Michael Sparrow - Repeat Prescription

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PRESCRIPTION

More Riotous Stories from the
Country Practice

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Country Doctor

Hilarious True Stories from

a Country Practice

More Riotous Stories from the
Country Practice

ROBINSON

London

Constable & Robinson Ltd

5556 Russell Square

London WC1B 4HP

www.constablerobinson.com

First published in the UK by Robinson,
an imprint of Constable & Robinson, 2004

Copyright Michael Sparrow 2004

The right of Michael Sparrow to be identified as the author of this work has been asserted by her in accordance with the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988

All rights reserved. This book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out or otherwise circulated in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser.

A copy of the British Library Cataloguing in
Publication Data is available from the British Library

ISBN: 978-1-78033-052-5
eISBN 978-1-47211-222-4

Printed and bound in the EU

3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2

Cover copyright Constable & Robinson

For Teresa, Natalia and Archie

... and in memory of my friend John Pitchford, who died whilst on holiday in Australia in February 2003 and must surely have earned his own mention in the book of Famous Last Words.

I wish I could stop coughing, he said to his wife, Margot, and sadly he did...

With thanks to my dedicated, committed, supportive... well, my staff, anyway, in (hopefully) chronological order Jenny, Chris, Mandy, Karen, Tessa, Debbie, Lesley, Alison and Jo, for muddling along as best they can through both the difficult times, and the very difficult ones.

My thanks also to the un-named member of the Launceston Camera Club, who if I had ever needed it helped me keep my feet firmly on the ground.

When asked by my friend Jon Hicks if he would like a signed copy of my first book he merely grunted, Huh cant get a ruddy appointment with him any time now, hes too busy doing bloody interviews.

Ill put you down as a maybe, then Jon, shall I?

There are today, as I am sure we would all agree, a whole host of excellent and exceptionally detailed tourist guides for any traveller visiting exotic locations around the world. Take your choice Namibia, Montenegro, South America... Eurodisney, Bognor Regis and yes, even you, Mrs Irene Stapleton at Number 43 Stamford Drive, Blackpool all of them comprehensively catered for and expounded upon in the greatest detail.

The list is endless, but nowhere as I have recently discovered after a lengthy and exhaustive investigation is the one beacon of light that all my devoted readers have been most in need of.

How neglected the three of you have been.

I give you therefore my own indispensable contribution to the uncharted territories of the scarily unknown universe, namely:

It can be a traumatic affair, consulting your local doctor sometimes even for the patients, as well. Here are a few tips on how to survive.

1. Making an appointment

Try to book well in advance before you are ill, preferably. If however that is impractical then aim to book as late as possible, by which time you will have hopefully recovered from the ailment you wanted attending to in the first place. Ninety per cent of all the patients we see would recover without any interference from their GP whatsoever, whilst the remaining ten per cent sadly often have their illnesses prolonged by our intervention.

Observe the daily climatic changes an unexpectedly sunny day in a long, cold, rainy spell brings all the weak, infirm and terminally unemployed out into the open. What better way to pass the morning than a gentle gossip down at the surgery, wondering what affliction ails the young man in the corner who seems unable to sit down for more than a few moments at a time?

In much the same way a stormy midsummer day draws in the dedicated No point in going to the beach, and not a good time to go shopping malingerers. I know, they nod sagely to each other, lets get ourselves down to the doctors. Its generally warm and dry in there...

Dont whatever you do make the mistake of one of our patients who recently rang demanding an appointment for a time when she wouldnt have to wait. We gave her one just after lunchtime, knowing full well both doctors would be out on their afternoon visits. She subsequently left, thoroughly disgruntled, after sitting alone for an hour in an empty waiting room.

Well, she didnt have to wait, I reasoned thoughtfully on my return. She could have turned round and gone straight home again.

2. Arriving at the surgery

Try smiling at the receptionists immediately upon entering the building. They will be so taken aback by this unusual approach that they will help you in any way they can... which in many surgeries, including our own, is unfortunately not very much at all.

Always make sure you have dressed appropriately for the consultation so many of them are videoed for training purposes these days, and would you really want to be caught on film in that? And no more than three layers of clothing, please, especially in the depths of winter, and never wear a tight-fitting dress if you need your abdomen examined... which applies to all you women out there, as well.

3. Entering the waiting room

Look around carefully before choosing your seat.

Avoid positioning yourself next to anyone who catches your eye as you walk in they will want to talk to you about how painful their haemorrhoids are, not yours. Try and gauge who might be interested in your revolutionary approach to chronic nasal discharge.

Examine meticulously the topography of the entire area. If all those patiently waiting are huddled together in one corner of the room whilst one poor soul sits in splendid isolation in another, avoid him or her like the plague. They may have it.

Observe them intently for signs of small insect infestation, and if they are not actively scratching, then you will have your answer. They will almost certainly smell horribly of stale urine, and be staining the seats.

Double check on anyone who appears to be asleep, to make sure they are still breathing.

4. Consulting your doctor

Glance surreptitiously at the television on the bookcase immediately upon entering the consulting room to see whether it is switched on. If the volume is fully turned up it is indubitably a bad sign. Be very afraid of consulting doctors such as myself during an English Test Match, the World Cup or any rugby international, unless you are comfortable with profane and abusive language.

Abstain from all extremes of emotion wherever possible. You may occasionally allow yourself a sympathetic smile should your GP make a passing attempt at a joke we need all the encouragement we can get but dont for goodness sake ever dissolve into tears. We none of us will know how to cope, and you cannot guarantee all the tissues in the box will be fresh ones particularly if it is the end of the week.

Try not to anticipate a definitive diagnosis we deal primarily in funny turns, viruses and theres a lot of it about whatever it may prove to be and are not generally forthcoming with precise definitions of your ailments unless there is a good laugh to be had somewhere at your expense. I find a good case of scabies cheers me up no end, with a boil on the bum coming a close second.