

My name is A.J. and I hate school. It was a couple of weeks before Halloween, which is the coolest holiday of the year. We get to wear our costumes to school on Halloween and have a big candy party. At the end of the day we parade around the block with all the parents watching. Marching in a parade is way better than watching a parade, because you dont have to stand in one place for a million hundred hours.

Hang up your coats in the cloakroom, said my teacher, Mr. Granite, who is from another planet. What a weird name for a room: cloakroom. Who wears a cloak ? I dont even know what a cloak is. After we finished circle time and Word of the Day, Mr. Granite told us to take out our math books and turn to page twenty-three.

Can I go to the bathroom? I asked. Do you really need to, A.J.? said Mr. Granite. Yes! I didnt really need to go to the bathroom. Sometimes I go to the bathroom even though I dont have to. Like when Mr.

Granite is teaching math. I hate math. Math is the perfect time to go to the bathroom. Arlo doesnt need to go to the bathroom, said Andrea Young, this annoying girl with curly brown hair. She calls me by my real name because she knows I dont like it. Do not. Do not.

We went back and forth like that for a while. But the teachers have to let you go to the bathroom. Its a law. If they dont let you go to the bathroom, they have to go to jail. Go ahead, A.J., Mr. Granite grumbled.

The boys bathroom is haunted, yknow, whispered my friend Ryan. I heard theres a ghost in there. Yeah, watch out for that ghost, said my friend Michael. He eats kids for lunch. Thats ridiculous. Theres no such thing as a ghost.

And even if there were ghosts, they wouldnt go to the bathroom. They dont have to. Even if ghosts did have to go to the bathroom, they wouldnt haunt one. Ghosts haunt graveyards, basements, and old houses of people who died. Not bathrooms. Everybody knows that.

Im not afraid of ghosts. Still, I was going to be careful, just to be on the safe side. I walked down the hall and pushed open the door to the bathroom. Anybody in here? I asked. Nobody answered. I sat down in one of the stalls.

There was nothing to do, but it was better than learning math. Thats when something really weird happened. The toilet in the stall next to me flushed. Whos in there? I asked, alarmed. Nobody answered. Nobody. Nobody.

Are you aghost? I asked. The ghost didnt answer. Maybe it was invisible. I picked up the extra roll of toilet paper in case I had to hit the invisible ghost over the head with it. Thats when something even weirder happened. The toilet on the other side of me flushed! Who is that? I demanded.

Nobody answered. I peeked under the stall. Nobody was there. This was really weird! Maybe there were two invisible ghosts! And they had me surrounded! I was scared. I wanted to run away to Antarctica and go live with the penguins. But thats when the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened.

The toilet I was sitting on suddenly flushed! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I got up and ran out of the stall. Then I ran past the sinks, and they turned on! Then I ran past the hand dryer, and it turned on! Help! I screamed as I ran out the door. There are ghosts in there! I ran back to class and shouted, There are ghosts in the bathroom! Help! Calm down, A.J., Mr. Granite told me. What happened? I was in the stall, I explained, and the toilet on my left flushed all by itself! And then the toilet on my right flushed all by itself! And then the toilet I was sitting on flushed all by itself! And the sinks and hand dryer turned on too! But nobody was there! It must be ghosts! The bathroom is haunted! Run for your lives! Everybody started freaking out, yelling, screaming, and crying. Thats when our custodian, Miss Lazar, came in.

There are no ghosts in the bathroom, Miss Lazar said. I recently installed automatic sinks, hand dryers, and toilets to save water and electricity. I was just testing them out to see if they work. Oh. Well, maybe there arent any ghosts in the bathroom after all.

Mr.

Mr.

Granite told us that it was his idea to install the new water-saving toilets. Every time you flush a toilet, he said, you use up to 5 gallons of water. So five flushes in a day would befive times five25 gallons of water a day Mr. Granite loves math. and that adds up to 175 gallons a week, Mr. Granite continued.

And 9,100 gallons a year. And do you know how many gallons of water you will flush down the toilet in your lifetime? He didnt have the chance to answer the question, because at that moment the weirdest thing in the history of the world happened. The door opened. Well, thats not the weird part because doors open all the time. But youll never believe who walked into the door. Nobody, because if you walked into a door it would hurt.

But youll never believe who walked into the doorway . It was our principal, Mr. Klutz! He has no hair at all. I think Mr. Klutz used to have hair, but it fell out a long time ago. Thats what happens when men get old.

He held up his hand and made a peace sign, which means shut up. I have big news! he told us. Mr. Klutz has a big nose, I whispered to Ryan, who sits next to me. What is it? asked Andreas crybaby friend, Emily. Youre going to get a student teacher! Mr.

Klutz announced. Isnt that exciting? Yes! said all the girls. No! said all the boys. Wait a minute. Student teacher? That doesnt make any sense. How can a student be a teacher? I asked.

Or a teacher be a student? A person can either be a student or a teacher, but not both. A student teacher is somebody whos learning how to be a teacher, dumbhead, said Andrea. Oh, snap! said Ryan. So is your face, I told Andrea. Any time somebody says something mean to you and you cant think of what to say, just say, So is your face. Thats the first rule of being a kid.

What is our student teachers name? Andrea asked. When will we meet her? Right now! Mr. Klutz said. Come on in here, Mary. Dont be shy. A lady came in. A lady came in.

She looked weird. She had black hair, black clothes, black eye makeup, and a tattoo of a black bat on her arm. There was a purple streak in her hair. She had holes in her pants and earbuds in her ears. She was chewing gum and bobbing her head up and down to the music. Mr.

Granite didnt look very happy when he saw Miss Mary. Yo, she said as she took out one of her earbuds. What up? Yo, we all replied. Miss Mary is going to be a great teacher, Mr. Klutz told us. Do you know how I know shell be so good? How? we all asked.