Kathryn Petras - Here Speeching American: A Very Strange Guide to English as it is Garbled Around the World

Here Speeching American KATHRYN PETRAS
&
ROSS PETRAS VILLARD / NEW YORK

Bad English... as spoken overseas. Written in the form of a tongue-in-cheek travel guide, it dishes up not helpful advice, but rather, examples of the best or worst, as the case may be, of English as she is spoke abroad. All of the examples of fractured English are (most painfully!) trueplucked from actual hotel room signs, travel brochures, restaurant menus, advertisements, and more. One quick note: We want to stress that language mangling is universal, and knows no specific country or culture. (You should hear us orderor attempt to orderfood in a Greek restaurant. (You should hear us orderor attempt to orderfood in a Greek restaurant.

As for French restaurants... well, lets not go there.) But thats another book.... This particular book is an excursion into the twilight zone of perilously flawed English communication overseas. The reader is urged to follow the instructions seen on a Namibian road sign: Danger Ahead Fasten Safety Belts And Remove Dentures Introduction S o youre going abroad... or planning to. Or thinking that you might be going abroad someday.

Sooner or later. Or, for that matter, perhaps you know someone who is going abroad... or planning to. Your bags (or theirs) are packed and you (or they) are ready to go, as Peter, Paul, and Mary (among others) once said. What else do you need but the right traveling companion? May we humbly suggest this guide? Its a valuable vade mecum, a better Baedekers, a fun Fodors. It guides you in your globe-trottingand, better yet, it lets those overseas locals speak to you, the intrepid tourist, in their own words. your new foreign friends! What better way to get to know the world than to travel? And what better way to travel better than to use this book! Well take you step-by-step through your tripfrom your flight to your hotel to local restaurants and sightseeing... and much more. and much more.

We guarantee one thing: Wherever youre going, your trip will be filled with memories. Priceless memories. And so, let us leave you with this wish: May every memory bring the feeling that you have not lived for anything. translation enclosed with a piece of Chinese calligraphy for tourists, Hong Kong Bon voyage! Air TravelY our trip abroad often begins before you set foot in your destination country. We are speaking, of course, of foreign airlines. What better way to immediately get to know the people and the culture, and to get a glimpse of the fun times youll soon be having, than flying on your host countrys national carrier? The first impression youll get of the country youll be visiting is from your flight crew.

They are carefully selected to be the perfect ambassadors. Duck feet? Youre out. Pigeon toes? Out! Bowlegs, pimples, warts, moles, dark skin, scars, bad breath? Out!... [And] they must be virgins. Hao Yu-ping, director of flight attendant school at China Air, describing the airlines requirements for flight attendants The stewardesses of Southwest Airlines must go through four steps, such as hardship, tiredment, dirt feeling. from the first edition of Chinese airline Southwest Civil Aviations Inflight Magazing [sic] And theyre trained to give you exceptionaleven exoticservice. from the first edition of Chinese airline Southwest Civil Aviations Inflight Magazing [sic] And theyre trained to give you exceptionaleven exoticservice.

Sir would you like some sauce on your balls? Singapore Airlines stewardess, quoted in Singapore newspaper The crew will want to make your flight as comfortable and safe as possible, so read the helpful material in the seat pocketand be assured of a relaxing, worry-free trip. Bags to be use in case of sickness of to gather remains. slogan on a Spanish airlines airsickness bag And an itch-free trip too! Dear Passenger, Wish you have a joyful journey! When you are in public talking and laughing and drinking and singing... living a happy life, suddenly you feel some part of your body is too itchy to endure. How embarrassed! Please dial fax 01-491-0253, you will gain an unexpected result. Air China brochure You may want to read the specifics of your flight for further reassurance.

International Fright Information airline timetable, China Airlines in-flight magazine Maximum cruising fright level in-flight magazine, China Eastern Airlines So settle back and dip into that in-flight magazine. What a wonderful way to begin your vacation! Enjoy French odor in the South Pacific. from a French airline (UTA) and government of New Caledonia ad Wed like to offer our affection as a gift by the white bird on sky to every genuinely go the same may together with you. This is our only requite to you. dedication, Xiamen Airlines in-flight magazine, China Take this opportunity to read about the sights youll soon be seeing. looking all over Vietnamese country, thats land of scenic beauty, an important metropolistes indeed for four directions to gatter and the first rank of city merined to be regarded as Capital forever. in-flight magazine, Vietnam Incest sticks hang from the ceiling of a Taoist temple. in-flight magazine, Vietnam Incest sticks hang from the ceiling of a Taoist temple.

Morning Calm, in-flight magazine, Korean Air What an informative and exotic learning experience! And get ready for an exotic eating experience too! Were not talking little foil packets of Planters Peanuts... Fduhy Sesane China Airlines (CAAC) snack food We will now be serving snakes. Singapore Airlines stewardess, quoted in Singapore newspaper Near the end of the flight, youll often be handed an immigration card. Its times like these you may find yourself wishing youd paid more attention in eighth-grade French (not to mention Chinese). Fill in the card clearly in the following languages: Chinese, English, French and Spanish. instructions on immigration form, China And remember any special instructions about disembarking you may have received. instructions on immigration form, China And remember any special instructions about disembarking you may have received.

Upon arrival at Kimpo and Kimahie Airport, please Wear your Clothes. on invitation to dedication ceremony from a Korean steel mill IN THE AIRPORT A foreign airport can be intimidating, but your hosts will do their best to make you feel completely at home. Welcome To A Great Stage Where Wings of the World Gather, Flap, and Fly skyward