Ross Petras - 1, 2, Cant Reach My Shoe: A Counting Book for the Middle-Aged

This book is filled with special numbers. These numbers mean special things to all those special people who are middle-aged.

Yes, we mean people like you!

You see, we think that YOU are special and that you count!

(And youll count even better once you read this book!)

Just turn the pageand we can start!

Tony is upset. Dr. Weiner has told him that, now that he is middle-aged, he has to have no more than ONE glass of beer a day.

Just ONE? Tony says sadly.

A few weeks later, Dr. Weiner asks Tony how the new regimen is going.

You know, having just ONE glass is a whole lot easier than I thought! Tony says happily.

Something on Ursulas face has changed. Something is now TWO times as big as it used to be.

Can you tell what it is?

Yes. Youre right! Ursula was so tired of her thinning middle-aged lips that she got lip injections. Now her mouth can enter the room before she does!

It is DOUBLEthats TWO timesthe fun!

This is Dave. Dave has a lot of TWOs in his life. He has TWO eyes. He has TWO hands. He has TWO legs. And he has TWO childrenwho will be going to college.

Soon there will be another number in Daves life: 96,785.

That is the combined tuition, in dollars, for his TWO kids. It is a lot bigger than TWO. (That is why Dave is now working TWO jobs!)

Gee, its fun being a middle-aged dad!

When they first were going out in their twenties, Thaddeus and Theresa used to have sex THREE times each day.

Now that they are middle-aged, they still have sex THREE times.

A year.

Back in college, they used to call Ken the Kegmeister. That is because he could pound down those brewskis like nobodys business.

Ken has been having a lot of dreams about those days lately. Not the drinking part. But the aftermath, so to speak.

Yes, the ol Kegmeister has that wonderful middle-aged male problem. He has to get up several times every night

Can you guess how many times he has to get up?

(Hint: Look at the picture!)

There are a lot of FIVES in this picture. Can you find all of them?

First of all, there are FIVE bored people at Stanleys fifty-fifth birthday party. They are listening to the story Stanley is telling. The story is FIVE minutes long. Stanley has already told the story FIVE times. Maybe this is because Stanley has had FIVE drinks.

And, in FIVE minutes, Stanleys wifewho has heard the story at least FIVE thousand timeswill eighty-six him. But wait! Thats another number!

Im tired of looking saggy and middle-aged, Julia says. So she has decided to update her looks, using modern cosmetological science.

Can you guess how many modern cosmetological procedures Julia has had?

Lets count! (We counted SIX. What did you get?)

Can you guess how much money Julia has spent? (Um, lets just forget that number, Julia says hastily.)

Hey, those dont look like numbers! And youre right. They are symbols that are used with numbers. < means less than. > means more than.

And they are all over middle-aged Miltons doctors report.

It says I should have a total cholesterol <200. I should have HDL >60. I should have LDL <129. My systolic blood pressure should be <120 and my diastolic blood pressure should be <80.

Gee, Milton, that is a lot of more thans and less thans.

I know, says Milton. Im < thrilled!

This year, Sam got a wonderful Christmas present: a nice new cochlear implant!

It goes very nicely with his ceramic hip, his two artificial knees, his titanium shoulder, his plastic-and-metal elbow replacement hinge, and his mechanical mitral valve.

Wow! Sam has SEVEN new and improved body parts!

At this rate, soon Sam will be exactly like the wonderful Christmas present he got when he was SEVEN years old: Barton the Robot!

Terri and Tasha are in the middle of a middle-aged mystery.

Terri has always worn size EIGHT, but today at the store the size EIGHTs didnt fit! Could they all have been sized wrong? she asks Tasha.

Tasha has always worn size EIGHT, too. But today, all the size EIGHTs in her closet didnt fit! Could they all have mysteriously shrunk? she asks Terri.

Hmm. Or could there be another explanation?

This is called a range of numbers. It stands for the numbers 8, 9, 10, 11, and 12. But when you are middle-aged, they are not nice numbers. Ask Pamela, Jeffrey, Suzy, Frederick, and Zazz.

Why dont you like EIGHT TO TWELVE, gang?

Because, due to a slowing metabolic rate, middle-aged people can gain EIGHT TO TWELVE pounds every year even if they dont eat more than they used to, they say.