Monica Heisey - I Cant Believe its Not Better: A Womans Guide to Coping With Life

Praise for Monica Heiseys, I Cant Believe Its Not Better

It is the only humor book I ever want to own and it made me keel over with laughter and recognition. Monica Heiseys book is a perfect entry into my favorite genre: books of dubious advice. From how to eat to what to wear to who to screw, Monica attempts to offer solutions but instead reveals more about her own unique pathos and I wouldnt want it any other way. I truly wish she could be Americas poet laureate. Too bad shes Canadian.

Lena Dunham

Monica Heisey makes me laugh hard and often. We could dissect her to find out why shes so funny but that would mean shed be dead. I say No to that idea. But I say Ha ha to Monica. Often.

Rob Delaney, comedian and actor

Discovering Monica Heiseys work was like going to a party alone, spotting a stranger girl in a Bart Simpson T-shirt and a devastating ponytail by the donuts table, thinking, Oh, thank Godmy friend is here, and knocking over every single Solo cup in that place as you barge over with your hand outstretched. She makes a less-than-gentle and kind world seem camaraderie-stuffed and loving, and shes funny as fuck, too. Get this book inside your life.

Amy Rose Spiegel, ROOKIE

Monica Heisey is the funniest woman in America, which is amazing because she lives in Canada.

Jazmine Hughes, contributing editor of The Hairpin

Monica Heiseys writing is clever, funny, and pointed, and I love how evidently and sincerely she cares about all her books subjects, be they big (female friendship) or small (chip dips). Prepare to be moved to tears by her ode to cheese and her love letter to pizza.

Katie Heaney, author of Never Have I Ever

For my parents. Thank you for everything and
sorry about all the goddamn swears.

Copyright 2015 by Monica Heisey

Published in Canada by Red Deer Press, 195 Allstate Parkway, Markham, Ontario L3R 4T8

Published in the United States by Red Deer Press, 311 Washington Street, Brighton, Massachusetts 02135

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any manner without the express written consent of the publisher, except in the case of brief excerpts in critical reviews and articles. All inquiries should be addressed to Red Deer Press, 195 Allstate Parkway, Markham, Ontario L3R 4T8.

www.reddeerpress.com

Some material included was first published and adapted from The Grown Ass Womans Guide by Monica Heisey, a column on Shedoesthecity.com, between 2012 and 2014.

Red Deer Press acknowledges with thanks the Canada Council for the Arts, and the Ontario Arts Council for their support of our publishing program. We acknowledge the financial support of the Government of Canada through the Canada Book Fund (CBF) for our publishing activities.

Library and Archives Canada Cataloguing in Publication
Heisey, Monica, author
I cant believe its not better : a womans guide to coping
with life / Monica Heisey.
I. Title.
PS8375.H44 2015 C818'.602 C2015-902242-8

Publisher Cataloging-in-Publication Data (U.S.)
Heisey, Monica, author
I cant believe its not better : a womans guide to coping
with life / Monica Heisey.
Data available on file.

Cover design by Jenn Kitagawa
Text design by Kong Njo
Printed in Canada by Friesens Corporation

An Introduction

Hi! Im so excited youre here. I just hope I brought enough jokes about chips for everyone. I know what youre thinking: Who is this beautiful genius? Are there really going to be chips? and Honestly I can tell shes beautiful just from reading her prose, which sounds crazy but nothing has ever felt more real. Well. My name is Monica Heisey (as you probably saw on the front of the book, but hello again) and I am very excited to be here. I am especially excited to be here because I did not really think I would get to write this or any book, at least not right now. I am not a television personality, or an heiress, or even that most dubious of claims, a social media celebrity. I am just a girl, standing in front of a book, asking you to love it.

Actually, I am a comedian and writer from Canada who in 1998 wrote a short story called The James Bond School For Girls, about a secret preteen spy academy where geekiness was next to godliness. I know what youre thinking again: Thats very sad. Im sad right now. Me too. Life is hard. Still, I suppose it is important that we get to know each other before embarking on this textual Odyssey of the Mind, so here are some other things you should know about me:

• Odyssey of the Mind is the name of an elementary school history competition I participated in as a Young Nerd (also in 1998) (it was a big year for me). My team put together a play that answered the important historical question, What if Shakespeare and Copernicus were friends? We did not win.
• I recently spent almost five years living in London, UK. I spent exactly this amount of time struggling not to buy a cape.
• I now live in Toronto, where my sartorial struggles are humbler and largely weather-based.
• In university a roommate once moved out of my house under the cover of night, leaving only a Pussycat Dolls poster and a used sanitary pad in a half-eaten container of poutine. A Canadian tragedy if there ever was one (all that wasted poutine!).
• I am probably 8.79 out of 10 in terms of sex, depending on the day.
• Once, at a dentist appointment, the dentist poked at the roof of my mouth, looked at me knowingly and said, Pizza burns? in a very sympathetic tone.

I mean, thats basically everything. All the important cape facts are there. To this I would only add that I have a very nice family with a mom and a dad and a twin sister and a baby sister and a weird old dog and a lil cat and a tall boyfriend. I consider dairy a personal friend and am technically allergic to the sun; I will never stop trying to make hats work for me. (Its an uphill battle, but one I am dedicated to winning.) I am interested in female friendship, strategies for effectively working from home, the science behind Investment Bras and why some people choose to spell it kewl when it is the same number of letters as the real word and actually more effort to type because you have to press all different keys instead of two Os. I want to help you eat in bed effectively and text back within the right timeframe and take perfect selfies and split the cheque without your cheapest friend getting mad.

So the book you are holding deals with some of that stuff, but mostly it deals with the stuff of being alive and embarrassed and trying to do better or at least enjoy yourself. It deals especially with doing the above while female and youngish, because those are things that I am, but it is my hope that theres something useful or at least amusing in here for everyone. While, tragically, my 1998 James Bond sadness fantasy did not make it into this volume, the book is packed with life advice, some home truths, and a story about the time I barfed on a Heathrow airport customs official. Inside, if you read carefully, you will also learn: