Phil Schwarzmann - How to Marry a Finnish Girl - Everything You Want to Know about Finland, that Finns Wont Tell You
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- Book:How to Marry a Finnish Girl - Everything You Want to Know about Finland, that Finns Wont Tell You
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Gummerus Publishers
Phillip Schwarzmann and Gummerus Publishers 2011
Third edition
ISBN 978-951-20-8613-9 (printed book)
ISBN 978-951-20-8697-9 (e-book)
To Anja, my Finnish girl
the only woman Ive ever loved,
and ever will love.
Phil Schwarzmann has lived in Finland for...too long. He came to Finland for love, and ten years later hes still in love. He works for a large Finnish mobile phone manufacturer that shall remain nameless. His Finnish is terrible because he graduated from American public schools. In his free time he performs stand-up comedy and blogs about Finland. His dog has his own Facebook page. He lives in Helsinki with his Finnish girlfriend. He wrote a book about marriage but is not, and never was, married. He has a love-hate relationship with Finlandits complicated. It has something to do with the winters.
Dont take anything he says or writes too seriously.
Read more about Phil from www.philschwarzmann.com or follow him on Twitter @philschwarzmann.
Congratulations on your purchase of How to Marry a Finnish Girl ! Or maybe I should say Congratulations on borrowing this book from a friend! Or maybe its better to say Congratulations on grudgingly accepting this book from a friend! And now every time you see that friend, she will ask how you enjoyed the book. You promise to read it soon! You see that friend once more, she again asks hows the bookyou respond the same. After a few more times, you HATE that friend, and avoid her whenever possible. Once a best friend, this person is now your archenemyall thanks to this book.
This book guarantees that you will marry a Finnish girl in thirty days or less! She may not be the most beautiful girl in Finland, but she will be more attractive than anyone you could snag in your homeland. She will also be able to gut a fish quicker than anyone from your town. Can any other book offer you that? No.
Thirty Days? Thats fast!
Yes, if you follow the instructions thoroughly, and laugh at all the cleverly-crafted jokes, youll be at your wedding thirty days from now. In fact, by the end of this chapter, you will kiss your first Finnish girl. In twenty-four hours, you will enjoy a sauna with her. Naked. In seventy-two hours you will have moved into her 30sq/m apartment. In two weeks you both will have moped around the house for several days without talking. And after sixty days she will bear your first-born child. Guaranteed.
@philschwarzmann The definition of a good sense of humor is someone who laughs at your bad jokes.
Unlike any other book, How to Marry a Finnish Girl takes you through the REAL Finland experiencethe experience Finns dont want you to know about.
By the end of chapter one, you will have purchased a one-way ticket to Finland and won the lottery. By the end of chapter two, you will have found an apartment and been featured on the front page of Finlands trashiest tabloid. By the end of chapter three you will have survived Juhannus and avoided serving in the Finnish army. By the end of chapter four youll know which tastes better, McDonalds or Hesburger. By the end of chapter five youll be fighting off Finnish women with a stick. By the end of chapter six youll get paid to surf Facebook all day. By the end of chapter seven youll not only be speaking Finnish, youll be teaching it. And by the end of chapter eight youll be on holiday at Finlands Disneyworld.
When a Finn asks, How do you like Finland? there is but one answer, and one answer only. I LOVE IT! Feel free to use expletives. I FUCKING LOVE IT! Finns find English curse words acceptable and humorous.
Finns love to hear foreigners thoughts on their country, but only the good things. After decades of being painfully ignored by the world, Finland would rather remain ignored than be criticized. Foreigners are allowed to list all the great stereotypical aspects of Finland: The midnight sun, lush forests, clean air and water, safe cities, great skiing, great schools, a strong army, fantastic welfare benefits, the best hockey in the world, and of course, Finnish women.
While Finns complain about Finland all day longforeigners are forbidden to join in. Foreigners may only joke about a few aspects of Finland: reindeer-piss beer, quiet Finns, high taxes, mmmi, drinking habits, the KKK-Market, long winters, Danny, and of course, Finnish women.
How to Marry a Finnish Girl respectfully ignores any unwritten rules and taboos placed upon foreigners. Those who were expecting yet another brouhaha book about Finland will be disappointed. Though this book is full of stereotypes, generalizations, over simplifications, cynicism, exaggerations, and outright liesFinns are, above all, honest, self-depreciative, and have the best sense of humor in the worldthey, and you, will hopefully enjoy these observations. And maybe laugh a little on the way.
But just to be safe, dont let Finns read this book. Please dont show it to members of Perussuomalaiset either.
@philschwarzmann If you live in a country long enough that you write a book about itits too long.
Throughout How to Marry a Finnish Girl youll come across a few reoccurring characters. Lets go through them.
You came to Finland for love. Or maybe Nokia. Or maybe both. Or maybe you love death metal, hockey, or F1. Maybe your family migrated to Minnesota or Australia and you have a calling to return to the motherland. Maybe youre taking advantage of free school in Finland. Maybe free unemployment checks.
Youre in your twenties, kinda smart, kinda dumb, kinda tired of where you been living the past twenty years. You didnt choose Finland, Finland chose you. But youre here now and plan to make the most of ita plane ticket home is not an option. You came to Finland as one person, and will leave as another. You may not have come to Finland for love, but its the reason you stay.
Mari is what brought you to Finland. Mari is what keeps you in Finland. Mari is why you left Finland. Mari is not your typical Finnish woman. When you first met it was something out of a fairytale. She was the most beautiful thing youd ever seen. Nothing has brought you more joy in your lifeshes the best thing to ever happen to you.
Pekka is your quintessential Finnish man. A man of many thoughts, but few words. Pekka loves you, thats why you moved here, but theres nothing he loves more than competitive sports, a gadget to fix, a beer in the sauna, and solitude alongside a lake.
STORY: My name is Phil, but all my neighborhood kids think its Pili. On my way to work each morning they say moi moi, Pili! as they laugh. I cant believe I moved to the only country in the world where my name means penis. We Phils dont get any respect in Finland or elsewhere. In films, if a character named Phil is introduced halfway through the movie, hes about to get shot. We Phils dont last very long in movies. Its never Phil the Barbarian or Phil Claude Van Damme.
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