Dan Gutman - My Weird Writing Tips

This book is dedicated to you.

You probably have mixed feelings about picking up this book. On the one hand, you think it might be funny because youve read the My Weird School series. Maybe A.J., Andrea, Michael, Ryan, Alexia, and Neil the nude kid will torment the grown-ups at Ella Mentry School and a lot of silly stuff will go on.

On the other hand, it looks like this might be a book about writing. Ugh, disgusting! Its probably going to be a big borefestone of those books your mom and dad want you to read because they think it will make you smarter or help you get better grades.

The truth is, its both. You just might learn something, but you might get a few laughs too. So give it a shot. What have you got to lose? This just might be the greatest book in the history of the world.

Oh, yeah. I forgot to introduce A.J. and Andrea. Theyre two of my characters from the My Weird School series. Theyre going to help me talk about grammar.

Anyway, this is the part where Im supposed to tell you why you need to read this book. Well, to be perfectly honest, you dont.

Nobodys going to throw you in jail if you dont use correct grammar and spelling. You dont need to write well to live. Ive heard all the reasons for not learning how to write a million hundred times:

None of my friends bother with punctuation and all that garbage. So why should I?

Im in a hurry. Its a busy world. Everything moves faster than it did back in the Dark Ages. Get with it, old man.

When I text with my friends, I can only send a limited number of letters. So theres no point in learning how to write proper English.

I communicate just fine right now. CUL8R is the same as see you later. GR8 is the same as great. And I can write the short versions faster.

This is how I stick it to The Man, or my parents, or my teachers, or old people who grew up before computers. And besides, anything a grown-up tells me to do has to be wrong.

Spelling, grammar, and punctuation are boring.

Being illiterate is cool. (Hey, some people really think this!)

Okay, I get it. Youve decided to ignore the rules and just write whatever you want. I respect your independence. Now Im going to tell you the one simple reason why you should change your mind. Are you ready? Here it is.

You sound like a dumbhead.

Thats it. I said it. I didnt want to say it, but somebody had to. If your teacher gives you an assignment and you write, I want to go over their, you sound like a dumbhead. If you write, The girlss lined up in sise order, you sound like a dumbhead.

You dont want to sound like a dumbhead, do you? Sounding like a dumbhead isnt cool. And besides, dumbheads dont get into good colleges. They dont get good jobs.

I really shouldnt say that. Some dumbheads do get great jobs and make gobs of money. Maybe you can think of a few.

Call me a nerd if you want. I still think communication matters. And I think you should too. Thats why I wrote this book. So dont be a dumbhead.

Now, lets get started.

Here are some things you will not learn in this book, but would make good names for rock bands:

I remember sitting in English class (thats what they called it back in prehistoric times) listening to Mrs. Zatzkus talk about subordinate clauses, nominatives, and subjunctive whatchamacallits. Well, youre not going to hear about any of that stuff in this book. Why not? Because I have no idea what any of those words mean. Oh, I tried to learn them, but it made no sense at all to me.

The good news is, it doesnt matter. You dont need to know everything to get your point across. Ive written a hundred books, and I wouldnt know what a possessive pronoun was if it fell on my head.

In this book, youre not just going to learn a bunch of boring grammar rules. Youre going to learn how to communicate. Youre going to learn how to write.

How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live.

Henry David Thoreau

This is the question that authors hear more than any other. The answer is that we get our ideas from everywhere. We read the newspaper, watch TV, listen to the radio, and surf the internet.

Your teacher probably tells you to write about what you like and about what you know. Thats exactly correct. Write about things that are meaningful to you. An old family story. A treasured object. A relative. An important moment in your life. The time you moved. An embarrassing event. Something youre afraid of. The best thing that ever happened to you. The worst thing that ever happened to you. A favorite pet, living or dead. That time you did that dumb thing and got into trouble.

Look for things that happened to you in real life, interesting people youve met, or weird things that went on at school. Observe the world around you. Keep an eye out for things that are unusual, funny, or different.

Ill add something to that. Dont just write about what you know. Write about what you want to know. Be curious.

When I visit a school, I usually have lunch with a group of kids like you. Sometimes, the kids are shy because they think they have nothing to say.

So I came up with a little trick. I ask, Did any of you ever break a bone? Instantly, all the hands shoot up. Suddenly, everyones competing to tell me a story. Ryan remembers the time he jumped off his bed and cracked his head open. Kaylee tells me about the time her brother drove the shopping cart into the ditch and spent the night in the hospital. Jules brings up the time he fell off his bike and... well, you get the idea.

Chances are, something very interesting happened to you at some point in your life. It just may be something worth writing about.

Carry a notebook with you wherever you go. Jot down ideas. If you dont have a notebook, write on a napkin. Write on a piece of wood. Write on your hand. Mark my words, if you dont write it down, youre going to forget that great idea.