Rachael Brownell - Mommy Doesnt Drink Here Anymore: Getting Through the First Year of Sobriety

Brownell's evocative and poignant Mommy Doesn't Drink Here Anymore is the story of every woman, a redemptive coming of age memoir as challenging as it is healing; a support group in prose. A triumph for all women. Rebecca Woolf, author of Rockabye: From Wild to Child

Rachael Brownell's true story of her journey into those first 12 months of recovery is a candid mirror. Written straight from her heart, Brownell understands the denial, fear, guilt and shame. She also conveys the pride she gained as she continued in her recovery. Comfort, encouragement and support are interwoven with her words. A gift for anyone who is seeking their own Truth regarding addiction and recovery. Barbara Joy, author of Easy Does It, Mom

Mommy Doesn't Drink Here Anymore is an excellent read. I was absolutely entranced by Brownell's journey, her wit, her honesty, her special connection to Ted (her recovery soul mate), and the many women who helped her stay sober. And I was so relieved that she got the message. Her story touched me deeply, not just because I am a woman in recovery, but because a story of hope resonates. This book deserves a wide audience. Karen Casey, Ph.D., author of Each Day a New Beginning and Change Your Mind and Your Life Will Follow

Mommy Doesn't Drink Here Anymore not only gives readers insight into the effects of addiction on the entire family, but solutions for those in the grips of family trauma. Rachael's journey, well written with wit, humor, and brutal honesty, is a must-read. Barb Rogers, author of Twenty-Five Words and Keep It Simple and Sane

First published in 2009 by Conari Press,

an imprint of Red Wheel/Weiser, LLC

With offices at:

500 Third Street, Suite 230

San Francisco, CA 94107

www.redwheelweiser.com

Copyright 2009 by Rachael Brownell. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without permission in writing from Red Wheel/Weiser, LLC. Reviewers may quote brief passages.

ISBN: 978-1-57324-409-1

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available upon request.

Cover and text design by Sara Gillingham.

Typeset in Hoefler Text and Knockout.

Cover and interior illustrations Sara Gillingham, 2009

Printed in Canada

TCP

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My name is Rachael and I couldn't possibly be an alcoholic. I am a well-educated, reasonably well-adjusted, thirty-nine-year-old woman with a home and a family, children, a good job, and ambition. I drink sometimes to unwind and to give myself a treat after a long day shuttling kids, working, making dinner, folding laundry, and sweeping floors, but I keep it under control. I manage all right.

I am on the cusp of middle age, with the usual questions about the meaning of life and how to balance work and children. I wonder how it has happened that my friends and I have become mothers; we used to be English and Politics majors, clasping Edith Wharton and French feminist theory to our chests as we ran across campus to meet our lovers. We used to think we could do anything with enough hard work and smarts.

This confidence has only now started to rub off, but I figure it's par for the course and about time anyway. My college roommate and I reminisce about those bygone days. We laugh about how quickly twenty years flew by.

I am not an alcoholic. And yet, I love to drink. I am in love with drinking. And I have absolutely no idea how this has happened. I am scared that something is falling away.

My heart? My drive? My joy?

I learn later that alcohol abuse is a symptom of a greater disease, a spiritual disease that renders us incapable of accessing our better, more loving selves. This certainly was the case for me and for many others like me.

I'm not here to tell you that you're an alcoholic and that you're doing your life all wrong. I'm not here to tell you that you should take better care of yourself, run 4 miles a day, give up expensive shoes and crazy lovin', or that you'll lose everything if you keep up with the bad actions and the hooch and the swearing. I'm also not here to tell you that you are a bad mother or father if you need alcohol to get you through those long hard evening hours, or that in your secret heart you sometimes wonder where your life went. Believe me, I truly understand.

I am here to tell you that you and I are more alike than you might first believe. I am at your PTA meetings and your place of work, bagging your groceries, making your latte, caring for your parents, cleaning your carpets, writing your legal documents, and planning your retirement. In offices and Laundromats and kitchens across the land, I and others like me often suffer in silence, believing that if we come forward we'll be shunned, shamed, and judged. We often fear there is no safe haven and nowhere to turn but toward a glass of booze (or ten) or a line or some pills. We believe that to drink or use makes the best sense given what we've been through; that we're justified in our actions and you couldn't possibly understand.

We, addicts and alcoholics, often live in a world of quiet misery and shame, particularly if we're parents, and we often wonder whether we should end it all and save ourselves and others the unnecessary misery of knowing us. We are people like you, but in the extreme.

We harbor secret dreams and desires. We shut ourselves off from judgment and risk. We use alcohol or drugs to kill the pain. We might drink for years normally, able to put it aside for months at a time, but then something will shift and all of a sudden we need alcohol to do our lives. It will happen gradually and we might not even notice. But the signs are there: bottles hidden around and horded, daily hangovers, an inability to stop at just one drink, an increasing irritability or depression, and an unwillingness to stop.

But you don't have to have a problem with alcohol (or anything at all) to read this book. You can be the happiest, most well-adjusted person on the planet, with taut thighs, low blood pressure, and a daily yoga practice, with not a care in the world. Even you might enjoy this book.

You might get something out of this book if:

• You are an adult child of an alcoholic.
• You fear your significant other might have a problem with drugs and/or alcohol.
• You love someone who is in recovery or who you think drinks too much.
• You look good on the outside, but feel utterly miserable and lost on the inside.
• You drink or use drugs a little more than you think you should.
• You like to hear about people who make bigger mistakes than you'd ever dream of making in your own life.

This book would not exist without Amber (who had the idea in the first place) and the wonderful people at Red Wheel/Weiser and Conari Press who strive to make the world better through the published word. This book would not be possible without the loving support of my brothers, my parents, my husband, and my children.

I owe a debt of undying gratitude to the people in my home group, who loved me when I could not love myself, who generously shared their stories, their bad coffee, and their time. Particular thanks to Diana, Vida, and Paul. Thanks also especially to Jill, who saved me from myself and helped me laugh during those first 30 days, and to Carla, without whom this first year would have been much less rich.