Kathryn Petras - Unusually Stupid Celebrities: A Compendium of All-Star Stupidity

The average ancient Greek worshipped Zeus and Hera. The average ancient Roman worshipped Jupiter and Juno. The average modern human today worships [fill in any male and female celebrity here].

You can see how far we've come in the past two thousand years.

But at least we modern humans aren't sacrificing goats to, say, Christina Aguilera. (As far as we know. Although there is this guy next door and last night we heard a strange bleating sound. Oh, never mind.)

Back to our point: Celebrities are popular. That's pretty much what makes them celebrities.

Soin the spirit of all our other stupid works, we decided it was time to examine this peculiar (literally) and fascinating subset: to wit, unusually stupid celebrities. We chose to focus on celebrities for several reasons: a) they do a lot of stupid things; b) a lot is written about them; c) people like to read about them; and d) they make a lot more money than we do and we'd like to get our little cut.

Unusually Stupid Celebrities covers a cross section of stupid (and annoying) celebrity behavior divided into fourteen chapters. All the information is true, to the best of our knowledge. And names have not been changed to protect the guilty.

As for the innocent? There aren't too many in here.

C ELEBRITIES ARE LIKE SUPERHEROES they are powerful beings who can use their special skills for good. Or evil, for that matter.

So let us take a look at how celebrities use their power on the world stage.

It is terribly easyand terribly unfairto dismiss celebrities as mere pretty faces. These people are thinkers and carers and doers. Like so many of us, they worry about the world of today, about the pressing problems we face. And, as so-called creatives, they are chock-full of extremely creative (not to mention innovative) suggestions on how to solve these problems. We are shocked, shocked, that no one has ever acted upon these ideas.

Let us take a look, then, at some of the most pressing problems existing in the 21st centuryand the solutions proposed by various celebrities.

World Problem #1: Terrorism

Celebrity Solution: Put all the mean people in a special terrorist country

Tara Reid is one helluva prognosticator. In fact, we wonder why she has never been a talking head on CNN. (Open note to CNN: Sign this gal up!) After the London terrorist subway bombings, she came up with a sage idea on how to prevent further terrorism:

I wish all the mean people, if you want to be mean to each other, just buy a country together and blow each other up. Then we'd have no terrorists left. Like, don't kill innocent people for no reason. It's not fair. We love everybody. We'd even like them if they said they're sorry. It's not fair that innocent people are getting hurt. It makes me sad.

And this makes us sad too.

World Problem #2: The high crime rate

Celebrity Solution: Nudity on television

Why listen to endless debates about the pros and cons of gun control? The issue, apparently, isn't about bearing arms, but baring arms and breasts and everything else. Or, to put it more succinctlyas rapper and erstwhile social reformer Nelly sums it up:

I could turn on just about any television channel in Europe and see full nudity. And their crime rate is a lot lower than ours. Go figure.

Excellent point, Nelly!

World Problem #3: The environment

Celebrity Solution: Educate yourself

Yes, this sounds a little simplistic, but as any celebrity could tell you, it's vital to keep up with studies about pollution, the greenhouse effect, global warming, etc. It's not enough to just drive a Prius. Instead, we should all take a page from actress Kate Bosworth's book and be students of environmental issues. Know the facts! Learn everything you can! This will enable you to make the right choices to protect Mother Earth. Just listen to her commentary:

There was just a study done actually, I saw it on Regis and Kelly, I can't remember how many hours a year a person uses being in their car in L.A., but it's, like, a lot of time.

World Problem #3a: The environment

Another Celebrity Solution: Shit in the woods

Drew Barrymore realizes the way to saving the environment is for all of us to live more in tune with nature. Drewwho, incidentally, earns about $15 million a film spent some time in a primitive Chilean village for an MTV series. I aspire to be like them more, she raved (perhaps ignoring their high infant mortality rate and short life expectancies). Highlight of her visit?

I took a poo in the woods hunched over like an animal. It was awesome.

World Problem #4: War

Celebrity Solution: Anus-smelling

Actor Dustin Hoffman puts his proboscis in the, er, meat of the matter when it comes to preventing war:

When a lot of dogs are on the beach, the first thing they do is smell each other's asses. The information that's gotten somehow makes pacifists out of all of them. I've thought, If only we smelled each other's asses, there wouldn't be any war.

(Note: Hoffman, unfortunately, did not offer further explanations on how to decipher the meaning of said ass-scents, nor did he delineate the preferred method of ass-smelling.)

World Problem #5: Nuclear waste disposal

Celebrity Solution: Kabbalah water

Okay, yes, it was Madonna who came up with this solution. (How did you guess?)

Concerned about the possibility of an ecological disaster due to too much nuclear waste, she and hubby Guy Yes, I Am a Director, Not Just Her Husband Ritchie began lobbying the British government and nuclear industry to let them know they had the perfect answer: Kabbalah water, a mystical liquid that helps do pretty much anything and everythingincluding, clearly, defanging nuclear waste. And they had proof!well, claimsthat the magic fluid already has worked on Russian nuclear waste.