Ross Petras - Stupid Sex

Also by Kathryn and Ross Petras

The 776 Stupidest Things Ever Said

The 776 Even Stupider Things Ever Said

The 776 Nastiest Things Ever Said

The 176 Stupidest Things Ever Done

A hardcover edition of this book was originally published in 1998 by Doubleday. It is here reprinted by arrangement with Doubleday.

Stupid Sex. Copyright 1998 by Kathryn and Ross Petras. All rights reserved. Printed in the United States of America. No part of this book may be reproduced or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, or by any information storage and retrieval system, without written permission from the publisher. For information, address: Broadway Books, a division of Random House, Inc., 1540 Broadway, New York, NY 10036.

BROADWAY BOOKS and its logo, a letter B bisected on the diagonal, are trademarks of Broadway Books, a division of Random House, Inc.

Visit our website at www.broadwaybooks.com

First Broadway Books trade paperback edition published 2001.

The Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data has cataloged the hardcover as:
Petras, Kathryn.
Stupid sex / Kathryn and Ross Petras. 1st ed.
p. cm.
Main Street books.
1. SexAnecdotes. 2. SexHumor.
I. Petras, Ross. II. Title.
HQ25.P47 1998
306.7dc21 98-3266

eISBN: 978-0-307-54761-3

v3.1

This book is a collection of humorous new articles gleaned from a variety of sources. Neither the author nor publisher accept any responsibility for the accuracy of the articles. All of the names used in the original articles have been changed; therefore, any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

The position is undignified, the pleasure momentary, and the consequences utterly damnable.
L ORD C HESTERFIELD ON SEX

L ord Chesterfield, that famous old bore, might have had a point. Not necessarily about regular sex, but about stupid sexthe sex acts that make you wonder about the general IQ levels of the human race.

What exactly is stupid sex? Its hard to define, but as the Supreme Court once said about pornography, you know it when you see it.

How else would you define the act of inserting a penis into a bowling ball? Or the idea of having sex withnot inthe family car? Or having sex in an airliner bathroom and then getting so stuck the door has to be pried offwhile several hundred fellow passengers watch with interest?

There are literally thousands of people out there having sex in the most undignified ways possible and with the most damnable consequences imaginable. And Stupid Sex has collected their stories.

Its a walk on the wild side of stupiditya compendium of the most absurd, the most inane, and the most ridiculous true examples of stupid sex and ludicrous lewd behavior. Stories about sex itself and stories about the accessories of sex, stories about the consequences of sex, stories about stories about sex

More specifically, Stupid Sex includes all of the different ways you can indulge in stupid sex and lewd behavior, like:

Surprise Sexa sexual variation on a surprise birthday party that usually goes terribly awry.

Case of Mistaken Identity Sexsomeone decides to surprise someone else with a fun, spontaneous sexual encounter but winds up getting surprised him or herself. This often happens to newlyweds, people on vacations, and those who have trouble seeing.

Technological Terror Sexa consequence of the Information Age, this is sex that becomes stupid because of the misuse of any number of technological devices, like answering machines, automatic phone dialers, or homemade computerized gadgets.

Wrong Place at the Wrong Time Sexsex that goes astray just because you happen to be on top of a cliff, stuck in a sports car, or in a massage parlor thats being raided.

Strange Spot Sexwhen where the sex takes place is what makes it stupid. This often happens to people who are indulging in a little solo action, although its also fairly common with people who are having a little fun on the side and dont want their mate to know.

Masturbation Madnessa catch-all type of stupid sex that typically involves a man and some sort of devicefrom pool nozzles to sink drains to vacuum cleaners.

Big Business Meets Sexthe bizarre consequences when money and sex interact.

The Strange Interaction Between Government and Sexstupid sex laws, communist sex, and odd legal maneuvering.

Its also about topless garages, unusual uses for spermicidal gel, and enema bandits. And, of course, its about the rugged individualists who ask the time-honored question: What would happen if I stuck it into this inanimate object? And finally its about those who go it alone with the help of a mechanical pallike a Veg-O-Matic or (but this is purely speculation) a trusty bovine electro-ejaculator.

Theyre all in herefrom the foolish fetishes to the ridiculous rendezvous. Its a potpourri of the most preposterous sexual encounters ever.

Enjoy.

On Adultery, Proving

A sales manager in Johannesburg, South Africa, definitely suspected his wife of adultery. But he needed proof to get a divorce.

So one day he came home from work very early and hid in the attic above their bedroom, waiting for his wife and her alleged lover to arrive.

Sure enough, at just the right hour, he heard his wife enter the bedroomwith a man. And, sure enough, very soon he could hear the sounds of passionate lovemaking.

The manager was so busy listening he didnt notice that he too was making noise. But his wife and her lover did. Hearing funny scratching sounds in the ceiling, they called the police.

The police managed to get into the attic from the outside of the house, where they found the husband. But because of the combined weight of the husband and the cop, the ceiling collapsed.

And then, in the words of the happy husband, Since we both fell on the bed where my wife was having intercourse with her cousin Denis, I was able to substantiate my allegation.

The divorce was granted.

A n operator at 911 received a phone call at 4:45 one morning from a desk clerk at a Florida motel. One of the guests was stuck in the swimming pool. When the 911 operator asked how, the clerk paused. It was kind of hard to explain

The police zipped to the scene and were greeted by the sight of a swimming pool with toilet paper floating aroundand a guest, thirty-three-year-old Stephen Dumond, half underwater. Upon closer examination, Officer Mel Johnson noticed that Dumonds pants were down to his knees and his penis was stuck in a suction hole in the pool wall. Under no circumstances contact my wife! Dumond started screaming, at the same time trying to pull himself out.

But nothing budged. The cops shut off the pump, but Dumond had gotten so swollen in his attempts at escape that he was completely stuck. Finally they had to call the underwater paramedics. They poured lubricant around the suction fitting and, after two hours of work, were able to free the fun-seeking Dumondwho still had an eighteen-foot piece of pipe stuck on his groin.