Kathryn Petras - B is for Botox: An Alphabet Book for the Middle-Aged

B Is for Botox copyright 2009 by Ross and Kathryn Petras. All rights reserved. Printed in China. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of reprints in the context of reviews. For information, write Andrews McMeel Publishing, LLC, an Andrews McMeel Universal company, 1130 Walnut Street, Kansas City, Missouri 64106.

E-ISBN: 978-0-7407-9023-2

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Arnold sees his favorite childhood toy, the Atomic Astro-Rocket, on Antiques Roadshow. It is officially an antique!

Hmm, thinks Arnold. Does this mean that now that Im middle-aged, Im officially an antique?

Hmm What do you think?

How does Babs manage to look so young? She doesnt have a single wrinkle on her forehead.

Is it yoga? Is it because her kids are in college and shes more relaxed?

Or is it Botox?

Only her dermatologist knows for sure.

(Of course, the fact that she cant move her eyebrows might be a hint)

When Carol and Carl were young, they would stay up late having conversations about fascinating things like philosophy, politics, and sex.

Now that they are middle-aged, they have conversations about different fascinating things

Isnt being middle-aged interesting?

Dan thinks he is a love machine. He thinks he is as hot now as he was at twenty-five and he thinks everyone else thinks so, too. Like that babe by the pool.

Do you think Dan is in denial?

Young Dr. Ed says Elises eyesight isnt what it used to be. She has presbyopia and needs trifocals.

Presbyopia? asks Elise.

It means your eyes are old, says young Dr. Ed.

No, says Elise. Its not that my eyes are old. Its that the print is smaller nowadays!

Ha-ha, laughs young Dr. Ed politely.

No, Frank, no! Dont eat that birthday cake! Its loaded with trans fat and saturated fat.

Dont you know what that will do to your LDL cholesterol, Frank? Not to mention your triglycerides?

How about a nice, heart-healthy birthday salad instead?

(Isnt it fun turning forty-nine?)

Glenda was going gray. Now Glenda is going red. Tomorrow Glenda may be going black.

Middle age is a wonderful time to learn all about colors!

Isaac Newton discovered gravity. Now that she is middle-aged, Grace has discovered gravity, too. But she is not as happy as Isaac was about this discovery.

For Grace, gravity does not mean falling apples, but falling Oh, never mind.

Harold used to listen to the Who at high volume. Now Harold cant hear Heather even when she hollers.

What? says Harold. Who? Whaddya say? Huh?

Inez is irritated. For the first time, a salesperson has called her maam instead of miss.

Im not a maam! she says.

Oh, Im sorry, umm, madam, says the salesperson.

No, not that kind of joint. The kind of joint that gets stiff.

No, not that kind of stiff, but the kind of stiff you get when youre middle-aged and you dont bother bending down to pick up a dime lying on the street.

Would you bend down to pick up a dollar, Jake?

Yes, says Jake. But not a quarter!

Look at Ken. Ken is happy. He invested the max in his 401(k). Now he has an expensive helicopter that brings new rich friends to his retirement mountain retreat.

Look at Kens old friend Kyle. He is not happy. He did not contribute to his 401(k). Now he is Kens butler.

Lisa has middle-aged spread. Lisa loathes her middle-aged spread.

Look! Lisa will lose her middle-aged spread! Lisa is getting liposuction.

Hooray for Lisa! Hooray for modern medicine! Hooray for suction-assisted fat removal!

Marge is at the mall parking lot.

Marge cant find her car keys. In fact, Marge cant find her car!

Marges memory is middle-aged. In other words, its marginal!