Rebecca Woolf - Rockabye: From Wild to Child

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Book:
Rockabye: From Wild to Child
Author:
Rebecca Woolf
Publisher:
Basic Books
Genre:
Books / Detective and thriller
Year:
2008
Rating:
4 / 5
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Rockabye: From Wild to Child: summary, description and annotation

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Rockabye is the lively memoir of a spontaneous young city-girl who becomes unexpectedly pregnant. That city-girl is Rebecca Woolf, who at 23, after the holy shit, I'm pregnant realization, decides to keep the baby, marry the boyfriend (in Vegas no less), and figure out how to wed her rock n' roll lifestyle and impending motherhood.

With humor, honesty, and renegade insight, Rebecca makes the transition from life as an odd-job doing commitment-phobic, chain-smoking, irresponsible party-girl to life as a work-at-home mother with a different kind of social life. Throughout, Rebecca doesn't relinquish the token qualities of her free-spirited, pre-baby self; rebelling against both the soccer mom, and young mother stereotypes, challenging herself to grow up without outgrowing her dreams, and most importantly embracing motherhood without a map.

Rockabye explores the coming together of mother and son and their mutual coming of age. How does Rebecca adapt to motherhood? By acting on instinct and maintaining a strong sense of self, breaking rules (sometimes her own) in the process and building her own adventures out of legos and alphabet blocks.

Rebecca Woolf: author's other books

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Table of Contents

FOR MY MOTHER AND MY SON.

MENTAL FIGHT MEANS
thinking against the current, not with it. It is our business to puncture gas bags and discover the seeds of truth.

Virginia Woolf

INTRODUCTION

On Unplanned Pregnancy, for a Friend

DEAR FRIEND,

I would congratulate you on your pregnancy but I know you dont know how to say thank you right now, and thats okay. Its okay to be afraid. Its okay to mourn your single life and all your yesterdays. Its okay to look in the mirror and find yourself unrecognizable, to feel as if youre sleepwalking, sick to your stomach, speechless. Theres nothing wrong with long silences and blank thoughts. There is nothing wrong with being afraid.

Forget morning sickness and weight gain and childbirththe hardest part is right now. Today. Trying to understand the largeness of the situation, accepting the truth, trusting the double lines on the pregnancy test, saying aloud Im pregnant. There is nothing more difficult than unknowingly crossing the line, becoming two people overnight, touching your body and coming to terms with the fact that inside, a face is forming and, with it, a new world, a giant door that leads to everywhere, a wild jungle and OH MY GOD. Yes, everything will be different now.

When I first found out I was pregnant I couldnt say it aloud for several days. I choked on my words and swallowed air in their place. It wasnt until I had written the words down on paper one hundred times that I could finally repeat them aloud. i. am. pregnant. Me, pregnant. I am going to have a baby. There is something alive in my body, and one day it will have a name. Holy shit! How is that possible?

Give yourself time. You do not need to tell anyone if you dont want to. You dont need to be excited yet. You dont need to plan your future. You only need to plan for the moment. For today. Get yourself through today, and tomorrow will be easier. And then next weeknext week you will feel differently. I promise. The first few days are the hardestthe most confusing, like in a dream.

It takes time to feel comfortable with a new friend, to get along with a roommate, to trust a strangerand so with the child growing inside of you, it is much the same. The key to any healthy relationship is time and faith and honesty. Be honest with yourself, and do not be afraid to be afraid.

Pregnancy was the most amazing physical experience of my life. I cannot imagine never experiencing those forty weeks of creation, the changes and the swelling of self. I cannot imagine my body without its stretched tattoos and belly flab. I cannot imagine my life without Archer.

I looked into your eyes today, and I so remembered the feeling. I remembered the fear, lack of control, and loss of power. I remembered what I was wearing when I found out, the way my hair looked, auburn roots coming through my black dye-job. Roots that have since grown out completely. I remember feeling like my life was over. The end.

And I looked into your eyes, at your hair, and thought, You too will remember this moment. You will remember what you were wearing, faded workout pants and sneakers. The banana clip in your hair. You will remember the smell of my car when I picked you up. You will remember the way the world suddenly looked different. A shade off. A new tint. You will remember it like it was yesterdayas the turning point in your life.

I dropped you off at home so you could be alone with your thoughts and your body and your boyfriend. And when I came home I looked into Archers eyes and saw all that lovemy perfect sonand I thought of you, because soon, thirty-two weeks from now, you will feel like you just made a wish and it came true. You will look into the eyes of your child and see a beginningthe beginningand you wont believe you thought this new life meant saying goodbye to yourself. And I will congratulate you again, and in a whole new way, you wont know what to say. You will be speechless.

Most definitely your life has changed directions. Most definitely I know that you will find your way.

ALWAYS YOUR FRIEND,
REBECCA WOOLF
OCTOBER 2006

HOLY SHIT,

Im Pregnant

I MUST BE DRUNK or on drugs or dreaming. My breasts are not sore and the nausea Ive been feeling is just a weeklong hangover. I had a lot to drink last week at the Three of Clubs. Five rounds or so.

There is no way I can be pregnant.

I light up a cigarette and lean out the window of my bedroom. My hands are shaking. My tattoos itch. They always itch when Im nervous, rising up from my skin like swollen bug bites.

Im not pregnant, I say aloud.

My roommate knocks on my bedroom door. Are you talking to me?

I dont answer. I quickly hide the pregnancy test and its double yellowed lines under a towel and mumble something about going for a drive as I trip out the door.

I roll down the windows of my silver Volkswagen and merge onto Santa Monica Boulevard. The summer wind is thick with smog and mariachi music. Its Friday night. My friends and I will be meeting at the bar in an hour. I cant be pregnant. Im meeting Mitzi and Terra for vodka tonics and darts at ten oclock.

I pull into Rite-Aid and forget to lock my car. Sometimes I forget to press the button on my keychain. Sometimes I press the button and it doesnt lock. Damn Volkswagens. I pull my hooded sweatshirt over my head and wrap my hair around my neck. I dont want anyone to notice that I was just here, not even an hour ago. Twice in one night. Buying pregnancy tests from the Asian man with the thick accent and knowing eyes.

I pace near the explicit materials aisle, condoms ribbed for her pleasure beside the Astroglide beside the Clearblue Easy Pregnancy Tests beside the calling cards. I cant figure out what calling cards are doing next to the condoms. When the condoms break, when the lube dries, when Im feeling sad, I simply make a long-distance call to Japan and then I dont feel so bad.

I make up songs in my head when Im afraid, and right now Im scared out of my mind. I want to break out of the moment, climb up the walls and hide behind the fluorescent lights in the ceiling so I can watch women in my position and see what they do. See if they notice the calling cards that methodically line the isle of embarrassment and horror. We never used a condom. It was stupid.

I can feel the eyes of wandering patrons, people pretending not to stare. I know they are pretending not to stare because I do the same thing. We all have eyes in the backs of our heads. We all lead9 double lives as spies.

Why couldnt we have used a condom? Why do I do such stupid things?

I casually reach for the e.p.t. test, knocking over several tubes of K-Y Jelly. I restock the boxes on the shelf and make my way to the register.

You were just here, yes? the pharmacist asks.

Yeah but I bought a generic test. It was cheaper. I have to be sure.

He nods. Is okay?

I nod back. Im fine. It must have been broken. I just want to buy a few extras to make sure. I dont know which brand is the most trusted.

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