Rebecca Sparrow - Ask Me Anything: Heartfelt Answers to 65 Anonymous Questions from Teenage Girls

For the past few years Rebecca Sparrow has been a weekly columnist at mamamia.com.au. Her first novel, The Girl Most Likely (2003), is in development to become a feature film. Her second, The Year Nick McGowan Came to Stay (2006), debuted as a stage play in 2007. Her most recent book, Find Your Feet (the 8 Things I Wish Id Known Before I Left High School) (2013), is the companion guide to the bestselling Find Your Tribe (and 9 Other Things I Wish Id Known in High School) (2009). Rebecca is an ambassador for GIVIT: Goods for Good Causes and The Pyjama Foundation. She lives in Brisbane with her family. You can find Bec wasting time on Facebook at Rebecca Sparrow Online or at rebeccasparrow.com.

Also by Rebecca Sparrow

The Girl Most Likely

The Year Nick McGowan
Came to Stay

Find Your Tribe (and 9 Other Things I Wish Id
Known in High School)

Find Your Feet (the 8 Things I Wish Id Known
Before I Left High School)

For Ava, Fin and Quincy
who ask me everything.

And for Georgie who listens.

Contents

Go on. Ask me
anything

Thats what I say to the hundreds of teenagers I speak to every year when Im giving high school talks. Sometimes Ill be talking about writing. Sometimes Ill be talking about perfection or friendships or resilience. And sometimes Ill be talking about why I do not recommend that you get married in Vegas and then keep your wedding a secret (thats a story for another time, TRUST ME). Whatever topic Im discussing, I pretty much always end with a question and answer session. Now since nobody ever likes to ask the first question I always say, You can ask me ANYTHING. And students realise they can ask me about my first failed marriage (in Vegas), or how much money I earn, or whether I believe in God.

But of course there are some questions nobody is game to ask. Those deeply personal questions that eat you up inside and that you cant bear to say out loud because youre worried about what everyone else will think.

So thats why I decided to write this book.

I started collecting anonymous questions from teenage girls. Get out a piece of paper, Id say at the end of my talks. Write down the one secret question you wish I would answer for you. Dont let the person next to you see what youre writing. And DONT put your name on it.

Then I would go home and unscrunch the pieces of paper and read questions that would make me think and laugh and sometimes cry. Questions about friendship, (so many questions about friendship), love, dating, God, sex, school, family all of it. All the questions included in this book are real, and in the exact wording in which I received them.

The point of this book is to remind you that youre not alone. And whatever question is keeping you up at night, chances are thousands of other teenagers are lying awake wondering the very same thing.

Several times in the book youll also notice that I handball the question over to someone else to answer. That someone else may be an expert on the topic in question or, more often, just a person I admire and who I know gives fabulous advice. Thats the thing. Theres nothing quite like a bit of collective wisdom when it comes to talking about heartache or love or loss or whether or not its wise to get revenge on a guy who dumped you.

I hope this book is helpful to you. And I hope it makes you feel less alone. You, my dear, are not the only one who is struggling to know what to do about a brutal friendship or a secret crush or a painful drama at home.

If you do continue to feel confused about what to do after reading this book, I hope you reach out to an adult you trust. If not a parent, then talk to a teacher, an aunt or an uncle, a school counsellor, a youth group leader or even one of those friendly voices on the other end of the phone at Kids Helpline. At the back of the book youll find a huge list of websites to go to for help.

So, are you ready to find out what other teenagers asked me? Read on

Friendship

How do I tell a girl I dont like her?

Easy, Tiger.

Im struggling to think of a situation where you actually need to go up to someone and say, Hey, do you know if our maths homework is due today and, by the way, I THINK YOU SUCK.

Honesty is important, but its equally important to treat each other with kindness.

So, theres someone at school you dont like and maybe you have good reason. The thing is, there is little to be gained from confronting someone and telling them you dont like them. Nobody takes that information well and, before you know it, your high school days have turned into the TV show Revenge . Nobody needs that. You have tests to study for.

Lets go through two possible scenarios where you are dealing with a girl whom you really dont like.

1. A girl you find irritating has started hanging around you and/or your group.

I know what youve done (or thought about doing). Youve hidden from her at lunch, ignored her in conversations, and rolled your eyes when she speaks. But shes still hanging around.

Heres the thing. You will come to really, really regret behaving like this. When youre older youll realise this girl was simply lonely or feeling lost. So until she finds friends from her own tribe (and eventually she will) the kind thing to do, the RIGHT thing to do, is to try seeing her great qualities instead of the annoying ones. Include her. Do I sound like your mother? Probably.

One day, you might be the girl at school or uni or work who needs a friend.

2. A mean girl wants to be your BFF.

What do you do when Cruella de Vil wants to be your new bestie? If you know her idea of fun is getting drunk in the park, trolling classmates on Instagram or skinning dalmatian puppies to turn them into a fur coat, what do you do if she asks you to hang out? Um, PASS, but politely and in person. If she keeps harassing you and even asks you, Dont you like me or something? then play the ball not the person. (Thats a sporting analogy, which means keep the focus on her BEHAVIOUR, not on her.)

For example, respond with Cruella, its not that I dont like you, its that I dont like how you treat people and, er, puppies. I think its cruel making fun of during lunch and I dont want to be your sidekick. Also, the RSPCA want to talk to you

I want to stress that when it comes to confrontations with your friends or anybody try to do it in person or over the phone rather than via text, email or any other form of social media which can then be shared. It is unethical (and in some cases ILLEGAL) to share messages or photos that have been sent to you without the authors consent. Dont be tempted to do it yourself. And, as much as possible, avoid writing anything you wouldnt want to see splashed across social media. Do I sound like I dont trust some of your friends? I dont.

As for this girl you dont like be guided by your integrity. That way, you cant go wrong.

I had a fight with my best friend and havent spoken to her in six months. Everyone wants me to forgive her, but I dont know what to do. Should I forgive her?

Yes, you should forgive her. And Ill tell you why. Because you dont need to be walking around with a bubble of resentment in your soul. Youre young. Youve got stuff to do. You dont need to be weighed down with festering anger towards your best friend. All that does is continue to make YOU feel bad.