Joel Willans - 101 Very Finnish Problems: The Foreigners Guide to Surviving in Finland

When you dont get invited to the Presidents Independence Day ball

Finland is one the worlds youngest countries. After 800-odd years suffocating in the loving embrace of Sweden, and then another 108 trying to escape that of Russia, it finally gained independence in 1917. Unfortunately, after waiting nearly a millennium to be footloose and fancy free, Independence Day came in December. This is a month so dark that people spend most of the time cosying up at home, adorning their houses with fake sunshine lamps and drinking gl gi . Maybe this is one reason why the glittering Presidents Independence Day ball is such a big deal.

Most countries Independence Day is an excuse to get wasted and bombard the sky with a fury of fireworks. Not in Finland. Here people gather around their TVs to watch the countrys chosen few make merry at the presidents castle. Finland must be the only country in the world where people celebrate Independence Day by watching other people party. As if this werent agonizing enough, the spectacle begins by broadcasting the painfully slow advance of a 1500-people-long queue.

Yep, Finland, one of the worlds most egalitarian societies, celebrates its emancipation by ogling people pretending to be aristocrats. These privileged few wait all their lives to be invited only for their dress sense and etiquette to be savaged by commentators and newspapers alike. God forbid if you accidentally show a nipple, dont wait for your boyfriend to finish shaking the presidents hand, leave your spoon in the coffee cup when drinking from it or wear your medals on the wrong side of your chest.

While most people get that this national orgy of voyeurism is a little silly, deep down everyone yearns for an invitation: its as precious as Willy Wonkas golden ticket. To get invited to this event is ultimate proof that youve made it. Your life is complete. You are, officially, one of Finlands finest. What if that lion-crested envelope doesnt arrive, hand-delivered on a silver platter by a phalanx of Suomi gentleman soldiers? Oh well, theres always next year.

When you cant live without your mobile and internet

Finland is famous for many things, but theres one Finnish creation thats been used by more people on the planet than anything else: the Nokia mobile phone. Of course, Nokia released literally hundreds of designs during its time as king of mobile, and seven of these are on the top ten list of the most sold mobile phones ever. Together, the top two, the Nokia 1100 and Nokia 1110, were bought by over a half billion people. Unsurprisingly then, that for least a decade practically everyone in Finland had a Nokia mobile. Whilst still living in London at the end of the 90s, I even remember reading a tabloid story about the town of Nokia. (Yes, Nokia, is somewhat unoriginally named after a town, site of its second wood pulp mill established way back in 1865.) In the article, the journalist marvelled at the fact that all the children had mobile phones. Remember, this was a time in the UK when mobile phones were still mainly the preserve of drug dealers, rich kids and city traders. What surprised me reading this, other than the fact Id always thought Nokia was Japanese, was the percentage of people who had mobile was something like 90%.

So, thanks to Nokia, Finns have been one of the worlds most connected societies for a very long time. Its doubtless for this reason that Finland was the first country in the world to make access to broadband a legal human right. This desire to be constantly connected is also enhanced by those long dark winters and the Finnish instinct to avoid people unless absolutely necessary. While every country has a problem with smartphone and internet addiction, Finns have been flicking their phones longer than most, and its very common to see a couple having a romantic dinner by phone light rather than candle light. One consequence of this is that Finns get very fidgety if theyre not online. Even in the forest amongst all that wilderness they normally have super speed broadband connections. If you happen to be in a situation where a Finn has lost their phone or cant get online, be sure to keep your distance. It might be the only time you see a Finn get really angry.

When your children need a wee after getting dressed for winter

We all know that Finnish winters get really, really cold. What is less well known, unless you live here, is the extra hours of work these Arctic conditions add to your life. If youre lucky enough to live in a beautifully warm country with perpetual sunshine and blue skies, you simply need to pop on shorts and a T-shirt and youre good to go. For nine months of the year, if you do this in Finland, you die. This means you need to wrap up super, duper warm, which means lots and lots of layers. In nature, you can tell the age of a tree by the rings on its trunk. In Finland, you can tell the age of the year by how many layers you need to wear. This way of dressing is tedious enough when youre an adult, so imagine the mental anguish suffered when dressing a five-year-old. Take a bow, Lotte.

As a proud father of two fantastic children, Ive had the great pleasure of learning this the hard way. Happily, both of my kids are now old enough to get their winter survival kit on unaided. Yet those minus 20 days are still fresh in my memory the days when you know that if you dont cover up your kids well enough, they might come back from day care with their little fingers frozen off, or with no feeling in the end of their nose. Its for this reason, no matter how late for work you are, that you take care to wrap those little bundles of joy up as warmly as possible. And warmly means lots and lots of layers. After lots of huffing and puffing on your part and high-pitched howling on the childs part, because the layers are too tight, too loose, too itchy or simply tangled, you pull up the final zipper. But it aint over yet. This is when your little lady decides she wants to change her stockings, because theyre the wrong shade of pink. Hurrah, youre back to square one.

Finally, an hour later, you breathe a huge sigh of relief and open the door to leave. Then she fires off the worst words imaginable: I need a wee.

You look up at the ceiling and let forth a silent roar of rage. Taking numerous deep breaths, you take your child to the toilet and begin to peel away the myriad layers of clothes. You know any chance of making day care and work on time is now gone and that youll be lucky to leave the house before midday. This is one of those 21 st century occasions where Finns can make use of their legendary sisu. For us mere mortals, we can only avoid having children, take the family south for the winter, or just suck up the fact winter means leaving the house at the speed of a sloth.

When health service is so good you never want to leave

In the UK, people are understandably very proud of the NHS, or National Health Service. Its the worlds largest, oldest and most efficient single-payer healthcare system, and despite consistent attempts by the British Conservative party to privatise it and sell it off, its still going strong. Yet, seven years of Tory government cuts have taken their toll. Combine this with an aging and growing population and there are occasions when the NHS can be just a little creaky. Some of the equipment has seen better days. You might have to wait a while for an appointment. Theres a few Victorian built hospitals that could do with an upgrade. Its for this reason that when I first made use of the Finnish National Health service, my mind was blown.

Going to the dentist is never a trip I relish. I expect drilling and scraping, with the possibility of extreme pain thrown into the mix. So, it was with inevitable trepidation that I pushed open the door to the dentists office. What I saw made my mouth drop open. It felt as if Id strolled into the 22 nd century. If Luke Skywalker would have needed a filling in Star Wars, hed have been treated in a place like that. I sat on the ergonomic robot chair, admiring the brushed aluminium fittings, while being dazzled by the sparkling white of everything. When I lay back, the chair moved to accommodate me. A whirl of hi-tech equipment zipped around my mouth. Water jets soothed my gums. The result, no pain, uber clean teeth and a tiny bill. This was my first taster.