Dan Gutman - Sports

To Emma

Contents

My name is Professor A.J. and I love sports.

Ewww, I said it! I said the L word! Ugh, disgusting. I think I have to go take a shower.

But the truth is that sports are the only things in the history of the world that I truly love. How come? In sports like football and hockey, you get to knock guys on their butts. In baseball you get to slide into home plate and knock the catcher on his butt. In basketball you get to dribble the ball down the court, charge in for a lay-up, and knock the defender on his butt. Knocking guys on their butts is fun.

Well, not as much fun as eating candy, but still fun.

The other cool thing about sports is counting how many times the players spit. Those guys spit all the time! I like to watch games on TV and keep track to see which team spits the most. Thats just as much fun as keeping the real score.

Now just wait one gosh-darned minute there, Arlo!

Oh no! Its Andrea Young, this annoying girl in my class with curly brown hair. She calls me by my real name because she knows I dont like it.

Yes, my name is Andrea, and I love sports, too. But knocking people down is mean, and dangerous. And spitting in public is disgusting.

Ill tell you what I love about sports. Its the mystery of not knowing how a game is going to end. When you go to the movies, you can usually tell in the first five minutes exactly how the story is going to end. The good guys going to win. The bad guys going to lose. The man and the lady are going to fall in love. Its so predictable. But in sports you never know for sure whos going to win until the game is over. Thats what I love about sports. Its a big mystery.

Just ignore her. Andrea thinks she is so smart. She knows nothing about sports. Why cant a truck full of bowling balls fall on her head?

I, Professor A.J., will tell you everything you need to know about sports. For instance, did you know that the first sports were played by cavemen?

Its true! You see, back in caveman days a million hundred years ago, there was this guy named Ug. He came out of his cave one day with a club in his hand. He was going to go kill a dinosaur so he could have something to eat for dinner. But the next thing that happened was that some other caveman threw a rock at him for no reason. What a jerk, right?

So anyway, Ug took his club, swung it at the rock, and whacked it over the fence even though they didnt have fences in those days.

And thats how baseball was invented.

You made all that stuff up, didnt you, Arlo?

Well, yeah. But I do know a lot of true stuff about sports, too. True, weird stuff. So if you want to know all that true, weird stuff, theres just one thing you have to do. Turn the page!

Hey, were not going to do everything for you.

Yours truly,

Professor A.J.

(the professor of awesomeness)

Andrea Young (Im in the gifted and talented program.)

Some people have no luck at all. During a game in 1957, Richie Ashburn of the Phillies hit a foul ball that flew into the stands and hit a lady named Alice Roth in the head. It broke her nose.

That was bad enough. But then, as Alice was getting carried away in a stretcher, Ashburn fouled off the next pitch. Guess where it went? Yeah, it sailed into the stands and hit Alice. It broke a bone in her knee!

That lady was not having a good day.

Deion Sanders is the only person in history to hit a home run in a Major League Baseball game and score a touchdown in the National Football League in the same week!

The most valuable baseball card in the world is a Honus Wagner card from 190910. In perfect condition, its worth more than two million dollars.

If you ever find one of those cards, theres one thing you should do with it right awaygive it to me.

Why do they call it a bullpen?

A tobacco company named Bull Durham used to put billboards in the shape of a bull on the outfield walls of ballparks. Because relief pitchers took their warm-up tosses in the shade of those big Bull Durham signs, the pens they warmed up in came to be called bullpens.

While many professional baseball players today make millions of dollars each year, the most money the legendary Babe Ruth ever earned in one season was eighty thousand dollars. If the Babe played today, he would probably make a million hundred dollars.

Of course, he would also be over a hundred years old. So forget about that idea.

Do you know how Babe Ruth kept cool on really hot days?

He put a wet cabbage leaf under his cap. Thats true! Every few innings he would put a new one in there. So be thankful that we have air-conditioning now. If we didnt, you might be walking around with vegetables on your head.

Babe Ruth at bat, c. 1923